Have you ever realized how much influence you and other people have on a child? I have noticed that many kids inherit fears their parents had or have currently.

Some of the fears we have were established simply by being told to be afraid of _________.  This is something I have observed and had to watch for, in my own life.

Keep in mind, that as children age they pick up on everyone around them.  Mimicking behavior helps us to fit in, get answers, and to navigate a world that doesn’t always make sense.  Behaviors don’t have to make sense for us to embrace them. Maybe it’s a survival tactic. The world is odd sometimes and we react accordingly. Fear is in part, something we learn.  Not all fear is rooted in something that was ever true.

I can break this down by simply giving examples I have seen and, experienced in one way or another.  Chances are you have your own examples stemming from your early years. Do you remember how some of your fears began to develop?

Typical examples to consider:

Fear of the dark– When my oldest son was born, I was determined to get sleep sooner rather than later.  I wanted him in his room as soon as he slept through the night without having to be nursed.  I have a very hard time sleeping and sharing a room with him was causing real problems, for me ( I was averaging an hour maybe 2hrs a night for the first few months- maybe it was the anxiety and the nursing him). Luckily, at four months, he began sleeping in his room through the night. No nightlight. I never had any issues and he didn’t cry at night- just peacefully slept.  After telling someone how he was sleeping at night, she immediately raised her voice and told me that he was scared and that he was too young to be in his room, in the dark. First, I was relieved that he wasn’t around to pick up on her vibe and her words (he was potty trained late in exchange for speaking long before he was a year).  I explained to her that I never told him the dark was scary.  He instantly went to sleep in a dark room.  I feel at peace in the dark and I think my sons felt secure from that example.

Fear of bugs/insects etc.– Tarantulas tend to be gentle giants that are actually very fragile.  People say that cockroaches have lived through everything- is anyone studying their ability to survive or, are we all running from them? I leave bees alone and they leave me alone.  No, I don’t keep any of these guys as pets but, I do wonder about phobias leading to over extermination.  Insects and bugs have a place within a healthy Earth.  Worms are great for a healthy garden. I have seen children play with bugs and insects (rather examine and squash them) then, begin mimicking the scared adults around them.  Sure, some kids were always going to stay away from these creatures but, for a lot of children it’s another area of fascination- I would like to keep that alive in our kids longer…the fascination in life…Some people may say, “Well, it’s a part of our evolution, to be afraid of certain creatures (is that touching on “cellular memory”? That was mainly embraced by the esoteric world for a long, long time…now science is following…again…).  I have definitely seen inquisitive kids begin to mimic fear, as they age, nonetheless.  If you live in an area with dangerous wildlife, it may be fun (and helpful) for your kids to learn how to differentiate between different spiders, etc.  Embrace it to empower them.

Fear of talking to other kids– In psychology, role- playing is used to play out possible situations.  This helps a person to feel more equipped to handle a variety of possible outcomes.  Kids can also benefit from practicing how to respond when they have limited experience, in life.  This can also allow a child to “reframe” or to see a situation from a different perspective.  This can be done as a parent helps to lead the role play through different possible situations.  Have fun with it. Another point to talk about is finding the right crowd- sometimes people do us a favor by rejecting us or,  by making it hard to be a part of the group….

Fear of ghosts– Of the people I know, who have had experiences they can’t explain, I don’t know anyone who has had a truly negative experience… sometimes, I think horror stories do more to keep people away from something like spirituality…the way we interpret things may also be blocking our understandings of the bigger picture…obviously, this won’t vibe for everyone…my life has been filled with purely logical people. Yet, even these individuals (in my life) have had strange experiences- it totally baffles them, “what do you think that was?” “Is it even possible? “Maybe it was my imagination.” (yet, they can’t stop thinking about it). When a person is stuck in logic, has an unexplainable experience, it’s like watching them have a short circuit of the brain- makes me laugh because, some of that behavior seems illogical.  It brings out that playful side of me.  I don’t use the word ghost because, it is associated with negative things. However, I have intended to normalize “spirit” and the boys aren’t afraid of it, for now. That is what is right for my household- that may not be right for yours…

