We all go through it, at some point, in some way- a dream changes, a relationship ends…If you have ever had to say goodbye to the old you, or goodbye to a dream then, you know it can be a pain equal to the loss of a loved one.  Grief is grief.

Several paragraphs below are ways to handle difficult changes. 

Sometimes, we don’t even realize that we are grieving- because we aren’t grieving in the typical way over the typical stuff, like a death.

Grief (over anything) is about SURRENDERING to what we cannot change (and staying open).  It’s not about being punished or undeserving.  Surrendering is allowing the waves in the ocean of our lives (and not taking it personal. I know that’s easier said than done).  This is Not about Giving Up.

The way we handle any type of death is a function of our society.

Our American society is a very take charge, take control society.  We understand the words, “make your own way.” We tend to forget that sometimes, we have to just stop, for a minute.  We don’t have all the control and there is more than we see happening, all the time.  We are still learning to appreciate this, because fear can set in, for some of us.

Change, or a feeling of loss, can trigger our issues with love, control, truth, justice, our voice. “If only I had known what to do.” “I did my best but, it wasn’t good enough.”

Sometimes all we want is to know everything is okay. We want to feel it, to see it.

To stay transparent with you, more than a few years ago, I totally lost the old me…It. Was. Dark. It was a time that forced me to just STOP. Reflect. Feel. It was the only thing left for me to do.  I didn’t even have a person to talk to because the people I trusted the most had already died. I couldn’t even become a hermit because I still had to take care of my kids. It was just me and I felt lost and completely alone. Then, I started to notice that I was becoming a blank slate.  It was like I was a newborn and I could do things different…somehow…

Ironically, death of a person or anything can be a major time for growth- to realize all of the things we missed about who we are and to be open to change.  We don’t have all of the answers, but there is a flow to life.  Many of us resist that flow and there will always be consequences for it.  Not punishments, just consequences.

No one can escape the process. We can suppress it with alcohol, substances, sex…but the things that we suppress won’t just go away.

Basic tips on handling difficult changes:

1. Escape on a private drive, take a shower, sit in a dark room and just open the flood gates. What’s it like to be you? Use the words you feel. Go inside of yourself because that’s where it all is- the feelings, the answers, the dark, the light, the lies, the truth. The pain can subside the more you give yourself the time to grieve. It’s a process, not usually done in a day.  So, escape to the bathroom, dark rooms, long walks, regularly.  Allow yourself to feel what your body is screaming out to you.
2. If your emotions have been very suppressed, you may need a starting off point. Write a letter to yourself or to someone else. Or, just speak out loud (when you are alone). Be honest. Explain things as you experienced it. Don’t forget to throw out what you write or put it in a safe/private place.
3. Alcohol, substances, overeating, and sex (as a crutch or addiction) won’t help you to hear your own truth.
4. Consider your company. Do you feel good or drained around certain people? If you feel drained around someone who is always around, insist on music, take walks alone, insist on time alone.
5. Don’t apologize for your tears. Your perfect body deserves to rid itself of pain. Men have just as many rights to their tear flow as women do.
6. Find a way to stay open to life and to love. It is to our benefit to be open to inspiration or to another path. As for people and love- the best discussions and hugs come from people “who have been there.”  Experience gives us depth and something valuable to offer. Practice knowing that we have all suffered and that no one is truly going through anything alone. Surrendering isn’t defeat.  It is an opportunity for redirection, if we let it happen. Do what makes you truly happy, cut the B.S., throw away the masks, and ignore a lot of the rules. Things can flow.  What do you truly want, underneath it all? Is there any little thing you can do now? BE FEARLESS, friend. When finding a new path, reprioritize, be flexible with the timing, and steps. Get a new circle of friends. End a bad relationship (and don’t answer the calls from old karma).  Life is still happening and worth it. Anything can still happen at any time.
7. Don’t rush the process, but know that you may not feel perfect when you take the first step out of your extended stay in bed. Baby steps are so important.
8. Feeling grief, or not feeling grief doesn’t prove the feeling of “loss”. We feel how we feel and none of us owe an explanation.
9. Reach out when you need or want to. Let someone have the honor of your experience.  Use your words.  You might be surprised by how much you give, by allowing someone else to receive You. If there is someone you trust, let them be there for you. Maybe this is how grief can be a tie that binds and transforms.
10. If you are grieving a dream or a particular idea of life, stay open and stay true.
11. Forgive life for being an a** sometimes. Forgive other people for living and learning and making certain choices. Forgive yourself for not having all the control, all the answers, or for not being some b.s. version of perfection. It’s a process.

As easy as it is to write, feeling anything deeply is hard work for a lot of people.  There isn’t anything strong or “tough” about suppression- that’s actually easy and toxic.

I wish there was something more I could say on this.  Grieving (over anything) is all about clearing out pain.

Follow your heart.  It is true.