We have a habit of putting a lot of mental energy into, everything. At some point, most of us will have had some reoccurring thought, worry or, concern keeping us up in the night-concerning our kids and us.
This parenting thing is so personal and, I have seen it play out with too much mental energy in three main ways, for parents facing particular challenges with their kids.
- There is a power struggle with the child.
- There is a power struggle with another person, concerning the child.
- The parent has her own power struggle.
It’s personal. Raising kids. It also involves our heart. I get it.
Power Struggles with a child.
Can I ask you a question? Just you and me, now. Nothing leaves this room (or, I mean your head).
What is this really about?
Before I write anything more…I am on your side. This whole website is about being on Your side.
If your kid isn’t in harms way then, what is this power struggle about, really?
Will good grades guarantee happiness? Will lots of money guarantee true love? Is it always a big deal if someone doesn’t like our kids or something they do…?
By having had the listening role, in the therapy room, I know that a lot of us see our kids as a direct reflection of ourselves. So, we try to give them our tools and the things we learned. As a kid, I knew that I was having my own experience separate from my parents. I knew that I didn’t see everything as they did and I knew that I interpreted the world around me, different.
For a long time, I was a child who felt as light as a feather, even with heavy stuff all around me. I hadn’t learned to consider what everyone else might think. Sometimes, things were brought to my attention, by my parents. Here’s a simple example from my childhood–At the time, I was 9. There was a girl who came around a lot. We played a lot but we were two different kinds of girls. We never did the things I wanted to do.
So one day, I realize I can say ‘no’ to her. She wanted to play but she liked playing with the boys. Sports. Not my thing. Also, I was not boy crazy. But, I knew this girl was tomboyish and she liked boys a little bit more than me. Anyway, I had hurt this girl’s feelings because, I said I didn’t want to play.
I actually remember thinking, “I didn’t give her a hurt feeling. What am I supposed to do with her feelings?” When I did learn that other people might have an opinion of me, I leaned to overly consider other people. So, I did what a lot of us learn to do. I took things personal and began trying to do the *right* thing. I’ve written about this before…because I’m not alone with this old need to satisfy other people, in one way or another. And, it is rooted so deep that many of us don’t even realize it, when it is happening…
I truly don’t want to trigger anyone but, many times we do look to satisfy other peoples’ expectations by having our kids perform, live, or behave in a certain way. This pattern is something that can be deeply rooted and not obvious to the parent. Most parents resist the idea that their kids are groomed to satisfy social norms, until they begin to look at their actions and words. It’s not something that is done with malicious intent. It’s just that saying to you child, “I only want you to be happy,” seems less truthful. Aspects of our society are broken. We all know it. Some social norms could change.
As one of your kid’s biggest advocates, I say, ignore anyone who has issues with your child’s truth. It’s not all about being a varsity player or, being neat and tidy or, being very likely to have lots of money (besides, we don’t even know what to do with money before we begin to evolve).
And, it’s not all about grades. It’s just not…
There are times when we just have to trust that our kids can find their own way.
Sure, we are teaching as parents but, so much of what we teach is in the abstract- the stuff based on individual perception. If we don’t trust ourselves as teachers, we can over emphasize things. We can put too much of us, onto our kids.
So, what to do?
Practice remembering that our kids are having their own experiences. Practice remembering that they are also practicing how to be their own individual selves. Protect their fresh sight. If you don’t already talk to them about having empathy, talk with them about empathy while staying true to their selves. It’s okay to be different, say no, and to have boundaries along with compassion.
As my lion cub told me during breakfast, “mom, you are free without a costume.”
No truer words…
When there is a power struggle with another person, concerning a child
First, I’m not picking on you. It’s just there is nothing you, nor I can do about someone else. You and I can only control ourselves. Period. So, this part is about us. Not them.
I know that some parents inadvertently put their childhood experiences onto their child’s experiences. I’ve had to deal with this too. I think it’s fair to say that most of us do put a lot of our experiences onto our kids. It’s easy to do this, if you aren’t paying attention…
Someone I know, said:
“My aunt didn’t keep me as much as she kept my sister. I know when someone is doing the same thing to my daughters.”
Can I be direct? Sometimes, it’s hard to be around that vibe. Sometimes, children are alienated but, not because they aren’t loved in the same amounts…sometimes, it’s because of a wounded parent and a long ago misunderstanding or injustice…sometimes, it’s more about avoiding the parent and being tired of “walking on eggshells.” I’ve also seen that some children speak out more so, they get more time around certain people. While quieter kids may not inherently get the same attention. Does this make sense? I just mean a kid’s personality may cut through the b.s. of the adults…or, not…
More than once, I’ve been a part of the dialogue on both sides and I’ve seen it- “I know her and I don’t see eye to eye with her but, why can’t she spend time with her grandson?” And, “ I miss my grandson but, I can’t do anything right by his mom. I just try to stay away. I know she thinks I favor my other grandkids.”
