Death is a hard concept to understand, for most of us.  It may seem hard to teach too.  I keep it simple when I speak to my children. 

Let me be transparent. I believe in an afterlife.  I also believe that this afterlife is our spirits’ home.  For me, this has nothing to do with religion or Sunday services.  I do not follow a religion.

 I felt inspired to write about this topic, because there was a recent death in our circle. However, we do talk about the subject of death regularly. 

Talking about death started with bugs.  My sons play with bugs. One day, they noticed that bugs stop moving.  This was my cue.  It was an easier time to talk about death, because we weren’t attached to the bug (even though a bug’s life has value too).

When I talk to the boys about death I do these things:

1.       Keep it simple and make underused words normal.  “The fish has died.  His soul went home and left his body (I always talk to the boys about “souls”, so this is a normal word for us.) Choose what words should be normal, for your children.

2.       I use clear words like, “died”.  I don’t say, “passed away”, “gone”.  Some words are confusing and we aren’t protecting our children, when we use them.  Feeling sad is normal and ok.  It is safe for them to be sad with you.

3.       We cry.

4.       I explain that we won’t visit with the person or animal anymore, but sometimes we can feel them (my kids frequently bring up people they didn’t know.  I let them tell me about it, while I sit in joy and amazement.  Sometimes, I can’t believe what they say about people I never spoke to them about…).  I don’t minimize my feelings or theirs, even if we are feeling something unusual.  Let’s be honest.  Most of us have had weird moments we can’t explain…

5.       For my tot sons, I think seeing a body in a casket would be too much too fast.  I think older children can process that easier.  Older kids can understand more about the situation.  It isn’t just an image with vague words and sad people.

6.       I try to normalize death and the afterlife, because it is a part of our experience in life.  Plus, I truly believe in an afterlife and that our deceased family and friends are still around.

7.       I talk to my sons about the deceased person.  I try to contribute happiness in the conversation, and allow them to contribute anything to the conversation. 

8.       I am honest about the way I feel. 

9.       I hold my boys even more and feel grateful that I can.

10.   I just communicate the best I can, and the boys seem to get it just enough.

11.  If they ask me a question I can’t answer with certainty, I tell them that I don’t know.  I say, “Mommy doesn’t know.  What do you think?” I still try to talk about the question.  I want them to see that it’s okay to not have all of the answers.  That’s life.

That’s it.

We are so filled with stuff in our heads.  We are layers and layers and layers of feelings and emotions.  Among other things, death seems to be a big trigger. Why? There are the easy answers- we feel pain when we lose someone or something, in some way.  We say our lives have been diminished.  Our actions teach our children, that their lives are less when there is a death, or “a loss”.  Is this true? 

I have felt pain due to death, and I couldn’t understand it.  I am a person who knows (with my whole being) that there is an afterlife.  Yet, I still feel a pain when someone I love dies.  I sit with this pain and allow myself to feel it as completely as I can, because this is the only way I know how to feel it less, in time.  I think about the way the person smiled, and moved.  Strangely, the more I do this, the more I feel connected to them.  I try to feel happiness when I think of them.  His/ Her life was more than the pain of their loss. I think about what they did and how it helped me grow, and I am grateful (to tears). Feel the pain all the way, to feel the joy and gratefulness.  Feeling the pain is like removing a block to the happiness. I don’t really understand it.  It’s just something I have always done, and it works. 

I am writing all of this, because I don’t think our society embraces certain topics in a healthy way.  This is not about being spiritual.  This is about getting the most out of life and feeling grateful, even for those people who were/are a challenge… as I write this, I realize why I had my own painful challenges. I know what powerlessness and loss feels like, in many forms.  At this point, I can see the beauty in it. At the end of a person’s life, not a single label can define the entirety of that life.  I’m reminded that no one is truly a victim or a survivor.  They are so much more. That is true for all of us.  The recent death of a friend, reminds me of the enormous impact we have in this life.  Let’s always try to follow our hearts and be happy, because that’s what matters. Learning to do what is true to us and embracing love, supports the change we all crave.