If you’ve been in and out of a courtroom with an ex-spouse, it may be hard to think that co-parenting is anything more than a hopeful illusion. I can say that people are successfully co-parenting their kids. Some ex-spouses even become friends. It is possible, but it is another practice. Let the love you feel for your children guide you.
To start, watch how you talk about your ex and avoid gossip. That alone can help to initiate change, but there is more to be done…further below our tips on co-parenting
On trust-If there is a lack of trust (that someone will show up on their day to be with a child) keep things less scheduled and just ‘open’. Avoid hyping up any scheduled event or even making set plans on certain days (with the parent that you don’t trust), but make it known that these are great days to come over for ice-cream or whatever…make it easy with no pressure or judgement. If he shows up great! If not, well there were no firm plans made anyway, no disappointing day. Just intend to make things easier and lighter. The whole experience is a practice and a process. The idea is to not encourage disappointment, and to show our kids happiness happens anyway… no matter who is around!
Tips on Co-Parenting
Intend on being respectful of each other—remember that both of you deserve to be happy. Practice moving on from the pain and disappointments. Live your life and remember your happy- find a hobby you enjoy, connect with people, be interested in your kid’s hobbies and teach each other something new. Being happy is a shortcut to being respectful of someone else (and respectful of their life).
Talk directly to the other parent. Kids don’t need to be bothered with adult matters. We are the guardians and we protect them.
Be flexible with scheduling, routines, and remember there are different ways to do most things. Life has never been perfect and it will probably always have challenges. Sometimes, all you can do is roll with things. This isn’t about being controlled or controlling. If dad is asking to be with the kids on one of your days- awesome! There are days when we just really miss our kids and we should be able to be involved…moms and dads. Plus, you can go watch an R rated movie in a real theater!
Do little things to help out. If you don’t typically clean out your young child’s overnight bag consider making sure there are no cookie crumbs on the bottom of the bag. Or, launder the clothes they take back to the other parent. Share your kids favorite groceries- it’s up to you. These little, unexpected things can be game changers- especially when it’s mirrored back to you. Plus, it’s a great way to show love to your child (and compassion to their other parent).
Kids aren’t leverage– they are people who deserve both parents, regardless of money.
Empathy– Working through co-parenting isn’t easy for a lot of people but it’s up to us to make it healthier. Allow yourself to understand that the other parent has challenges and feelings too. What we see with our eyes isn’t the whole story, usually.
Practice involving each other, in your child’s life– the ceremonies, birthday parties, graduations etc. Share pictures and allow each other to cheer on the kids.
Allow your kids to call the other parent, when they want. Sometimes, children want to send cards or small gifts to connect with the other parent. This can help children to feel good when there are miles between them and the other parent. It helps them to feel like everything is ok.
Conversations with the co-parent can definitely be short and to the point. Plus, it keeps us from accidentally saying something unnecessary or childish. If you know a difficult conversation is likely to happen, speak away from the kids, or speak after their bed time. Make the effort to protect them.
Avoid guilt tripping the kids for loving both of you. They deserve all of the love both sides can give…if your ex wants to be involved with his kids, that’s great! It’s not something to feel sad over. Children should be free to have and love both parents. This is a real positive and the kids won’t love you less for allowing this freedom!
In time, intend on seeing the step parents as allies or partners. Sometimes, children see step parents different. It may be hard for an older kid to see a stepmom as another mom. However, this can still turn into a healthy friendship. I have actually seen kids trust step parents with the ’embarrassing’ discussions- the conversations that are hard with mom or dad. I know that situations vary, but for most kids, it is better to have an adult to speak to about things like sex, than to just be less informed…Embrace what you have, even if it is still evolving. We can grow together easier than dividing and keeping score.
Practice Peace.