Baggage between people keeps cycling… and really it’s the child who didn’t have say in the matter but, is stuck between at least two people.
And so now, a new child learns and carries the same baggage…honestly, I hear and see it play out too much of the time.
So what is a step to take?
- Notice how you feel around the person that triggers you? Take a minute to breathe and clear your mind.
- Notice if you are already anticipating an argument.
- Have you really talked with this person or do you just *know* how it is with this person? Have you asked the right questions or, said what is really on your mind, in your heart?
- Are you listening too much to other people?
- Are you allowing your child to have space with this person?
- Is it possible that you are overthinking?
- Be decisive. Is it necessary to cut someone out or not? Yes? Be swift and make it a clean cut. No? Heal this relationship by getting out of the past- it’s gone and only lives in our heads. Don’t stay stuck in the drama and definitely not in anything that is unhealthy or harmful.
- Remember, that people need space to be who they are…we don’t have to agree with each other, all of the time. So what, it’s about give and take. Besides, you might be surprised by the wisdom that can come from the most unlikely of people.
- Involve the kids more. Ask them for their opinion. Go from there. Be careful here. Kids have a way of wanting to protect the parent they secretly see as vulnerable- Are you that parent? You might be surprised…I’m saying this as a friend…Observe your kid’s truth and talk about it on whatever level you can speak to them. Don’t be needy about it, though. Neediness is like kid repellent and, at the same time puts a parent in the “needs to be protected from the truth” category. As a child, didn’t you handle some adults differently, too?
Lastly, a parent’s own inner power struggle
Our thoughts can be hard to break free from and we may have thoughts concerning:
Head vs. heart or,
Doing what feels right vs. what we think people expect or,
Our fears vs. our desires
Our kids do see the contradictions of us. They may not have the words to describe what they see but, they experience it.
“You deserve more than I had.”
“I wish I could have your opportunities!”
“You can do anything. You can be anything. It was different for me.”
“Be happy because you don’t want this miserable life that I know!” (in the background is hell playing out, but “Be happy because it’s real somewhere oooouuutttt there.)
On so many levels, kids are presented with contradictions.
We are the example, whether we like it or not. What so many of our kids know, is that we deserve what they deserve. We all deserve what we want.
Some of us are our own worst enemies. We battle ourselves. On some level, some of us fail to see our worth. We can’t see an open door or window. Or, if a choice had to be made then, we might as well be the one to have less, somehow.
We may even think the world is against us. In my experience, that is a direct reflection of what we actually feel for ourselves.
I know that the world in not fair. There are many injustices. There may also be moments when we went into battle before any war had even started. We expected it so, we created it. We are all creating, together.
Creating can start in an expression, in our tone, by getting enough rest…or, it can start with taking time to take care of our bodies, eating better, taking times to hone a craft, and by choosing to not be resentful but rather, seizing the opportunities you get…
What are your thoughts like?
Sometimes, there is nothing left to do but to make that last minute and unexpected left turn, in life.
Get out of your head and back into your life.
In my own life, I did some of my own biggest favors by saying, “SCREW IT” And just jumping right into something. I used my intuition and cut out anything I thought might be faulty- like some of my patterns or thoughts.
Here’s something you can ask yourself, in most any situation.
“What will I regret more, at the end of my life? Trying and failing or Not trying and never knowing how it could have been?“
Personally, I have never regretted making a sudden turn. It was always the right thing, for me.
Forget the regret, expectations, sadness or, some limiting idea of perfection. Think about what gets your blood pumping? What takes you instantly to a happier places (no drugs, alcohol required)? Yeah sure, there may be some anxiety anytime you take a leap. That’s normal and to be expected but, it’s an instant cycle change. Leaping towards the heart is a game changer. I know this won’t resonate with everyone but, this site is written by someone who leaps and if you resonate with what you read then, you are a person who leaps too.
Sometimes, it’s our last tool on this hamster wheel. Jump off with me, ready? Go.
Ok, let’s bring it back to parenting.
Parenting has been made too personal…that’s my main point.
You are still a person; your kids are their own people. All of us still have to LIVE. The opposite of that isn’t parenting in a truer way. Act to get out of your mind. That has been one of my secrets to breaking free of a broken record of a mind. If you have already done inner work, there can still be residual challenging thoughts. Level up through heart felt, inspired action. Our bodies were made for it. Think about when you feel good. What do you do? What are your dreams? Are there any baby steps you can do now? Or, is there a leap to take?
Teach leaping, not regret or stuckness (it should be a word) …
“I died as a mineral and became a plant.
I died as a plant and rose to animal.
I died as an animal and I was man.
Why should I fear?
When was I less by dying.”
-Rumi