No one can do it all. We also tend to want to believe that people are genuine when they say, “Let me help.” Or, “I care and think about you.”  Sometimes, we feel guilt because, we can feel that some people aren’t genuine when they volunteer their help- it is just talk.

If you have an awesome supportive group then, consider yourself fortunate!  Definitely, allow the give and take.  People who are genuine feel your love when you receive their offer.   Equal measures of give and take allow individuals to be supportive of each other.

Lifting each other up or keeping each other at a certain level?

A part of our life involves, finding our own “pack”- a small group of like-minded people who are true and supportive. In my life, this has been just a few people and I know for most of us, this isn’t always family.  The tricky part, is finding people who live close to you.  There are all kinds of sites online to help organize groups or for finding like- minded people- I know online sites may seem like a weird way to find people but, it has worked for a lot of individuals. It is a way to break free of our physical constraints.  I want to add that I have experienced some of the best conversations in the moments I have least expected it.  Stay open to new people however it happens! There are still a lot of awesome people out there! 

Below are some things to consider or why we should never feel guilty for letting people go and finding a new group…this is a common action among people discovering that they have actually been craving a new way to be as individuals, and as parents.

Group dynamics and the unhealthy details to notice within our groups:

• Talk that sounds like, “Be free to be you.” However, the real meaning, “Be “free” if we understand and approve”. This can be a way to control people.  For example, I have heard some parents tell their older children, “I want you to be happy and to do what feels right.”  Those same parents will then say, “I know what makes my son happy and what he thinks is best for him.  He will “come around” after he experiences certain challenges.  I will not be around either.”  Yet, if the son had made a different choice, the parents would have been supportive and would have provided help.  I have even heard parents say, “Depression is normal when we make the right decision.  There are ways to deal with it…” So, the message is, “I support you as long as you do what I say is best for you.”  It isn’t just parents using this tact.  Friends, siblings, and people in relationships do it to each other, as well. Sometimes, our dreams and goals are simply too big for our current group.
• Are your words being used against you? Maybe you question things in your family and other people are triggered by that……some people have a habit of “turning the gun on people rather than to look for the root cause to the way things functions (or don’t function well or in a fair way).  One of the hardest lessons I have had to learn is that you can give a person tools but, it doesn’t mean that person will know how to use those tools. Sometimes, it’s the person who feels powerless who learns how to target the happy healthy people. Some people still use knowledge as a weapon against other people, on different levels.  If this is true in your circle, it may be time to find a different circle.
• Do you hear generalizations made about people as a defense mechanism? “People always take advantage if they can, so I try never to make myself available.”  In truth this is only possible if it is allowed.  If you learn who you can help and who takes advantage then, this isn’t an issue. This may seem obvious but, what I have experienced is that many people have trouble saying no.  They help everyone (and are usually helping the ones taking advantage- because there is already an unhealthy established pattern).  Then, by the time someone else comes along there is just no energy left.  This person stays connected to a certain group while burning healthy bridges.
• Gossip. How many of us thought we could trust someone, only to find out he is the number one person instigating the hard feelings?  The best we can do is to not reciprocate the gossip.  Honestly, we are too busy anyway.  When you need to let off steam, talk directly to the person there is an issue with or practice changing your mood.  Gossip only keeps the group dynamics to stay low.  Often, the person talking about everyone else has a hard time feeling empowered in other aspects of his life.  It is best to not encourage this behavior by further tearing this person down.  At times, this person can be helped by encouraging the positive things he may do.  Other times, it may be best to address some of his unhealthy behaviors.  You can describe how some of his gossiping has had a negative impact.  Have you noticed how much gossiping happens in some reality tv shows?  On some level, I wonder if this makes gossiping more normal or ok. Yet, it can truly tear up a group…
• Victim Mentality. Is there someone in the group who passive aggressively takes control over people by being “vulnerable” or “hurt” in some way?  Everyone is entitled to their feelings but, you are not responsible for nursing the self-proclaimed victim.  We all go through low points and we all benefit from learning how to pull ourselves through those dark times.  However, some people quickly learn that by being a “victim” someone else can be controlled in some way.  Sometimes, we have to be our own example or our own hero.
• Is your group made of people who look the same? I’m not really talking about just race.  I mean, everyone follows the same unwritten dress code, same way to interact in the world, attending the same type of schools, pressure to attend church or to give a certain amount, etc.  Often our group norms hold us back…in my experience, kids, teens, even the adults feel pressure to be similar or risk criticism and gossip.  Control exerted within a group is not always overt (like it can be when controlling young children or the “black sheep”).

Sometimes we try so hard to create an ideal life but, somehow something is off.  The question may be, “Have I outgrown my situation, my circle?”  This isn’t about criticism or blame.  We may have simply decided to move forward in a different direction.  Raising children is challenging enough.  Developing a supportive group with equal give and take, made of people with similar mindsets is critical.  Otherwise, we may find that we are struggling, or staying stuck.

Let’s make it a practice to find like-minded people, for friends.