It isn’t about the clothes. It isn’t about posture or the way a woman sits on a chair.  We all know there is more to a person than the physical attributes.  Yet, I continue to hear “educated” and “nice” people judge women and girls based on appearances concerning clothes, and even about the way a woman walks.

There is discord between the genders with regards to sex, and there is a good reason for it. Sexuality has been a very convoluted topic.

 I will start with how we handle messages about female sexuality with our teen girls.

They have noticed the unfair double talk.

Countless times, I’ve heard well meaning parents say, “It’s not my daughter, I don’t trust.”  “I don’t trust the other people looking at her.” “She needs to be a lady.” Oddly, the way a woman sits on a chair can trigger a lot of people too.  It’s ridiculous.

Let us rest, when we sit.

We can also be triggered by fear.  Obviously, we don’t want anything to happen to our girls…but when the solution is found by controlling how a woman looks then, we perpetuate a cycle that has been occurring against women for a very long time.

There is a contradiction in the messages, “don’t judge someone by the way they look.”  Vs. “You aren’t the example, so dress carefully to not get hurt.”  “I don’t trust other people.”  “They may not respect you if your shorts are too short, or your shirt is cropped.”

We are all capable of being the example…

The truth is we have to start expecting more from each other.

Can we teach our boys anything more? 

What if we started using our voice, rather than fear?  Can we call another woman a slut or a ho in a demeaning way, if we want equality and true freedom?

Self-awareness is the first big step.

Yes, we have to be aware of our environment, but there is more to be done.  BTW, our daughters and sons do notice who grabs attention from the other gender.  Their examples start with us.  What is a desirable woman?  What does she do?  How does she dress, act?  Sometimes, parents teach a lot unintentionally, by their own actions, preferences, and words.  Our kids notice everything and our own actions are loud.

Female Sexuality has been hijacked.

Sometimes, we talk about sex like it is both sacred and casual.  This is everywhere, in everyday conversation and in the media. So, which is it?  Can it be both?

When we speak to our kids about sex, we tend to speak like sex should be meaningful.  That message isn’t reflected in many ways.

I have seen how freedom with female sexuality can be confused with what may actually be a lack of self -love. Many of us are still learning about empowerment.

I am talking about the women (and men) who may have a lack of self-love, and call it “sexual freedom”.  “I can do what I want!” Yet, some of these same people feel unhappy about their actions because, sex was just another way to kill time or because someone else really wanted it…even in relationships, marriages.

Being sexual is a right that has been made into a tool against women.

It’s confusing because sex has been used against women for so long.  I think it is because our views about women and sex change faster than we have learned how to interact with each other.  Women have been traded for goats, married for dowries, and used in marriages to gain political advantage or privilege. Then, we got the pill and the sexual revolution in the 1960’s.

We may feel like we know how we feel about sex but, I think we are still trying to figure it out.

Because, on the one hand, people can say if you are free, then you should be able to look and act like _________.”  On the other hand, “If you are a respectable lady, you ___________.”

We are always told how to be and it is manipulating. It also controls our sexuality and freedom.  No one wants to be called something untrue, so we conform to our immediate surroundings, most of the time.

Teaching girls self-respect should involve teaching boys how to respect and talk about women.

How do we begin to heal this?