Fear of (or anxiety over) academic subjects– I still hear how “girls aren’t good at math or science”. I even see t-shirts for girls, making light of how “girls just aren’t good at math”. We keep our kids down when we embrace these types of stereotypes. You may be surprised by how much some kids second guess themselves simply because, of the things they have heard about their gender.  Insecurities are rarely based in truth but, many kids believe the voices that helped to establish the insecure feelings.  Many adults struggle to outgrow those voices- the voices that told them what they couldn’t do.

Loud or overwhelming stimuli – Two examples are Fireworks or someone who puts their face in a baby’s space (so many people do this and it doesn’t always go well. Or they make faces at a baby- the world already makes little sense to an infant…). I hear parents say things like, “You never liked Uncle George.  Since you were a baby you would cry around him.”   Or, “There was just something about this toy.  You have been so scared of it.” Yes, kids are intuitive but, maybe it was Uncle George’s close proximity.  Maybe the toy was in a baby’s face…for some reason we forget that babies are people too.  The difference is that they are at our mercy.  They can’t do much for themselves.  So, what looks like fear may be overwhelmed senses. I think we may be severely underscoring how uncomfortable developing senses may be for an infant.  Keep in mind that an infant may have very little eyesight.  This coupled with being handed around a room to various people, all trying to soothe a possibly crying infant, may not be a soothing experience.

Responding to a child’s fear

I try to keep things neutral (or give an answer true to what I have experienced, when it comes to traditionally scaring things). “Bugs are just doing bug things.” “You don’t have to kill everything”.  “Let it be”. “Your attitude with learning anything (like math) is important.” “You don’t have to learn something the same way as your classmates.” “Trust in yourself.”  “Maybe you are different for a reason.”

Of course, fear can be a door to understanding and learning.  For example, we can use fear to motivate us to learn about truly poisonous snakes.  This is especially empowering for kids who may live in areas with varieties of snakes.

Ways to deal with fear:

• Talk about it with someone you trust. Are your fears based in something logical or a “what if” scenario? “What if” thinking can keep us stuck but, they can also help us to plan.  Plan what to do in a possible or assumed “what if” situation but, don’t let it keep you stuck when your heart wants to move forward. “What if those kids are mean to me? A possible reply can be, “You can leave them.  I’m right here.”  “What if a mean ghost or a mean shark comes into my room?” (childhood fears aren’t always logical. As a little girl, I was afraid a tiger would get into my room.) You can respond by telling your child that he can say out loud “Leave my room ghost! You can’t stay here!” Try to be creative with your child.  A little effort can go a long way and really comfort them.
• Imagine a different situation or do something that is calming or fun. Some children are afraid of thunderstorms.  Help them to think about something nice or fun.  Imagine being on a beach playing in the sand.  You can also tell them a story (maybe about a really kind lightning bolt and his loud friend, Mr. Thunder), draw with them or, play games.
• Notice if something or someone is contributing to your child’s fears and communicate. For me, this usually means talking to my children about whatever was said…”I heard what Susie said to you. It isn’t scary to me when it rains. The plants are drinking.”  “I heard Aunt Betty is afraid of worms. Worms help plants grow.” You can empower children with information.
• Be confidant when you speak with your kids about scary stuff. They benefit by seeing your approach and feeling your confident energy.

Communication and confidence are important when dealing with fears.  It’s almost like that is how fear is useful. It builds our confidence once we overcome the fear, learn how to effectively communicate with ourselves and, hopefully we learn how to communicate what we have learned to the next generation.

Follow your heart by learning (and sometimes, teaching) how to move through fear. I know sometimes it takes a leap of faith to move past fear. It is a practice.