Talking to the boys about the darker side of life started with vehicles and a book. My sons love vehicles. If it has wheels or tracks, it is already on their radar. Recently, the boys were gifted a book on “how things work.” One of their favorite chapters is titled, “Machines of War.” These machines are vehicles, mainly. The boys are fascinated by these vehicles and their fascination led to curiosity on the topic of war.
Avoiding the dark side of our human history isn’t in the best interest of our children. It isn’t in the best interest of this planet.
Further below the page are things to remember when talking about topics like, war and other tough issues, with kids.
“Mom, what are tanks?” “Why do they shoot?” Then, “What is war?” To make it even more challenging my oldest son can read exceptionally well, now. He happily reads to his younger brother and, to me.
As a mom, of these boys, I don’t have the luxury of sugar coating the actions and choices of our human population. It wasn’t the first time tough questions had been asked. Once again it had been my oldest son to ask about something he had seen. My son wanted to know about Jesus and why he is dead on the cross. I very much disagree with the depiction of a dead man on a torture device but, that doesn’t matter. That image is everywhere, anyway. If that depiction doesn’t border on something close to threatening or seem to promote a very dark message than, I don’t know what does…My point is kids see it all with pure eyes. As a little girl, I felt intimidated by the images in the Catholic churches. I didn’t like the crucifix and I didn’t like to see Jesus dead. Why do we want this hanging on the walls? Yes, I’ve heard it all but, there is still an undertone.
The questions our children ask are fair and, I think we do owe them some explanations. There is a lot of things and happenings on this planet that don’t make sense.
Allow the questions, breathe and remember that our parental answers can’t promote division or hate. We have to break cycles. Easy robotic answers aren’t a luxury we can afford, any longer. Oh, and I should mention that I don’t identify as Christian or religious- I want to be transparent with you on that…I do not see being religious as one and the same as being spiritual.
Okay, so below are possible things to remember and examples of what I have said, when answering tough questions concerning war, and other darker acts of humanity and, a little bit of my rambling. If you have lion cub kids, the darker topics will be a guaranteed topic of conversation…kids want to know things and they want to understand so, here goes…
- First, try to check your bias out of the answer. We may have opinions but, if our opinions contradict peace, kindness, acceptance, I promise your kids will notice that you sound confusing because, I know that a lot of you do say things like, “Be nice.” “Don’t hit.,” etc. Confusion or loss of clarity can easily set in . Enough people are confused, in life.
- Stay Honest.
- Avoid Sugar Coating your answers but, I think it is okay to keep answers short when children are very young.
- Try to exercise the ability to just give clear facts. For example: “Some people believed Jesus was a man who promoted kindness and acceptance. Other powerful men started believing that Jesus was attempting to take control over a group of people, when he began calling himself a king while also performing “blasphemous” acts. Supposedly, Jesus did a lot of things that angered or triggered other people.” “Some people believed that he was not behaving, gaining power and acting out against the religion and the men of his time.” I tried to include various written accounts of the crimes Jesus committed as well as accounts of his personality. When the boys asked how he died, I simply stated that he was beat until he was presumed dead. That wasn’t fun for me to say but, it was honest without all of the details, for now. Speaking about religion has inherently dark aspects to address. I remind the boys that it is up to them how they feel about thoughts on God, and Jesus or Mohammed, Krishna, Joseph Smith, the Dalai Lama or, philosophers like Confucius and Guatama Buddha. Can we remember women like Mother Theresa? What about the women? My main point is, to stay open and neutral. If I have learned anything on this planet, it is that few things are black or white and that many things have been rewritten or manipulated by man. Can religion be one of our first lessons in discernment?
- Meet your kid where he is able to understand and at his emotional maturity. The darkness in humanity can be overwhelming. Certain topics aren’t covered in a single day. In depth conversations happens over time.
- Reading books or watching videos can help explain the tough stuff. I would recommend previewing any video before you show your child. Read or flip through books first, as well. There is a lot of bias and excessive emotion or details in many books and videos. Personally, I don’t think we can teach discernment, if we tell kids what to feel or what to think. I simply try to relay information to the boys, or what people think of as facts.
- “Mom are there bad people who want to bomb us?” The boys hear a lot. Again, I am honest. I tell them that I don’t know. I tell them that I only hear things. I also talk to them about what I DO KNOW. I talk to them about human nature. I KNOW that some people still want to control and do whatever it takes to stay in control. I teach about human behavior. I know that many of you also know about human behavior. Take what you have learned and teach.
- “Mom why do some grown ups make war?” I answered like this, ” Some people make war because they want something or they want to force something to happen. War is a way to force people into doing something.” It is a broad simple statement but, my kids are still very young. I actually have many thoughts concerning war and what it is actually used for…but, it is too complicated for the boys. Plus, the patterns I see in politics (and war) go completely against what we are told in the media or taught in school.
