So many of the choices we make involve the option of releasing control or releasing old ideas.  We reach a fork in the road and have questions like, “Do I continue to stand by my kid, even though _____?” “Do I keep hoping our relationship will improve, even though_____?” Then, there’s the impossibility of seeing *guaranteed* outcomes…Control gives us a false sense of security but, sometimes life’s so-called rules were never going to be a part of the equation. These days, most of us know the rules are blurry and ambiguous. So, then we look to what is the “right” thing.  Loyalty and “letting go” seem to be at opposite ends of the same coin and, it can get confusing.

What if letting go has nothing to do with loyalty or, abandonment or, even the feeling of love?

What if letting go is about allowing people (or ourselves), our older kids, family members, lovers, to be exactly where their choices placed them….

When we allow other people to see and experience their  consequences, they can begin to see what they have created or maintained. Yes, they will likely feel the brunt of their actions ( when you remove yourself)- this doesn’t have to permanently stop a person. The action part of this only involves facing a truth, for this other person (who is stuck or taking advantage, etc.). This can lead to something else…  For most of us, it’s the answer for how to navigate through choices better or easier.  Ultimately, this can help a  person to get what they have been wanting… if the person actually wants something but, has been stuck in place.  “What does that even mean?” It’s up to the individual and the situation. — Can we pause and consider one other thing….maybe a person making all the “wrong” decisions, is actually making the right decisions for herself…what looks foreign to us, can feel like home to someone else.-–

Letting go may mean walking away from someone for a while (it doesn’t have to be a forever decision to stay away). Maybe you have a difficult situation with teen kids who live with another family member.  Sometimes, teens beg to be left alone or to have things in a very narrow-minded way.  Many times, our kids don’t have the full story but, their opinions are passionate. It can be healthy to let them have distance from us. For those of you with teens who may have learned some unhealthy ways to communicate- sometimes the best thing is, to let things cool down…be aware, other parents may not understand and judge you for allowing distance between you and your teen or adult child.  In the end, no one knows as much about the situation as you. Listen to your heart.  Remember, allowing space (or allowing our children to have space from us) can be healing.

Letting go can mean no longer being the control freak and, letting other people make mistakes even if YOU see the mistake before it has happened (it’s easier to anticipate something when we have been allowed to mess up or to simply experience a consequence).  Many people don’t know this but, most “control freaks” have a secret- they never wanted that role or responsibility!  It’s exhausting and feels completely unfair, to be the person who keeps everything functioning in a particular way.  Sometimes, we just have to let people be but, many control freaks hate to see people get hurt (in their eyes it was needless pain).  Many people don’t know that “control freaks” have a hidden sensitive side because it is masked well. There isn’t enough room for sensitivity when there is so much to “keep inline.”  If you have been described as a control freak, you may not realize that other people may not want everything to run so smoothly.  Sometimes, we hold on so tight that we give up adventure,  or zest for life. It can feel difficult to breathe around people who keep a tight grip on “order”.   If you are the one keeping order, you main gain popularity by changing some things up a bit.  This only works well, if you hear what other people actually crave, want, or wish for…some of us have people in our lives, who paint the world beautifully…if we let them fly around us.

In economics, “opportunity cost” is something that has to be given up, for a particular choice.  Different choices have higher or lower opportunity cost.  Cost involves more than money spent.  It also involves resources.

What is the value in letting go when it can feel too difficult? Could this be contrary to being happy and choosing love or, to what it means to be a in a family?

Reasons to let go:

• To get clear on what you truly want.
• To gain a new perspective without being manipulated or influenced by other people.
• To be free from limiting thought patterns. “I need this amount of income so, I need This particular job.” “I’m not that smart, so I could never go back to school.” (BTW, most people getting degrees aren’t brilliant in a traditional sense.)
• To allow someone else to gain perspective and depth.
• To allow someone else to gain experiences without you.
• To take care of our own well-being and to love ourselves. We show people how to treat us and, we don’t dwell in their presence if the vibe doesn’t match. Remember that self-love has to be a lesson understood first, before we can truly love someone else.  If a person isn’t good enough for herself, how is she good enough for you and vice versa? This is applicable in any kind of a relationship. Even the older child and parent relationships- when we first learn about how to interact with people.  If we demonstrate that our kids can treat us any particular way, they may carry that mentality into other relationships and another cycle carries on through another generation.
• Letting go is loving and it shows respect for another person’s decisions even if we don’t agree or don’t understand. It’s like granting freedom and that is loving. So much of what we do is to avoid difficult feelings within ourselves.  For example, I feel pain when I see my boys get hurt.  I am very inclined to try to prevent every injury they experience.  If I do try to involve myself in every accident they have, I am doing them a disservice.  I know that sometimes, I have to feel the pain as I watch them make certain decisions so, they learn about different consequences.  This also allows them to learn how to make decisions, and to practice discernment.
• To allow someone else to experience cause and effect- this makes a person powerful with the experience of and practice of discernment. A person also learns that what they do matters and that their choices matter- that’s living.
• The opportunity cost was too high, for now.

What if a person’s choices could be her end and, I’m not there to watch over her?

This is a hard question to answer because, there are a lot of different situations.  What is usually common to these situations, is that YOU are not the only one feeling forced to be involved, in the choices another person is making…

A question to consider:

Were you changing anything for this person or was she being enabled, in any way?

You can ask yourself, “Am I (and my family) willing to go down with the ship?” Where would you draw the line in the sand? Are there any boundaries?  Let your boundaries guide you.  For some of us, our boundaries involve protecting our children. If someone you love is self-destructing and you choose to let go, it may be helpful to find a good counselor, friend, or group therapy to help get through the moments.  Refuse to allow the whole crew to go down in this storm.  This can be incredibly difficult but, at least know what you are willing to lose as the price of not letting go.