“Things aren’t changing no matter what I do.” I have heard this sentiment in so many different ways- “Nothing is happening.” “He keeps cheating.” “Nothing I do makes her happy.” “I feel left out in the cold.”
It doesn’t matter if we are talking about relationships or about life in general. The answer is the same.
We are not in control of anything but, ourselves. We can force a level of control over people. Have you ever tried that? How did it go? I have seen that it usually ends in a deadlock with emotions running high. People suffering more…for longer.
Here’s a short list of realizations I have seen as beneficial for people (who had been stuck in cycles).
- Many couples are codependent on each other for happiness. “We do everything together!” “I feel so happy when he ________.” “She didn’t even cook. What do I have to do?” Sure, we interact with each other but, at the end of the day, we maintain our own happiness. We hold that space, that high vibe for ourselves. Realize that only you are responsible for your happiness.
- Accept that sometimes Money runs low. Moneymoneymoneymoney! “I can’t do anything because of money.” “Or, I’ve been milked dry!” To that I can say that literally every time a chapter in my life changed (and I was truly changing things up) the money flow was low. It’s like sometimes our actions are investments not quite credits, yet. Don’t forget there is an order to things. For me, money came after the building up process. I have also accepted that things don’t always go as planned and that is okay. Let go of the plan you had envisioned, if that plan holds you back! Sometimes, we accept help. Sometimes we practice acceptance while we are in the creative mode. Money makes things easier but, it isn’t everything and it isn’t a measure of who we are or a measure of what we are capable of– a huge lesson for many of us. Many of us go through bankruptcies, layoffs, failed business attempts, legal fees (this is so common as most people have been through divorce or have been arrested for whatever (usually DWI)- Yes, this is common but, usually a big ol’secret.—something I came to know through my chosen field.). So What if you have had some challenges! You are apparently LIVING! Awesome. No, I’m not minimizing your experiences. I am saying dwelling or being lazer focused on not having something like money, can limit you.
- Talking with someone you trust is helpful. The more neutral this person is, the more helpful he/she may be, for you.
- See what your own habits are…what are you doing the same, every day, every week. Are you expecting changes from the same routine you have had for years? Have you ever noticed that the same things keep happening in your life? Maybe, it’s time to change something, in your life.
- Remove yourself from the fight. Someone keeps initiating war? Check your emotions. Stop reacting. Or leave. You don’t always need to respond immediately. Create space. Shock the person by being unpredictably done…love yourself more than the battle (that you never truly win anyway- everything has a cost).
- Are you expecting a person to change his/her own habits to save a relationship or to keep the peace? Can I ask you a tough question? Don’t worry no one will hear your thought…Did this person feel inclined to be fully in this relationship, from the start? What is motivating this person now, to save this relationship? Is it fear or sadness? Is that good for you? Is this person truly for you? If you were my friend or my kid, I’d sit with you. Play a sad song and hug you. Feed you healthy food. I’d drag you outside and if you let me, drag you on a trip to my favorite coast. I’d help you to see what you always deserved and that maybe you settled for less. Let things end so life can keep evolving. Sometimes relationships happen and we learn from them so, we can move on to end a cycle. This is not all sadness. It is growth. Growing pains, maybe. For a time.
- Custody. Kids involved? Every situation is different. Every state is different. I have seen divorces last decades, over custody. On some level that battle became the unstable, ever changing, unofficial custody. Was that better for those children? No, if there is no abuse and danger involved. Choose what is most important- keeping a stable environment for your child. I know it’s easier said than done but, practice putting love first and protecting your child’s happiness. They hate to see the grown-ups fighting. They hate it more than anything. To a child, primary custody means nothing (though some kids learn to mimic a parent). Your kid loves you both and doesn’t care about the legal stuff. No matter how much time you have with your child, it can be made into a special experience anyway. I have actually seen dads (without the primary custody) become the trusted confidant of the child. Why? Because there is space. Allowing space is healing. My point is primary custody seems to be a hyped-up status that parents are almost willing to kill each other over and the whole ship goes down in the process…this is in part why some judges become fed up (I have actually been told this…). Parents who constantly go after each other are already not acting in the kids best interest. BTW, not getting primary custody doesn’t mean you were the less fit parent. There are so many other factors involved…
- Accept that we can’t always know what is truly possible. Stay open to life to allow possibilities. Hermit mode is good in the right proportion.
- Stop overthinking about the past or about possible outcomes- let that all go. No one can change the past. Thinking about it is a complete waste of time, as long as it keeps you down and stuck. Sometimes, we just leap into movement. If necessary, we can alter our movement- like run a little than, leap. Or, just pack your bags, or write that letter, or whatever. Refuse to stay stuck in useless thought.
- Are you waiting on something? How long do you plan on waiting? Yes, sometimes we wait and see… Waiting around for an extended period of time may also be a lack of self- love, or codependence. Be careful here, in waiting mode. It is possible to keep your heart open while you keep living. “Moving on” isn’t about shutting down your feelings. It’s about living your life.
- Marriage is becoming a thing of the past. Why? I don’t know. There are probably a lot of reasons for the decline in marriages. When I consider the history of marriage, it looked like a survival mechanism. Expect more than survival for your life and don’t judge your love life on a “failed” marriage. People grow and sometimes, we grow in different directions. Be free. On the radio, I heard a hip-hop singer singing that staying with her husband meant that they were billionaires (and her reason for staying in the marriage). Money and ego first? I never saw this woman as someone who needed to be in survival mode. Let that fear/ego go. It will rot you.
- Avoid acting in anger against an ex. Remember that this person meant something to you, at some point. They have/had a place in your experience of life. That is significant because, you are significant. We are all significant and complex- all of us. Sometimes, we cause each other pain because we forget each other’s significance and complexities. Or, sometimes we forget our own significance and forget our own worth and say “Yes” too easily.
- Splitting up is a challenging process, for most people. Staying together because it is easy …well to each his own…but what could you be doing, a year from now?
At the end of your life, have memories of being and acting in truth or love. Let your warrior spirit be known. Let you be born, now.