Today, I am posting a letter about a tiny portion of the female experience, as I have experienced it and seen it play out with other women.  I’m talking about how we interact and what we are taught. I have made some observations.

What I was taught is similar to what many other females were taught…at times we feel confused about what makes us happy .  We feel honest when we say we want to be happy, and that we are happy, but our “happy” definition was reprogrammed.  “Happy” and “protected/safe” became a little too similar, for some of us.

Dear sons,

I want to try to explain something, that may help you later, with some women (or some men), or at least a person like your mom. I actually don’t know where to start…let me start by reintroducing you, to me…

As a young child, I was taught to do the things that made me happy.  I loved to dance and sing and was actually a very happy little girl, already. I was told I could do whatever I wanted, no matter what…but soon I was told to be competitive and driven.  Looking back, I wasn’t either of those things.  I was a free spirit who was happy to move with the wind.  I didn’t care about winning anything and I had no need for drive- I was already happy with my situation. 

As I got older, I was compared to other kids, encouraged to “succeed” “always strive for more”.  I didn’t know what any of that meant, but soon I realized I wanted to make other people happy too.  I had begun to get my happiness by making other people happy. As I became a teenager, I had many many older women stress the importance of making my own money. “Never depend on a man, ever.” Every single time, it was explained that a woman needs to be prepared to leave if necessary.

Then, as I got older, I was told to get married.  You never just live with someone, because you need to “protect” yourself.  To me, marriage seemed like something other than freedom and happiness. Oh, and is “protecting” myself through marriage making me dependent upon on a man? Confusion set in and the old happy Erica was different, somehow. So, for a while I neglected my relationships, became very driven, and forgot what I enjoyed. Now, I wanted to move mountains and make money. 

At some point, I had replaced the happiness I had already felt as a child, with other people’s ideas on how to find happiness.  I actually learned how to become less happy, because the message I heard was, happiness follows. It never leads.  So I learned to do things in the hope of being happy.  It’s completely illogical.  The truth is, we can be happy without having to do certain things, without  acquiring certain things, and without safe marriages we feel pressured into.  I hope I make sense, because it took me a long time to understand it, myself.  When, I started writing this journal for you, I began remembering things.  The story began to unfold and so did my understanding of the habits and convoluted and illogical nonsense we teach our children.  Out of fear, some of us pass down old survival skills, instead of embracing an evolving human condition.

I did the best I could to understand the mixed messages.  For a while, my life was about achieving.  If I’m really honest, I had developed a need to prove myself- that I could sit with anyone and be an equal, on anyone’s terms. Later, I would discover the flaw in that- we are our own authority.  We determine our own worth (though little Erica could care less about ‘worth’).  Protecting ourselves through marriage and/or job titles is like selling ourselves off to the highest bidder, no matter whether it’s to a lover or to an employer.  Neither is inherently bad, but our perspectives can be flawed when we forget to LIVE (however we choose, as individuals) or when we forget happiness and love.

The women who were giving me advice were family, neighbors, friends, you name it.  It happened that often (it was the 80’s and a part of the times).  As women, some of us are taught to protect ourselves, first.  Anticipate the worst, but hope for better. What happened to be happy? What happened to trust? Don’t we want that with our partners?

Yes, people may leave you pennyless and you may feel alone, but is that a mantra to live by?

If we anticipate the worst, will our actions/and outcomes reflect that, instead of what we actually want? 

It’s my experience, that everything can go away, even when we have done everything to maintain control…that’s what I can say on living to protect yourself…We can reinvent ourselves as we need or want, at anytime.  It may not be easy and we may have to rethink certain ideas or try a different perspective, but the first step is there to be taken.  Once the first step is taken, the rest becomes easier, because it is often the leap from an idea to the first step, that is the hardest. We aren’t made vulnerable when we love someone or make choices based in happiness.  We are being true. We are remembering who we are, or were.

Holding back

Sometimes, we choose caution and hold ourselves back from our desires. We may even believe we are helping other women when we teach them to restrain themselves from dreams with no certain outcome.  We may say “do what makes you happy.” While also saying,” if you don’t settle down you are going to let a sure thing go. No man will ever love you, like him.” I have seen women, become like the people who treated women unequal.  I mean, some females attempt to help other women, by telling these women what they should be doing.  A cycle repeated even by women.  These women may see themselves as feminist or well meaning, or strong…but it looks a little too familiar…do I make sense?  Sometimes, our ideas of a strong person is power or control over others while unconsciously forcing our will (in the name of protection).  We are strong and at our best when we learn to look at our own lives, assert ourselves and become masters of our own lives.

A strong, competent woman doesn’t have to have a particular lifestyle or a particular set of ideas. As I see it, the same is true for men as well.

Boys, see the child in the people you love.  Honor that side in her ( or him) and let that person feel that it is ok to be truly seen.

-Mom

We have had a rough history

No, history hasn’t been kind to women.  It’s been downright, horrific, and in a lot of places, it’s still horrific.  Some of us are lucky to live in a place where it is less unequal.  I still feel things are set up against both genders and it’s obvious. So many of us live with our guard permanently up.  Guns drawn. It can be seen everywhere, the news, the internet, even in our songs.  There are things to prove, arguments to win, and self described victims of unmet promises and demands.

When things are unfair

Yes, we have all suffered in various ways.  Sometimes the only thing left to do, is to see the fight, turn around, and walk away.  You have already paid your dues, and none of us truly owed a cent. If people want to fight let them find a different adversary.  You have better things to do then repeat history, because let’s face it, we know how it ends…with more of the same over and over again. The only thing that ever changes is who is at the top and who is at the bottom.  Perspectives and insight is formed on both levels, new opinions, new confusion, new sides, then war for the coming generations.  I am speaking in broad terms, on purpose.  Fighting never yields anything in the long run. If you are in an unfair situation, plan to leave, take the baby steps, and finally leave. As you leave, remember, pain and anger only ignites more pain and anger.

Women and men could stand together, stick up for one another, and begin to let go of the perspectives we inherited.  No one owes anyone their life, in any form.  We are free, but we have forgotten.

The things I have learned and will pass on —

-Watch how you talk about the opposite gender. We have all been dealt challenges, with no rule book.

-Find a person you truly love (maybe even unconditionally- yeah, that’s real. Not everyone knows it.) Tell them, and don’t worry about the outcome.  They don’t owe you a relationship or a vow, or their life.  It’s a practice in being true and that’s that, for now.

-Find a way to live first, work second.  Or, even better, find the job that truly makes you happy- that’s possible too. It just takes creativity in our current existence, on this planet, because so few people know it’s a real possibility.

(Ladies, nothing is guaranteed no matter what we do.  This is true for men too.  A spouse, money and job titles are not promises that we are owed.  Change is the true promise.  There is a freedom in honoring that and respecting another person’s freedom to leave or stay.  Be happy and love, because that is something we can master).

Make the study about your own life.