As a teen, I had developed a strong interest in psychology and reading books I had “borrowed” from my dad’s shelves. I hid his old books in my closet…When I first saw these books, a whole new world had opened up to me. I was entranced. Along with religion, psychology had become a secret I needed to dive into. I couldn’t have put anything into words yet. I didn’t know what I was trying to understand, about us…people (and this hypnotizing thing called, religion).
This is how I became somewhat of an observer or, student in everyday life.
So, as a teen, I saw something I never forgot. It wasn’t the most profound thing but, it began to unravel my ideas about power, forcing something and, “winning.”
It was the way a therapist worked with a “troubled” teen. This teen was considered rebellious, aggressive, not a good student, hangs with the wrong crowd, into drugs, etc. He defined the idea of the troubled teen wreaking havoc on his family. This therapist was asking questions but, this teen refused to speak. This kid was completely shut down and wanted nothing to do with therapy. Normal.
This therapist responded in a way I had never seen any adult respond, in the 90’s.
This grown up, essentially let go of therapy. He said, “Ok, you have to be here, I have to be here, why don’t we at least play a game of checkers. Better than just sitting here looking at each other.”
What? This grown up was asking to play a game!
This grown up didn’t abuse or force his power. He didn’t pass more judgement. He didn’t even act like a grownup who knew the reputation of this kid.
This therapist and teen, were my first true teachers, with regards to well, so much… BTW, I’m not going to explain how I knew what was going on in the therapy room. It isn’t my business to say or to speak of such details. Besides, not all of us could have gotten far following every single rule…
So anyway, that’s how these appointments looked. This man and this boy playing checkers. Some parents would have been upset at the cost of playing games. This boy’s mom knew in her heart, something unseen was happening and, she was right.
Trust was being earned.
The more trust had been earned, the more the boy’s defenses eased up. It took time. This happened over months with patience and, when the teen boy felt ready. There was an ease to this…nothing forced.
Did the teen eventually start talking? Yes. The flood gates opened.
This experience became one of many and why I will never feel that anyone is a “lost” cause especially, a child. From what I have seen, most people are hurt and in need of a safe space, periodically, to just regroup or to experience some ease. Maybe they are even fortunate enough to have a safe person with whom to relax and speak or to express anger. A safe person is someone who may challenge beliefs without aggression, without a self- serving agenda, and is willing to just play a game or to simply chillax. This could be a grandparent, a step parent, an uncle, or, anyone who can allow some ease. This person is honest, trustworthy, and a person in a position to offer knowledge. We all have knowledge.
The lesson for my then kid self- 1) Trust is a language between two people. So, an “untrustworthy” teen is simply a person who hasn’t given or earned trust from you, yet and vice versa. Trust isn’t all about a reputation. Trust is personal. We forget this too much. This is in part, why celebrity endorsements work. 2) With people, nothing is as it seems. I mean some of the unruliest people are some of the most intelligent people full of depth and understanding. In this society, we have to stop judging people by the way they look. But, we still do, in so many ways.
Mannerisms can be harshly judged. Being refined doesn’t make a person better or kind. Refined mannerisms may be more about playing a game. On some level, don’t we all pick the mask we wear in everyday life and, what game we play?
I admit that I still make assumptions and somehow the universe sets me straight…everytime…
Recently, I had gotten lost and needed to stop in a mart that doesn’t actually sell walls. Not a typical place for me to stop. I had heard something that really surprised me. An employee said, “you know, I don’t think he is really the one in charge. I don’t think they ever are.” She was in a conversation, with someone else, about voting. I couldn’t believe it! I was in the middle of nowhere sleepy town. Well, I need to watch my own assumptions. Some sleepy towns are more awake than anyone could guess… I truly enjoyed hearing that conversation. It set me straight a little, too. Maybe we could all get over judging the individual who is elected. I mean what if it isn’t about a single man changing a whole nation, for us…I see much more to it…that second hand reputation is blinding us. Maybe these elected men are jerks, maybe not. Maybe its not even the point but, it is distracting…
Back to the what I was writing…
Silliness
I have mentioned that they boys were born lion cubs. Some of you know that lion cubs abhor silliness. True to my nature, I saw this as a challenge to take on. To this day, I still have bite marks and wonder how I gave birth to lion cubs!.
Silliness was a goal to reach with the boys because, I see silliness as a healthy coping mechanism.
Its true, that sometimes the only thing left is laughter.
So how did I make silliness a regular past time?
I randomly made funny faces at my sons, in random places. In the beginning, my oldest cub would say, “No. You are freaking me out!” Stop being crazy now, mom!” My youngest cub, refused to laugh or smile at me. He looked away and smiled. He tried very hard to keep his smile from turning up and in the process, he made his own funny face. It would make me laugh. It turns out that my youngest cub likes to make people laugh. It was a process but, it was worth it. My intention is that they learn that life isn’t that serious and that no matter where you are, you can laugh for a moment.
In my opinion, the element of spontaneity or randomness, really helps to open kids up. It helps to catch them off guard. TIP: Embarrassing them will take away trust and a bond between you. Its not really funny if it is at the cost of someone else.
How would your kids respond to silliness? Great! Do it. Do it! “Freak” them out!
We need to ease up and what a great thing to laugh more with our kids, with each other!
Communicating is how we break barriers. There is already too much reluctance with each other…too many secrets.
Lastly, I hope that if you stumble onto this site, that it helps you in some way. I hope that it is written in plain English with actual examples on how to apply ideas. The older I get, the more I feel that my privileges were never meant for just me. I am grateful for you and your life stories. Thank you for teaching me, too.
We keep a good vibe, you and me 🙂
