Everyone deals with grief in different ways and we grieve for different reasons and at different stages in our lives.

Since it’s the people who are in a supportive role who are generally the ones reading about grief (and not so much the people grieving), I am writing to these people.

How a society handles death (and sexuality, for that matter) can truly impact the other lessons we teach and pass on to the next generation.  I think it is very important for us to be clear on our thoughts surrounding death.  Obviously, the way we handle the grieving process is a way to express our deepest and truest views on death.

After previously writing about grief, I decided to remove that post and to break down the topic.

Here are some of the basics.

1. Most people either want space to be alone or they want people around them. This might seem obvious, but what isn’t obvious is that what we would want isn’t necessarily what the other person wants…Ask the person who is grieving.  “Do you want to be alone?” Or, “Would you like some company? I can cook, tonight?”  Or simply, allow someone to be alone and, try not to push or force “happy feelings” or to insist on visitors.
2. Silence is usually best. Don’t try to fill the air with words like, “He is in a better place.” “I know how you feel.”  It’s a good idea to avoid assumptions.  I wouldn’t assume to know how anyone feels…. Silence can also help a person to get into his feelings and sometimes, words just get in the way.  Sometimes, all we need is for someone to sit with us. Or, we want someone around to answer the phone or the door and, to politely send people on their way. Sometimes, we want someone to be like a gatekeeper so that we don’t have to be “strong” in front of anyone.  At other times, someone who is grieving doesn’t want to answer a bunch of curious questions.
3. Letting go of grief doesn’t make the love stop. Holding onto the grief to hold onto a person, is forgetting all the reasons why you ever wanted to hold onto that person, to begin with…some grieving parents feel like they have to hold onto the pain because, it is how they can still feel something. The thing is, pain doesn’t allow a lot of love to be felt.  Love feels good and lifts us up, drives us, frees us (sometimes in the form of action)…Contrary to popular ideas of love, love and pain are not the same. In time, letting go of the pain helps us to remember a truer version of the life we are remembering. It helps to remember the person, rather than their death. It helps to remember the impact that person had on us.  We are all more than our final moments.  Even unborn babies can forever change a person (for the better). That’s what we should carry around and hold in our hearts- the beauty is in the impact we have on each other.
4. Attempting to distract someone isn’t always best. It may not even work well. Allowing a person to get into her/his feelings is a BIG part of the healing process.
5. If the grieving person says something “off color,” it can be okay to go with it. I don’t necessarily mean say something. Just be a safe space and allow it.  Death triggers a lot!  Our triggers are helped by being recognized, and felt.  Sometimes, a person is seeking validation for their feelings because, there were secrets, misunderstandings, and anger (just some examples). Something wasn’t recognized or validated.  It’s important to remember that we may not have the whole story. If someone is grieving a person who had “unfinished baggage,” think about the obstacles that were overcome.  Did this challenging relationship teach something greater? Did an unhealthy cycle end, in the family? Not even the darkest stuff exists without some light. Opposites occur together. Look for the light.
6. Try to remember that our experiences and perspectives of a deceased person can vary a lot. 
7. On Guilt. I am one of those Individuals who agrees that  people do the best they can with the knowledge they have.  Life is complex and challenging.  It can be very easy to blame ourselves for a death we may truly have had no control over…”If only I had been around more.” “If only I had said_________.” “I knew____ and I didn’t__________.”   I won’t say that there aren’t times when someone could have done something different.  However, there are times when a grieving person forgets the deceased person also had choices to make.  This is not about blame.  This is about accountability.   Everyone has accountability and should be free to make choices (obviously there are exceptions, like young children). When someone is blaming him or herself, let them speak.  If you want, ask her how she could have done something different.  If you can, help guide her to see if her thoughts are logical or illogical. When we are grieving we are not always rational.  Some people need time. We all know life is challenging.  The details, the fatigue, the work- it can be a heavy mix by itself…but, we do the best we can with what we know…
8. Reach out for help. Support groups can be very helpful.  It helps to see that no one is suffering alone.  It also helps to hear other perspectives from other people.  These groups are facilitated by a professional however, it’s the interactions of the group members that can be healing.  People helping people- I think that is what is so awesome about groups. Our helping spirit appears so natural, even while we are in pain.  A lot of groups will also happily welcome people who are trying to learn how to help someone else who is grieving.
9. Sometimes, a grieving person is helped by getting into action.  When the energy goes into making change, instead of staying in a prolonged negative emotional state then, that person can become a force for change.  That power is real. The first step is usually the hardest but, the payoff happens when that person sees the impact he can have on someone.  The action taken can be anything and is helpful when it is done with heart (not in fear or revenge).
10. If you haven’t had a death in your close circle, it may be hard to understand the grieving process.  Keep some things in mind, like:
    1. The mornings can be especially hard for a grieving person. For some people, sleeping alone is the hardest part.
    2. The holidays or special days can be rough, even after years have passed.
    3. Traditions that used to involve the deceased person may be hard on anyone grieving. For some people, this is a good time to start a new tradition. This can be honoring someone in some way.  For other people, it may be about honoring life.
    4. Surviving spouses or surviving family members may worry that they will be forgotten now that someone else has died. This may be true in blended families.
    5. Sometimes, surviving family members have new concerns involving finances or the possibility of having to relocate.
    6. It can be challenging for a surviving spouse to allow the adult children to take control over certain decision making procedures.  This may be especially true if the surviving spouse requires help or assistance in some way .
11. When it looks like a person is not grieving or “acting like nothing is wrong,” it may be Their process. People may appear unaffected by a death for different reasons. Shock, avoidance of deeper pain or triggers, a feeling of, “I have to be strong for__________.” Typically, this process takes its course, and can be healthy as well. Timing is everything and everyone has their own way for facing death and the emotions (or memories and unresolved feelings) it triggers. On some level, people want to feel safe to be vulnerable.  Just because there is a death, doesn’t mean everyone will feel like it’s their time to grieve.  Keep in mind, there can be a lot of paperwork, legal issues, and planning of services.  Stress can halt tears.

Grief is something that we can’t outrun or ever really escape.  We are typically forced to go through this process, in our own way. There isn’t any real rule on how to grieve.

If a person is going through a prolonged state of grief and it is negatively impacting her life, it may be time to get help.