1. Talk to our boys and girls about true equality. Everyone deserves to be human.
2. Clothes have never made the whole of the person. We can start noticing how we inadvertently make a judgement.
3. In many areas, using the word “slut” is becoming very outdated. The youth is moving away from this…I think we should embrace this everywhere.
4. Let’s remind our kids that magazines and films are highly edited and photoshopped. I watched a documentary on Vogue magazine. Vogue hires supermodels and well-known celebrities that are typically seen as beautiful. They photoshopped a neck, mouth, and criticized a celebrity for having the wrong hair color. They freely showed that bodies are reshaped. What we see in the media as an example for beauty, isn’t real! I don’t know if it has been real.
5. A woman who has chosen to wear a minimal amount of clothing, is not signaling an interest in inviting you into her home. Nor does it mean she is interested in attention. Staring can actually make us feel incredibly uncomfortable. There is a feeling that is passed between people and that feeling isn’t always appreciated. This is something to address with our youth.
6. Most men are inherently bigger than most women. This alone can feel threatening, in certain spaces (given our human history).  Our boys could be taught to be aware of the way they present themselves and to allow for space.  A lot of women I know, have been touched unnecessarily in a questionable way while out in public, by a man they didn’t know. This needs to be addressed and it needs to stop.  We do this by speaking up and by talking to our boys and girls about it.  A woman I knew once started a conversation about the difference between men and women in public.  Her example was that women typically have their car keys in their hand before they are outside.  Ready to be used as protection or to quickly get into her car.  Not all women use the word “threaten”, but a lot of us have some of the same automatic habits…for some reason.  Maybe it’s just women living in a densely populated areas?
7. We need to address issues with body types with both boys and girls.
8. Learning to smile more and to say hi to people is a powerful way to brighten a room.
9. Sometimes, healthy men and women don’t care about sex.
10. Sometimes, healthy men and women like sex a lot.
11. Let’s forget words like tramp or prude- we just need the right healthy partner, for us. Just because someone is different doesn’t mean they deserve a demeaning name.  We are sexual beings, but in varying amounts.
12. We can teach our kids to go with their heart, when they begin dating or the issue of marriage comes up…
13. We need to talk with our boys and girls about abusing the word, “love”.
14. It’s time to question our views on sex. Some of our views are hurting us and our relations.
15. Women, let’s teach our girls that they have beautiful bodies that don’t need to be altered or “fixed” I mean, let’s take a hint from the men…. 😊 Can we start being happier with ourselves? I know so many women and girls with perfect bodies who want to change so many things about their bodies.
16. Men gain from knowing how they feel about women and female sexuality. I mean actually thinking about it helps. It’s important because it helps a man to better watch his words and actions- for the sake of the important women and girls in his life.  We are all teaching something, but the point is to be more aware of the lessons we pass down.
17. A person who is free, knows how to say “no” and she does know her worth is more than the way she moves. She protects her heart and is true to herself.
18. An empowered woman is free but never obligated. She is more than her sexual nature, but she embraces her nature and isn’t ashamed. She will also consider her safety and make it a priority.
19. No one can “use you”, even if they choose those words- “Used you”. Those words reflect them.  If you are being true to yourself, you do what you want (and you don’t make apologies for that either).  You can’t be used up. You do what you want (hopefully with self-awareness).  You weren’t taken advantage of, by having sex.  People are sexual beings and I think it’s time we thoughtfully owned it, without demeaning or abusing each other for our nature.

On Femininity

In my teens, I began wearing a lot of different kinds of clothes.  I was one of those females who dressed more for the other females in the group than the men.  Us girls, bonded in our creativity and in the joy of certain colors and fabrics. It wasn’t so much about brands as it was color or style.  We were having fun regardless of the boys.  To hear the way some people talk, you may think girls are only ever thinking about boys and how to catch one.  This is just not true for everyone.  In fact, I don’t even think it’s true for most young girls- that’s my experience in speaking with the youth…and as having been a young girl some time ago…

Some of us like lace or other pretty things and it has nothing to do with wanting sex.  I am writing this because I still hear people accusing young women of trying to have sex or trying to get a man with certain clothes.

I’d say there was a double standard, but men are also treated unfairly, in different ways.  There are so many different double standards, in our society. You may find that the unfairness looks different but, in some ways, they balance out…it can leave a person standing still in life, no matter the gender.

Men ( or women), if you want to talk with a female but you are afraid of being threatening or misunderstood, try  to get into your feelings- And communicate from that space, but only speak from a genuine place.  Most women are more acquainted with their feelings and can feel what your intentions are, even if you are unsure about the way you feel. Be honest, without any extra B.S.  I know it isn’t easy for some guys to think about the way they feel or to communicate, but that’s the answer. Embrace your feminine side and be respectful of women, in general.  But, it has to be true.

Be free and let other people be free too.