- I teach the boys that no one can tell them what to think or believe. Ultimately, they will have to grow into men who Know what the truth is as they perceive it. “I ask my kids things like, “What do you think?” “What does it feel like?” It is okay to listen to our inner voice or, that niggling that won’t go away. In school, I was taught to ignore that feeling by a few profs. That wasn’t right for me. Can I say something triggering? Personally, my inner voice and discernment says that many historical figures like Jesus, never taught people to worship him/them (yet, some of us do). I think he taught leadership and empowerment for the individual. Could that have been true? If you believe that He was a man of love, kindness and equality why would he want anything less for You? In the stories, he seemed to be standing with people as he spoke about who he was. For me, it is about being grateful but, not to lose our own empowerment. We are all Queens and Kings who can all radiate hearts of passion. We are all great with great potential. For me, that is the example. Not to wear crucifixion devices as necklaces- sorry, I just don’t get that…physical death isn’t what it’s about…I know people repeat what the bible says, “He died for our sins.” I think the lesson is that he died because of unconscious beings who didn’t unite or rise above. The population of people chose to go along with the group of men who already had laws in place. I don’t think accountability or karma was removed from the lesson because, he supposedly “died for our sins.” And no, I don’t think life is about hell or punishment either. I just think ancient words have been misunderstood. Let’s try to remember that our languages change, over time…plus, just maybe ancient texts have been…altered…because patterns in human nature…just a crazy thought…
- Expanding our kids’ hearts and teaching empathy is important. It is normal for kids to have a difficult time empathizing with people until, explanations are made a tiny touch personal. Empathy can be normal but, for kids who have been removed from hardship or who are sheltered, empathy may not be a typical practice. Most American kids have never seen the implications of something like war. It is something that happens in other places. So for example, while speaking about war, the boys were speaking about the death of people and children very nonchalantly. I mean I could hear that they didn’t fully understand nor seem interested in even trying to empathize. I said, “Boys, sometimes children see their mommies and daddies die.” “No one may take care of them, anymore.” They quieted but, they weren’t quite… there. So I said, “Boys what if you saw mommy die?” My youngest boy looked at my quick and with the understanding in his eyes. My oldest ran across the room and hugged me while burying his face in the lower softer part just under my shoulder. They got it. Sometimes, our children understand with their hearts not, with their heads. My youngest child said, “Mom I want to make those tanks shoot soft cotton candy for those kids to eat and, I want to make silly faces at them so they can laugh. That’s how the conversation ended, with funny faces.
- Try to end a deep topic with some kind of lightness or even a small resolution. Maybe something like community service or a desire to learn about a new culture can happen. Try a food you wouldn’t normally eat, from a different culture. Why? Knowledge and acceptance are doors to peace. Food can be an easy bridge to introducing ourselves (or just smiling) to a new group of people- maybe this happens at a restaurant serving middle eastern food. Baby steps. Learning to do things in a new way can be empowering.
- Avoid judgment if your kids say something unexpected. Talk things out calmly. Hear them out so that they see how to hear out other people, peacefully. Read between the lines. Sometimes, kids experience a difficult situation with people at school. They learn how to generalize a whole group of people. Some historians have written that racism was taught to create division among previously united black slaves and white servants.
- Sometimes, I have to remind my sons that if someone is being mean and we choose to be mean back at that person then, meanness keeps happening. If you want kindness, you have to do the hard thing and be kind, first. That makes things different. Otherwise, everyone is acting the same mean way. This is applicable to many situations, in life. To change anything, someone like you, has to be willing to do the first step in being different. I know so many of you are already doing this…I know it isn’t always easy. I know but, WE are brave and completely capable.
- Defending yourself doesn’t mean you hit first. Sometimes, you have to do the hard thing and walk away despite the criticisms. Defending yourself may mean staying three steps ahead of the people who would do you harm. Remember that there is no shame in talking to a trusted uncle or dad or, whoever. If you are forced to physically defend yourself or someone you care about then, stay in control and aware of how you are affecting the other person. I can already hear my sons say something like, “I’ll punch anyone who hurts____(someone they love).” We all feel anger or sadness or frustration but, if we don’t learn self mastery by balancing our emotions and staying clear then, we are the same as the people who hurt us. Try to remember that most people already act from a place of pain or anger or fear. I can’t remember who said it first but, I’m remembering a quote I heard, “When we kill someone, we take away their potential (for actualization).” I don’t know why I just thought of that but, I thought I would share it in case you haven’t heard it. Ultimately, we are all on the same side. It just takes time. Let’s not hurt our team. We are getting there. Guide your teammates as they grow, if you can. We can teach our kids to do this, as well.
- Admit feeling unsure or unclear or admit to not having enough information. It’s okay to learn with our kids. On some level, I think that gives a message of equality and helps to create a bond. Parents and guardians are teachers but, we are also students.
- Sometimes it helps to do something while talking about difficult things. Somehow it makes the conversation less tense. Go for a walk, rake the leaves, cook, eat, do your hair or whatever you enjoy.
I hope this helps and remember conversations don’t have to be smooth and planned. Besides, talking about certain things happens over a span of time.