Have you heard of this term, spirited?

Do you have a child that seems sensitive and explosive? Does she sleep less on average? Does she have big emotions? Do people notice that your child is different somehow?  Is she very independent, and is it especially challenging to alter the routine without notice? If this describes your child, you will know exactly what I’m talking about… because there is a difference between typical developmental stages and sheer perseverance carried through all the stages.

The child I am describing may even cause you to alter your approach.  No, this isn’t necessarily a clinical issue, not a disorder.  Try changing your approach before jumping into a diagnosis and medicating your child. However, only you can know what is best for her.

From my experience, some people (especially people with little experience around different types of kids) will try to label your kid- usually with stereotypic information they have heard.

I’m writing this to tell you, there is a light at the end of the tunnel and to give you some of the tips I have learned along the way.

1. Trust is everything with this child. Build rapport with him by doing what you say you will do. Be a safe person for him to run to when his feelings are hurt. Notice inconsistencies in his life and talk about it.  My son was excited to start a learning center.  One of his favorite shows was about a fairy and her flying school.  In this show everyone is treated well and happy.  His actual experience of school was nothing like that and he noticed.  TV paints a very different portrait, sometimes. There are more misleading things they will see on TV.  If your child is acting out or is very sensitive to things, you may be safe to assume that they are seeing inconsistencies as well.  It is my experience, that children are much more intelligent than we know.  They just don’t know how to express it the way we can always recognize it.
2. Communication is a big part of this relationship. I learned early to speak to my boys about what were doing, where we were going and other happenings in our day.  Think and communicate like you are communicating with another adult (I think this is best for most children).  The boys spoke grammatically correct English by three, so there is that plus. It has been my experience, that this child won’t be dragged around.
3. This type of child won’t be obedient, just for the sake of an adult’s wishes. It is almost like he is built to test boundaries all at once, fearlessly and completely unbridled.  When it comes to timeout, I explained why it was happening.  I also had to be consistent. I started timeout at 2yrs. old to teach about consequences.  Now, my boys will walk to timeout, when they have lost control and hit each other.  However, the need for timeout has become rare (I don’t give timeout for anything that is just going against a norm, but we do talk about almost everything.)
4. “Spirited” children will show you affection, but they don’t seem to feel obligated to show it. They won’t just hug family.  They have to want to.  Personally, I don’t think we should tell our kids to hug or kiss anyone.  I didn’t like kissing some of my family members either.
5. Teach about emotions and feelings. This can help him to communicate with you.
6. Ask for input and opinions from your child. Over time, he will learn that he has to make the initiative in the small day to day things as well. It’s not your fault if you didn’t guess what he wanted for breakfast or that you can’t read his mind to know if something was bothering him. Again, this is just teaching how to respect a person while also showing that he also deserves to be included.  Kids don’t always speak much, but learning how to be a part of a community is important for evolving.
7. Recognize when you are in a power struggle and stop to breathe. Some of us have to be more creative.  It’s not about winning.  It is about teaching the bigger things, that’s it.  The rest of it is up to our kids.  They will have to carve out their own path, we are just temporary guardians at best.  I know some parents want bigger roles than that…but I don’t know how we can intend to empower someone and at the same time control so many details.
8. Intend to have your own space and seize opportunities for rest. Know that you deserve it.  If your child is very young, you may take some time before you see an opportunity for this rest.  I say this because you probably don’t leave your child with most trusted people.  You know most people aren’t really up for it.  It will get better and, in the meantime plan a fantasy getaway, because one day you’ll take that trip.  I am speaking from experience.  It does improve, and the people around you will learn how to interact with your child as he learns too.
9. Help your child to build relationship with family and other kids. Talk to him about interacting with people.  He will hear you, but unlike other kids, he just needs to understand why it matters.  And no, this isn’t the same as some disorders.  If you communicate with him and let him learn by interacting, he will learn on his own with your guidance.
10. Following a regular routine, helps him to know what to anticipate and the day will have more ease as the routine is implemented. Prepare him for changes.
11. Be more involved. When I began to see that my infant was expressing himself different, I also began hearing the unhelpful advice coming at me from other people.  Realizing that the best thing I could do was to stand by him as he learned how to interact and to maintain control, was life altering.  It was a game changer.  At first, I tried to consider different jobs, I tried to find more compatible child care.  I knew this was a sensitive time in his development, but I couldn’t find the help I was looking for. Something had to give, because I knew the child care options I had found were limited by how they understood kids like him.  I had to find a way to be more responsible for helping him by communicating with him in the shared “language” we had developed.  I mean, I understand him and he understands me, and in that way, things work as he learns kindness, empathy, and other things I think are important for evolving people.  Now, as I see how he is shaping, I wouldn’t change anything and I am happy that I made the very difficult decision to change everything.
12. People mirror each other. This is something you can read about in different disciplines.  In psychology, people have studied mirror neurons in the brain.  There is more to it, but on a very basic level we seem to be set up to mirror what we see.  It is especially important for us to become more aware of what we mirror (this is largely influenced from other people) and are now mirroring to our kids.  The thing is, we can rise above and become a more conscious and intentional mirror.  What kind of mirror are you? “Mirror Mirror on the wall…”  😉  In my experience, it has taken some time for the boys to mirror some things.  Keep in mind, many other types of mirrors are walking around reflecting upon our kids. So, forget self-criticism, just practice noticing yourself.
13. Neutralize. We can’t prevent all challenges nor is that the goal.  Obviously, our kids have to interact with their world.  However, we can neutralize or soften the blows.  There have been times, when random people have compared my boys, in unhelpful unhealthy ways.  I make it clear that both of them are kind, good people.  Both of them are exactly as they should be, and that people aren’t supposed to be exactly the same, anyway.  Actually, if you look at your children, you may see that their personalities are opposites, but somehow the differences compliment each other.  It is something to protect, until they become capable adults. I protect them by countering the unhealthy words and actions some people still express.  I address my sons, and I respectfully use words to express my thoughts.  I don’t become angered or demean the other person involved.  I have never had a person become angry at me.  Actually, their tone can change for the better even become supportive.  Other people will just walk away.  Either way everything is ok.
14. Physical Activity.  A lot of high energy kids seem to function better when they are able to run, climb, walk, ride a bike or whatever during the day.  Plus, it tends to help them have a more restful sleep.  Being rested helps most people to wake feeling good and able to take on the day.

Hang in there.  Things can definitely improve as you both grow.