There are messages to demonstrate- Bigger picture stuff. As a parent (and person), there are things I keep in the back of my mind every day. I try to keep everything in perspective and to remember the important stuff, like kindness. I watch myself because my habits were so different before I had children. My childhood was also so different.
This is the short and sweet list of what I believe is important to demonstrate. A lot of it merges together. The examples I give are just examples in my household, and I think they are helpful and healthy for anyone…
Twelve Messages I Teach My Boys:
1. Balance– It’s so important to have balance in our lives. In the past, I had a habit of leaning one way or another, on nearly every topic. To make this simple, I will only say this: We eat veggies and sweets. We are clean, but we also get dirty and don’t worry about stains (anymore). We have become very comfortable with bugs, but I love a bug free home (our home isn’t bug free). I love quiet, the boys love noise. What’s my point? Balance has naturally occurred, as long as I don’t force my preferred way 100% of the time. I hope this makes some sense. It’s a part of my love for my children, not a compromise or sacrifice. This is because I truly want them to be happy and free spirited. In life, there is room for everyone and their preferences- but I do believe this is a practice, not a sudden change. Remember, perfection is false and unneeded.
2. Gratefulness– Some of us can see how our lives have been lucky, fortunate. Or, maybe we had the right connections and timing. Some of us just happened to be born into an “easier” life. I try to teach the boys gratefulness for their luck, by showing them how to give back. For example, during the holidays, a lot of malls have “Angel” trees. It was easy for us to pick up an “angel” and find his or her need or want. There are so many ways to do something for the good of our society. A child can be shown how to do for an “angel”, a friend, an animal, or even taking care of nature somehow. Repetition and your genuine interest will help teach. Nothing is too small, if we all take action when inspired…and don’t worry about how many other people are doing…keep it light and fun…
3. It’s not bribery to offer “compensation”, it’s teaching the rare art of negotiating and eventually debate. In life, everyone should strive to be happy and fair, this takes learning how to communicate. For children, it starts by opening them up to exploring other ways to achieve (or get) something. In life, tantrums will only get you so far, before things backfire. Teaching them to do anything out of the kindness of their heart is asking a lot, when they are very young. Kindness, is a whole other lesson by itself. I would suggest keeping it a separate lesson. So, this simple lesson is really about working together for the good of everyone, rather than “do what you are told because I’m big (and powerful)”. We can all win. We are all powerful.
4. Expecting to have what we want in life, isn’t bad, delusional, or selfish. Everyone should know they are worthy of their dreams. I believe we shouldn’t take that away, rather help children to see their own dreams. This can be done by helping them to look at their interests, talents, even their bodies can clue us in. How are they built? This may help them to determine the details and to go with the flow…and grow their hearts by communicating and showing empathy. Have a genuine interest in the things they are interested in and encourage their interests. Give them opportunities to see that they can get what they want. Give them opportunities to hear of your wins, in life. What we show, they learn. Don’t worry about criticisms, from other people. It’s my experience that criticism often comes from people who are dealing with their own challenges and fears. Having compassion helps when dealing with criticism. It’s my belief that most people want to be happy, but not everyone knows what that means for them.
5. Consequences are important. If my sons ever hit anyone, that is a deal breaker. They go to time-out. Consequences should happen immediately, so that a connection is made between the action and the effect. Tantrums are another deal breaker. I ignore the tantrums, and don’t worry about the on lookers. I just try to get the boys from A to B- usually from the grocery store to the car. Period. Reacting only feeds the tantrum monster, sometimes, in less obvious ways…don’t react or cave in. Practice watching yourself when you get angry. In time, you can temper yourself if you need. Try not to beat yourself up, when you react a certain way, because most things in life are a practice.
6. Time alone (AKA naptime, time to rest, time-out) is a good thing. This is nothing but learning to rest. Recently, I realized, that all of my answers or realizations happened when I took time to be alone. I got it. It hit me while the boys were resting in their rooms (jumping and crashing toy trucks into their walls). It teaches “space” to hear ourselves and also lets us stand still. We don’t have to be in a frenzy getting stuff done all day long. So, “naptime” is something I strongly stand by for children, on a regular basis. Because even though I didn’t like naptime as a child, wanting that space became a thing for me, as I grew. It’s just an example of allowing “space”. My hope is that the boys will grow into men who appreciate space for their own voice, as well as appreciate other peoples’ space.
7. Question stuff– A lot of T.V. programs and movies geared towards children, seem off somehow. I am careful about what they watch, because my boys mimic some of the things they hear. They watch some T.V. but I also watch their shows with them. It’s a time to get off my feet and a time to engage them about what they see. We act silly and I ask questions or make comments. Sometimes we sing along with the characters. When they get annoyed, I back off. I want them to think about what their watching, not just drone on because the T.V. is on. I turn on the T.V. mainly, to help keep them away from a hot stove or oven, but T.V. started after I got them into books, and playing. My point is, I considered their development and if they ever used their imagination to play before making the T.V. a thing in the house.
