“How do I show my kids how to use their words, when I’m over “it” in my own life? Being honest and using words just got me into trouble.”

The problem is a lot of us do get into trouble for just being honest- even when we chose the right words and watched our tone.

Any person who chooses honesty, knows there is always a risk in how the other person will receive you…but that risk doesn’t have to control you or your actions. You can call someone out- “I feel like my honesty is used against me.”

Further below are ways to reach out.

When someone chooses to overreact to your honest (and measured) reply– it’s a last resort or desperate measure (sometimes an unconscious habit) to control. You can make the conscious decision to say, “no more.”

Know that you have a right to get into a better situation- however you define that…

Many of us learned to quiet our voices as children. Did you get into trouble (or made fun of) as a kid, for voicing an opinion? Or, were you encouraged and made to feel safe, to think out loud? I remember hearing the saying “Children are meant to be seen, not heard.”

The point is to not stifle our kids, now.  They can benefit from learning how to have and keep their voice.  Practicing how to use our words is empowering.

If you are needing another way to reach out, because using words is difficult, sincerity and creativity are important. In time, you may find that you no longer need a certain outcome, to stay vocal and true.

Simply, create the space for communication and things can flow easier, rather than to force it.

It’s also how we remember to be Doers in these times.

Ways to reach out to our kids when our words fail:

1)      Just show up.  Go to your kid’s games, play a videogame together, have a tea party (can you be silly?), go hiking. Simply, share space more.

2)      You don’t need to hide that you are trying…chip away the hard mask one tiny piece at a time…it’s okay to stumble for the right words…who really cares anyway, not our kids? We are human.  Breathe. Then, keep trying. Our kids know they aren’t perfect (they are told in many ways, usually).  Some things parents and children learn together, and I think that’s okay.

3)      Make a note of something your child did or said then, bring it up later.  Show you heard what your son said. Was it a joke, something clever, or something silly? Or, show you know what they prefer to eat or do.

4)      For some parents, a little note on a napkin (in a lunchbox) or a letter (after a tough day) does the trick.  It lets a person figure out the right words, before the wrong words come out.

5)      Even little boys like flowers, sometimes.  They may not show you, but you might catch them smelling (or eating- be careful) them when no one is watching…just a little nature appreciation…

6)      Take the time to explain things.  Life is filled with things that don’t make sense. Keeping a kid in the know, is showing love, respect, and that they are an important member of your circle. They don’t need the heavy negative take on things.  Try to lighten their load, by being their example of light and positivity.  Or, just stick to the facts during difficult times- you can use words like, “Your grandfather and I don’t share the same opinion.” “Your mom is going through a difficult time.”   Avoid criticism and name calling.

7)      Show your child how to do something, like throw a ball, plant a flower, ride a bike, draw, or even cook together (a very important and empowering skill and step towards self-care).

8)      Learn something new together.

Children may not intellectualize everything, but they feel our intentions.