What if we are trying to learn how to identify less with out actions but, we were harmful with our actions or words…like someone was profoundly impacted because of us?
This sounds like regret. Or, like someone wanting closure? Doesn’t it?
I didn’t plan on writing more on this topic but, I had this nagging thought that wouldn’t go away. It didn’t come from an email or a conversation. It was just a constant nagging thought. I mean I won’t be able to sleep tonight if I don’t finish this…
So, lets get into it.
Lots of people live with regret. Usually, with age, a person begins to see clearer. He or she begins to realize the various perspectives and/or pain of everyone involved in whatever situation. Don’t keep that pain or regret or sadness stagnant within you- is the first thing I want to say… work to get that purged out of you.
And I know it’s hard not to identify with the junk we wish we had not done or, been a part of…
What to do to get out of the heavy vibe like say, regret?
There are at least two possible ways to handle regret or, even a lack of closure.
1) Give Clarity
How?
Words can’t undue our actions but, they still have a lot of value. They show that we may understand the gravity of whatever took place. Words can also set things into MOTION to build up a favorable momentum.
Words like:
“I apologize.”
“I didn’t realize your perspective.”
“There were things I didn’t tell you.”
Acknowledge and accept that words are only the beginning to expressing your understanding of how your actions impacted someone. Saying something like this, can help the other person to see that you do Possibly get “it”. That can help the other person to stay quiet or still, long enough to hear your words.
Be open, listen and be thoughtfully responsive. You have had time to prepare for this conversation. The other person may be surprised and, caught off guard.
I see that so many people don’t talk enough to each other…that clarity and closure never happens, for some people. I have also heard people say things like, “I forgave him years ago. I never told him. He got sick…passed.” It’s around this moment that a person tears up and can’t speak.
This kind of stuff kills a piece of me, everytime.
It’s like what we crave, is each other’s understanding of the situation…like somehow we know that to begin to heal, we can face one another, for peace.
Something on the topic of Love
Have you ever felt love for someone, you hurt?
I don’t mean that shallow conditional “love.”
I mean love…that unconditional stuff.
A person who truly loves you, sees YOU. A person will discern your behavior from your words but, will always know you are separate from your actions.
A mother knows this about her children.
A person who feels true love for a lover, know this.
A lot of siblings know this about each other, as well.
This is why we ask, “how could he do this? This isn’t him.” When we love someone, we see a person in a different way. We see how they are with us and to us but, that isn’t necessarily the “fake” version of the person.
Pain, confusion and, lack of clarity can cause us to forget that unconditional love can’t stop existing…no matter what.
If it is right for your situation, reach out to whoever it is you are thinking about. Say what is in your heart.
As you know, there are no guaranteed outcomes where everyone acts like nothing ever happened… I am saying there is hope, with love. And, living with closure is far easier than wondering what might have been…
2) Now, for the other way to handle regret…like when there is no one to heal with…Sometimes, people can’t forgive us or, the situation involves a deceased person…either way …someone is left to find a way to heal on her own…
What can she or he do?
First, if this describes you and you are reading this and you aren’t numbing long enough to read on this topic, that is freaking awesome! It takes strength to even think about how to heal on your own. Truly.
Facing our shadowy side is one of the hardest things to do and, that action deserves to be recognized for what it is- a force to be reckoned with, a super power. I really mean all of that- don’t laugh at what I wrote! Ok, laugh, I like it when you do. It makes me laugh too.
You are someone on the cusp of deep change that often leads people to have profound transformation. You should love this about you.
Find a healthy way to deal with the pain– work out, write, make furniture, cook, paint, travel (getting out of our environment can do wonders). Talk to someone you trust. Practice a hobby- the point is to practice making your activity the habit. You don’t have to be jumping up and down with excitement, just yet. Meet people with the same hobby. Forget drinking or, if your habit is drinking…talk to someone about it or, go to the meeting- you know the one.
Service to other people can also heal. We can do so many random things for our community. A lot of people do things through a church. Or, they find groups of people with similar interests, online.
If there is one thing you can do to make a small change, what would it be? Is there a law that needs to change, an organization that needs help, a kid who needs guidance? What can you do? Helping other people, helps to heal pain.
Don’t stay stagnant, in your home, breathing the same air- it’s not always a good thing, for a long period of time. At least, take a walk. Don’t forget to check the mail. If you were my son or daughter, I would remind you to smile and, to say hi to a passerby…a good practice. You have such a beautiful smile…and those eyes twinkle when you smile- you know it’s true!
Right now, someone may be thinking (probably that same person who sent that nagging feeling my way), “Erica, I’m not depressed.”
Maybe you’re not. Or, maybe a feeling of regret or sadness has a way of lowering our mood overall, over time. Low feelings have a way of festering inside us. Sometimes, people change without realizing how different they have become…so, while I don’t mean to discuss depression, it is a valid topic to consider during prolonged pain and healing. Depression is normal, at least in the U.S. We don’t always have to be Up with our feelings but, when we are down we benefit from keeping tabs on those low feelings.
And in case you’re wondering, you are still Not your actions or your emotions.
All of us deal with cause and effect, daily. It’s just that most of us never see how we impact our surroundings so, we don’t default to identify in cause and effect unless it is in our face, at some point.
Then, we add more ways to how we identify, in the world. Let me add something, many of us have moments in our life when we acted …off. The last few years of my twenties, were a little insane. I watched people close to me, also have their… moments. We are lucky if we don’t deeply impact people during those off moments. This is in part, why life can be so hard. Most of us do finally act out or make certain thoughtless choices at some point. (and while people stand around judging like they are impervious to short circuits from the heaviness of life…something that only adds to the rough times.)
We all mess up sometimes. And yeah, some of us will have more serious consequences to our actions.
But that doesn’t mean you are bad or, that everyone else is better. Life has too many variables for that kind of thinking.
It’s not about people being good or bad. People make choices based on so many variables, for the moment they are in. There are spiritual leaders who say that we are set to take on the low positions in life to cause personal growth…old soul work, on the planet. How can a person be triggered into introspection when life is easy? Introspection happens from a heavy reason, usually. And, a desire to stop pain.
Oh and the spiritual “leader” I’m thinking about now…well…I’ve seen him in person and even he acts like a person with mood swings. Be careful with idealizing anyone. We are all people. Mood swings happen and so does the feeling of regret.
You are not your actions. You are an individual who has made choices. What will your next choice be? What if we made choices to help neutralize past choices?
Remember something-Neither your mind nor heart is at the mercy of someone else, who has chosen not to forgive.