One of the first things many new parents do is to look for advice and books on parenting.  What is the right approach, the right advice?  What is the newest and latest book?  It can be overwhelming.

Try not to be swayed by appearances…some of the best information I came across actually came from people I spoke with while out with my kids.  People I don’t even know have given me unique perspectives…When looking for advice try to be aware of why you gravitate towards certain books, certain people…obviously the image of polished professionalism isn’t everything.

Do you remember when spanking was considered healthy and the sentence, “This is going to hurt me more than it’s going to hurt you.”  While many of us were growing up corporal punishment was a common thing but, I don’t actually think our parents and grandparents actually felt like it was the right thing- often it was a desperate measure or “the thing for a disobedient child.”  There were/ are books on how to spank. My point- watch out for any advice or literature that triggers a negative response in you.

Try not to be too much in your head, when parenting.  Sometimes, a parent’s role is only to sit back and watch her kid figure out his next move…a practice in empowerment.

When looking for guidance, books, advice remember:

• Ultimately, credentials or letters behind a person’s name can mean very little…Haven’t we all asked, “How did that person get this job? How did he even get the degree?”  Some people are natural marketers.  They have charisma.  They knew the right people. They look the part. They had the right family for advancement.  Some people simply have the right life story or background.  None of this means that a person will have talent or ability in his chosen field. Examples of this can be found in any field, with any degree from any school. There are some helpful books out there but, there is a lot of outdated stuff too.  Sometimes I hear people quoting professionals that are no longer considered…current…  I don’t want to sound harsh but, I do want to be truthful.The look of professional perfection is just another image.
• There are a lot of great children’s books on a variety of topics.  These books can help us to “speak the same language” as our children.
• Look up writers/ professionals. Do they have published videos? If a professional has a particular tone, doesn’t listen well, is condescending, or otherwise disrespectful consider that a possible red flag. I have actually seen different professionals treat clients, kids or readers as inferior.  We know when we are being played for a fool or when people act superior to us.  The people we trust should  have no need for that behavior and, shouldn’t  have an interest in causing more low feelings.
• Marketing is huge in the U.S. and it is an animal that can appeal to us on so many levels- Bestsellers may be helpful but, they may also be taking advantage of a trend.  If the advice in a book doesn’t vibe with you then, I don’t care who wrote the book- put it down and find something else.
• Reconsider taking advice from anyone who seems to blame the parents for everything. Why?  The answer for why families struggle is rarely as simple as what mom or dad did. Society has an impact on our children, as well.  We are all interacting with each other while developing our own perceptions and interpretation, in life.  All of us have the potential to impact more people than we may realize. Everyone plays a part in bringing up children, whether they own it or not…sometimes the biggest thing we can do is to be an advocate for our kid, in our everyday life.  Being an advocate can look like anything from taking more time off to simply insisting on new family traditions (that may be more authentic, be freeing, or healthy for our kids).  Sometimes, saying “No” to what other people say or expect is advocating.  That is being a light in society.
  
• Books that promise spiritual enlightenment normally fall flat on that promise. I wanted to add this because as people evolve, business has already found a way to capitalize on spirituality and conscious parenting. Perhaps a shift in perception is something that happens through the experience of life and not so much through the purchase of just the right book.  Sometimes, these books actually make people feel worse because they create an image of spirituality and conscious parenting.  To me, the look of spirituality is personal to everyone and it is something we develop with our own inner knowing, over time.  Be careful with these books- protect your happy and remember it’s all a journey…
• Anyone can self-publish a book. As I write this I’m thinking of a great children’s book writer.  She self-publishes.  Anyway, just keep in mind that just because something was published doesn’t mean it’s great for you.
• Many writers and professionals may be giving advice based on their particular type of clientele. It doesn’t necessarily make it the best advice for you or your situation.  For example, I have seen many kids excel from simply being a part of dialogue.  They are lifted up and empowered by sharing conversations with you.  Time- out (for space and to breathe) may never be necessary.  I would say don’t force it.  Other children benefit from having space and learning to breathe before responding to someone or something. Nothing is a “one size fits all”.
  

Think about the topics that are a priority to you. There are a lot of books and people that tend to contradict each other so, begin to form your own opinions on topics.

