Talking about sex- This is actually very simple and there isn’t anything very profound with regards to talking about sex. Remember, this isn’t rocket science hard, nor is it inappropriate to say certain words. It’s just how it feels because of the conditioning that was passed on to us.
Most of our parents grew up when sex was not even talked about and we inherited that “oh my, how dare we even go there” vibe. It’s a feeling that is outdated and completely useless. I would say it is also harmful to our children’s physical and emotional well-being. On another level, making sex a taboo topic has done nothing to help gender relations. Not talking about sex has left a lot of room for unhealthy messages from TV, the radio, etc. to fill in the gaps for us.
Why we want to talk to our kids about sex and our bodies:
-To empower them by giving them facts
-To normalize the fact that humans are sexual beings
-To teach respect for both genders
-To correct learned myths or untruths
-To show we care
-To have an opportunity to say that our feelings can help to guide us. If something feels wrong, then it probably is. For example, no one is obligated to do anything, ever.
-To have an opportunity to talk about situations that can come up, with regards to phones, the internet, dating, etc.
I will start first by explaining how I have approached this with my young children. Afterwards, I will write about my approach with older kids.
Oh, and it may be helpful to relearn certain topics, before explaining things to the kids. I mean, do you remember where all the parts are and what they do? (I smiled when I typed this, but I know, you know what I mean.)(and if you randomly laugh about our bodies or s-e-x, well, me too. It’s funny sometimes…
For young children (2-4 yrs):
–We can start teaching about the human body, first. I don’t leave out the reproductive parts, and I use real words and names. This will help to avoid confusion later. Plus, I feel it is respectful to our children when we don’t give the impression that there is a part of them that is embarrassing or shameful. Whether we realize it or not certain messages are received by our children. I write this because I have seen some parents totally ignore or rename areas of the reproductive system. Children do notice and interpret that behavior. Our bodies do amazing things, and that is something to be proud of!
–I am mindful of my tone and facial expressions. The impression I want to leave is that there is nothing abnormal about our bodies. The way we speak, does convey a message.
– I explain what each body part does. If questions arise, I answer all of them truthfully. I make my answers simple for young children and I don’t include extra ideas concerning love or marriage or sin, etc.
Sometimes, we say, “when two people love each other, they…”. We know that isn’t true, but it creates a foundation for what love is. Some concepts make the facts more complicated. Why? The words, “I love you” don’t have to equate to sex. “Plus, “I love you” has and does mean different things to different people. “Love” doesn’t always mean love. In actuality, love usually comes much later in a relationship, if at all. Love deserves its own conversation. So, if we are talking about the basics on sex, I leave it about the body parts. This is no different from talking about our eyes. I don’t say our eyes have to fall in love with sugar to want candy. Bad analogy(?)…my point is, I keep it simple, unless they want more information and can process it.
-Picture books for the body can be very helpful. They often give a visual for what we can only talk about or explain.
-I consider the child’s age, but don’t use it as an excuse to avoid certain topics.
-I keep in mind, that these talks are helping to empower my children.
For older kids ( 5+):
I truly feel that every kid has every right to be educated on the body and sex. When a kid reaches an age where language is no longer a barrier, I feel they should have all the facts. The older the child, the more in depth we should be, faster. Below are some tips.
– If there are two parents or guardians involved in your child’s life, talk about who may be best suited to talk about sex. This is one of the perks to having more than one person involved. You can figure it out together, make it light.
I have seen how “the talk” has worked like a bridge for divorced parents. The awkwardness can bring laughter, by remembering a lighter time- like our own childhood awkwardness while figuring out sex and love. Try laughing together while watching children grow. Laughter heals. Plus, there may be other times when you could use each other’s support, while raising your kids. This only works, when we practice leaving out the agendas and baggage.
