How can two kids with similar backgrounds and challenges grow into adults with completely different lives? Is it resilience and can it be taught?

I can tell you what I was taught, from a clinical standpoint. Then, I’ll tell you from my experience of people.

A lot of people in mental health will chalk it up to resilience- the ability to get through a traumatic event relatively unaffected. These days a lot of PhD’s are writing that resilience is something that can be taught. Behind closed office doors, the idea that resilience can be taught isn’t always the consensus.  Why? Well, the traits that seem to make up resilience need to be practiced and fostered- commonly noted traits like staying goal oriented, communication skills and self-esteem. It’s not enough to intellectualize everything.  Making a conscious effort to practice what we know is equally important but, this is the part that is often forgotten. It can be difficult to practice what we know…to follow through, somehow…

I’d say there is one important component that is not emphasized enough and is even forgotten.  Don’t take things personal– This almost goes hand in hand with self- esteem but not entirely…self-esteem and not taking things personal (Personalization) can exist separate from each other. However, I’m not so sure it’s the norm. So, for most people, not internalizing our life experiences can help to keep our self-esteem higher.

(*Side note for the spiritually interested…self-esteem is often described as something that is outgrown as a person evolves. This is because healthy self-esteem identifies with our ideas on “worth” and our abilities in comparison to others. Self-esteem still involves ego and identification with the physical world vs. our spiritual side.)

How can I not take something personal, that was… personal?

• If I said to you, “Wow, you are an awful shade of glitter!” You would probably have an instant feeling of something like, “What? That’s silly or stupid. It makes no sense. Is something wrong with Erica?” In this context, You Know who you are. You aren’t glittery or some awful shade or some combination of the two. It just sounds ridiculous and may not even provoke you at all. You wouldn’t be defensive in the slightest. Know who you are. Be confident (it’s helpful to know how you really feel about yourself and to do the inner work to heal old scars…).
• Some of us know there is always more to the story. We see that someone may treat us poorly because, that is how that person knows how to exist in the world. Or, maybe someone treated you poorly, after that person got really bad news. Regardless, the way someone speaks to you, may have very little to do with you. It’s not about you.
• Regret and guilt have ways of seeping into the things we take personal. Maybe someone said something cutting, something about the past. We all do things we wish we could forget. If someone reminds you of your past actions and it affects you- maybe you can try forgiving yourself (if you haven’t) and let that person find a new place to hang out.  Hypocrisy is tiresome anyway. We have all done or said something we wouldn’t want to repeat.
• Maybe some event wasn’t as bad as it seemed, maybe you handled it better than you realized. Maybe you handled a situation better than most people would have handled it.  For some reason, we are really good at thinking something was worse than it was…give yourself some credit- you dealt with it, got through it and, its over.
• Be positive. We can learn a lot about a person or a situation, when things happen and it feels personal. We can even learn something about ourselves. Notice things about yourself and your situation…its not like you have to tell everyone what you learned, if you don’t want to.  At least, something was brought to light.

Not taking something personal is a practice, for some people, especially if we began believing a lot of the B.S. This is in part because, society gives us and our children mixed signals. Looks don’t matter but, you have to work hard to get the finer things, the house, the car, the body.  Why?  What should any of it matter? If life is about more than the materials how do we get so caught up?  Can we be honest with each other?  Some of us are very caught up…we take a lot of things personal and teach our kids from that angle. We feel our kids should have everything but, how much happiness exists in our circles? How much living, freedom and truer love? I hope most of us can say, “I have all of those things- love, freedom, happiness.” Truly, I do hope that is your life.

Sometimes, we take so many things personal because, it’s so hard to be pulled in so many (superficial) directions.  It can feel endless and tiresome.

It’s not just semantics. We can help our kids to choose their words wisely.

Words are powerful because they affect our perception. Words also tend to reflect the way we think about ourselves.   In general, words seep into our psyche. This can be life altering. We begin to take a lot of things personal. “Why does everything always happen to me?” “I can’t believe she is doing this to me, again!”

We benefit from taking the “me” out of it because, sitting in the center of all spotlights can feel heavy. Sometimes, other people are simply making choices, regardless of anyone else.

As parents, I think we give our kids a huge advantage when we address the words some kids choose to use.

Oh, and if you do notice your child taking something personal, don’t take it personal in return.  Even if they hear us speak a particular way, our kids gain from learning to think for themselves. No more automatic behaviors from thoughtless mirroring.  No more blaming ourselves for the choices other people make…but, we can still help each other. We can still address our challenges, and make life a practice.