Below are some topics of interest that you may come across, related to parenting. 

• Some people talk about consequences as only negative reactions and that consequences should never be a part of parenting because, consequences are shaming.  A lot of these individuals see kids as the true teachers.  I agree with these people to a point.  I do agree that kids are teachers.  I also think there are a lot of parents who are also natural teachers helping to keep their kids “raised up”.   For me, consequences are two things: 1) less about good or bad and 2) a foundation in most things we know as people living on this planet.  We affect each other.  Consequences are in the scientific laws we know governing our natural world.  Personally, consequences have helped me to keep my boys alive.  They are both high energy boys who give input freely.  Sometimes, they react before looking at the environment.  I live in an area with a dense population and lots of traffic.  I decided that since I could not keep the cars from this area (to keep the boys safer), I could help the boys to remember to watch for cars.  That involved making it clear that if they could not look out for cars then, we simply would not be able to go to certain parks.  That is a consequence.   Time-out may also be a consequence in other situations.
• Should they see us angry? For a typical person, who doesn’t become abusive in anger, I think it’s okay. I also think its vital to talk about our emotion and to be accountable for our own emotions and reactions.  It isn’t about blaming someone for the way we react and we shouldn’t shame our kids. However, emotions and feelings are a part of life.  Our kids can practice their feelings and emotions as they watch us practice. We can use words like, “I feel frustrated when I am unable to just sit down.” Or, “I feel sad when I see people hitting each other.”  Moms and dads are human beings on their own journeys too.  Pretending to be something else is a disservice to our kids- it’s not being authentic.
• Naptime/bedtime. People are at their best when they are well rested.  I have seen a child’s personality appear to change completely based on whether or not this child was getting enough sleep. It has become a normal occurrence for kids to go to bed at 10 or 11 o’clock at night on a weekday.  This may happen because of extracurricular activities, a parent trying to spend time with a child or because, some kids simply have the same routine as other people in the house.  If a child’s behavior is changing, consider altering the sleep routine.  It is also crucial for parents and guardians to have time to decompress and to rest.  Rest and sleep should not be neglected.  I know that for some people altering bedtime habits may be a challenge.  All we can do is our best…
• Food. Food coloring seems to be in everything including meat. Research is suggesting that it may be causing cancer and behavioral issues. What is ‘Natural Flavors’?  Does anyone out there truly know?  It may be in our best interest to start relearning how to eat real food- stuff from the ground…much of this stuff can be eaten raw and requires no special skill set in the kitchen.  If that isn’t your thing, maybe slowly acquire simple recipes so you can begin cooking as a routine.  I know that many Americans do not cook as a routine.  We are so busy and tired.  In the long run I think this is hurting us in two ways- with our health and with our money flow (and possibly in other ways).    Relearning how to eat may be one of the best things we can do for our kids.  My boys didn’t experience sugar until they were 2ish. Now, they tolerate moderation and eat vegetables. Yes, they love cake but, they naturally stop eating it without me having to pull it away.  They may eat a few pieces of candy but, they also eat raw kale. There can be a balance and, no, it’s not about only eating healthy food.
  
• Potty Training- Some kids learn about this quick, some simply do not care about going to the potty. I know there are some strong views out there about when a kid must be potty trained.  I think this can be a very traumatic time for kids (and parents) because, kids can feel shame for what their bodies do or don’t do easily…try to consider your child’s motor skills and his/ her ability to wipe.  Ultimately, I think a child leads the way on this topic…I don’t think this is something we can force in a healthy way, early on.  We can encourage them to go to the potty, and give them the opportunity to go on their own or with us, if they prefer the company.  Expect to be grossed out and you’ll be ok.  Both of my boys are potty trained and I did have moments in the past, when I could not imagine them as potty trained…ever.  Some of us have kids with zero hang ups on the matter. Maybe that’s okay- actually I think it might make them awesome parents, in the future.  I like how they laugh about the things that are gross to me. They are less wound up and I don’t want to take that from them.

After you have done the research, read the book, talked to your friends and parents, go with your heart.

See your kids for who they are, cherish their authenticity- It’s a beautiful thing.