8. Question stuff– Music. I love music, but most of it is so negative. Then, I get it stuck in my head. I play a lot of older music for my boys. We are a family that enjoys dancing and singing so I try to be careful about what stays stuck in their heads. I don’t like music geared toward children. I don’t like the sound, but also some of it are nursery rhymes. There is a lot on the origins of some nursery rhymes, like what they were about…kind of weird stuff…even more weird to have children singing about some of these things….
9. Don’t do what you are told, all the time. This is big for me. I want to teach my children things like DISCERNMENT. For now, we talk about how something feels. I pay attention to their reactions and I respect their feeling and reactions. Later, I will talk to them about why our feelings or our intuition seems to give us a different message from what we see with our eyes. Some situations, messages, or people are misleading and somehow, we can pick up on that…listening to how our bodies react is a gift that most people forget about or dismiss or even belittle. Yet, our intuition can be very loud. I say, lets use it. I also want the boys to keep their free spirit. I want them to be masters of their own universe, not followers. This is a challenge, for me as a parent. Our children are still learning and sometimes having them listen for 5 seconds seems impossible. Here’s my short answer- let them win when it’s safe, ask for their opinions when it’s doable, and try to be respectful of their thoughts. For a parent, it’s a lot of giving to our very young children. I believe very young children need love, acceptance, and encouragement. As they get older, the lessons get refined and children can begin to give, when they have been built up…I know this is hard- the one way street…but as adults we can embrace it, for a little while. Besides, if we are growing wiser, shouldn’t our knowledge be bigger than our sensitivities, or our “entitlement” to be respected or obeyed. How will they learn that they are equals, if we don’t model that now. Personally, I hope that my boys (and their whole generation) do surpass me in all ways. That’s evolution…
10. I don’t teach them that respect is obedience, not even with elders. Kindness is important and should be practiced, that’s where it stops. Why? It’s hard enough to teach about stranger danger or discernment. I believe we are all important. Age doesn’t inherently make a person a certain way. Yet, we teach age discrimination all the time. As we age we don’t necessarily get wiser, our situations change. On the flip side, young people aren’t necessarily naïve or ignorant. In fact, it’s my experience that the youth are not bogged down by the norms. Plus, are we raising obedient work horses or slaves? I hope not. I want our children to be free thinkers. So what if they shake things up. We need to shake things up! Balance with true kindness and empathy is how we can support a free spirit.
11. You don’t owe anyone anything. No one owes you anything. We are all students and all of us have our own paths. Not everyone will agree with this and that’s ok. Let them stay where they are… A person can’t see what they are not ready to see, because the feelings are so deep and blinding. Feelings need to be felt. However, no one is responsible for ending our pain, filling the voids in our hearts, or taking away our fears. We have to do that for ourselves.
If you are suffering, but you are beginning to feel that the punch in your gut doesn’t knock you off your feet, completely, start thinking about forgiving the debt. Toy with the idea. It’s not about forgetting. It’s about being free. How free are you with triggers. Triggers are controls over you. You deserve more, you deserve happiness.
Sometimes, I can even see parts of me in people who have hurt me. I see the humanity and I remember that I have caused pain too. I know that horrible things are done to people everyday. Let’s “be the change.” Small actions count so much too. Ask questions and talk about change. No need to wait on political figures or public figures. We are in this together. When you can, forget the debt.
12. Technology isn’t the most important thing. It’s funny because this stuff is about giving us freedom and ease, yet I feel more tied down and less free with this stuff in more than one way. Personally, standing in line for a phone doesn’t vibe with me. My cell and smartphones have never even kept the right time. Shouldn’t that be a non-issue for the expense? This stuff is great but not what it’s all about. I know that at the end of my life, I will be holding on to love, the sweet memories of my family and friends, the look of a sunset, the power of the ocean, and the way a vulture soars in the wind (so beautiful!). When someone enters the room, especially my sons, I put away the phone for a little while. I hope that the boys get the message and develop the same habit. I want them to interact, be a part of a community, communicate, smile, make a friend, find true love. BTW, I do enjoy all the cool things our gadgets do, they can make life easier sometimes. Technology isn’t to blame for the challenges of the world. We make our own choices. Still, is it possible we have been treating technology like a god? I’m not anti-technology, but I won’t be made into a tool either. We willingly give a lot to certain industries (or game makers, hmm, maybe). Who are these game makers? I don’t know, but I do see the “game” changing.
I know when I see people changing their habits, when we are distracted (like when we slave away at work to get these things, instead of taking time off to live) , when things divide us (like with media outlets), or when things begin to seemingly control us ( like when our stuff starts to fail and we have to upgrade or how apps need so much of our information and if we delete it, we delete so many other things, suddenly. Yes, I use technology, obviously, but it’s no loss to me, not to use it. Sometimes, I wonder what we are really getting back. I love that it can connect us, but there is a fine line. I hope I don’t sound too crazy. I am putting myself out there. Who cares about a new phone! Now, it’s a major announcement when some overpriced gadget enters the market. Let’s try to remember how to use this stuff, instead of it using us.
Discern.
Happy trails during your pathfinding!