-Conversations typically happen organically. Meaning, we don’t talk about how we will discuss what we will do for the weekend. We just go right into a discussion and often we talk about things more than once over a span of time. Talking about sex can happen in the same way. If you feel like you or your children will be embarrassed, you can address the embarrassment. I have laughed many times writing this post, thinking about my own memories. There are many opportunities to laugh and make fun of each other. In the process, stuff gets said. Have fun with it. Sometimes being random (especially with the sex talks) helps make happy memories, and in the end, that’s what we leave our children with- lots of joyful memories. Some of those memories can teach them.
-Sometimes, books or other sources of information can just simply be left on the child’s bed. Every child/ parent situation is different. I know some adults are completely unable to talk about sex. Leaving information in a private space, for the child to see is better than avoiding the topic totally. Trust that the child will understand this as an act from a caring parent. DO make sure that the material is based on facts and is appropriate and right for the age of the child.
Talking to girls about their menses
Sometimes, we assume that girls know that they will get a period, or that they will just know what is happening when it happens. I know that assumption has been wrong for some parents. It may be true that most girls eventually learn that their bodies will do something different from what male bodies do. However, some girls haven’t learned just what their body will actually do, nor may they realize how it may look. Some girls begin menstruating at a younger age and before they know about menstruation. While other girls assume that only adult women have a cycle. My point is that assumptions can be wrong. My opinion is that we talk about it earlier rather than later and that we give facts. I would be careful not to turn this healthy, natural cycle into a something considered bad or inconvenient. Our bodies are amazing and young girls benefit from feeling good about their bodies. We don’t want to embarrass them, nor pass on unhealthy baggage like the challenging things we have heard about the female cycle.
If you have a daughter and you have been uncomfortable with talking to her about her menses, consider leaving a basket of different kinds of necessities in a private space she will find. I’m writing this for the parents and step parents (even biological moms) who have challenges communicating. Leaving a basket in her room or private space is better than dragging her to the grocery store and having a conversation in the middle of an aisle with the rest of the family chiming in on what little Ana needs.
-She will not know what is best for her body until she has had an opportunity to try different products.
-Being discreet is best. It is not a time to joke, because it will only be at a cost (to her). It is another time when a girl is figuring out how to feel about her body.
-Oh, try to notice what she needs picked up from the store. I mean see what brand and type is on the box she throws away. Even better, ask her. Normalize it, if you can…because, it is normal.
Ideas for her basket can be: various types of tampons, various pads (sanitary napkins), snacks in case she experiences cravings, and anything else you feel is best. Sometimes women also need help with cramps or pain. Leaving a care package somewhere discreet, is another way to show you care, even when the words fail you. Most kids are grateful when parents don’t leave them figuring out adulthood in the middle of a pharmacy (even if they never say a word about it, which they normally won’t).
Birth Control
Some people feel that talking about birth control is giving permission to their children, to have sex. If you are talking about facts and watching your tone, it is unlikely that your child will assume that mom/ dad are saying “go have sex.” In fact, parents often give the exact opposite message, more of the time. The key is to not assume a particular message will be received. Instead, actually address concerns and just teach. You could say, ” I want to give you the information I have on birth control, to empower you as you grow into an adult. I’m saying, be informed.”
The best we can do is to empower them and to give them the information they need to navigate their own lives. I feel it is important to give our kids information before they have the opportunity to make certain decisions. If you don’t ‘believe’ in birth control, then consider how you will help your child by describing how he/ she can avoid a larger family then can be handled. Obviously, the words “birth control” don’t have to be the chosen words, but I would stay conscious of any mixed messages. In the end, do what feels right.
If you are interested in teaching your children about birth control (there are many more types than “the pill”), I think they will be silently grateful. Remember, this can be a time to include the doctor. I’m sure a lot of doctors would be happy to give any information on the body.
This is about taking away shame and replacing it with empowerment and well- being. It is easier than we realize, and we can start by simply relaying facts.
We are awesome and have a reason to be truly proud of our bodies.