Many times, I see that people remember an idealistic family situation rather than, the actual history people have with each other.
I didn’t want to publish this post online because, it sounded so obvious but I kept hearing the same things. Then, I figured it out…hope was being confused for something else…This post dives into having hope and being….I don’t know the sensitive word for delusional….hope and delusion are not the same…it’s like idealism vs. current momentum (what our energy actually created, together).Further below, is my response to some of you. At the bottom, I will wrap this post up with some questions to consider. I will also add an email from, Claire M. I like what you wrote. I do have something to say about it.
As we begin to reemerge from the event of last year, a common familial theme presents itself. I’ll start with some of the things I have heard.
“Erica, It will be so great for him and I to be able to spend this time together. I mean with everything shutting down. We have this extra time to know each other, better. ”
And,
“We need to get back to the basics. Now, that I am working from home I can be more involved. I know that after all of these years, my kids want me around, now.”
And,
“When something like a pandemic happens, it helps you to see what matters most.”
And now,
The countless happy plans on suprising people with visits… even when there is a history of surprise visits that went terribly wrong, in the past.
Pandemics, babies, natural disasters, tragedies, deaths, never rewrite hurt, or change patterns. Healing is an INTERNAL process and I am not aware of any shortcuts, in life. Forgetting or rather, overlooking patterns and cycles, tends to preserve undesirable tendencies and habits. External events don’t really wipe slates clean. They might change the game a bit, but external events don’t necessarily heal people or dynamics between people.
Pandemics aren’t sent from the “heavens” as a miracle tool. I’m not writing this to be insensitive . I want for us all to simply remember what we learn. Last year may have only just been the beginning of a whole new chess game, on Earth. Some of you know what I’m talking about…
So, what’s my response to your sadness.
I feel sad about some things, too. I know better, but one person still ropes me into situations too. I should have seen what was right in front of me.
PROOF of momentum
If you are roping yourself into things, start practicing different reactions, practice seeing what is happening right in front of you and, expecting proof . What do I mean by “proof?” What do you know about your family and friendship dynamics and what is the evidence that supports the beliefs you have. Let me give you a shortened example.
I knew this man from a long time ago. He used to tell me about how close he was to his uncle. We’ll call this man “L”
L: “We spent every summer at his house. He’d invited us to stay at his home and go hunting. I felt like a son and I know he would want me to have those rifles”. His uncle had died due to old age, twenty years ago. L had taken rifles out of his uncle’s house, while no one was there to object. His cousins had begun to question L about the missing rifles. He had admitted to taking the guns but had been reluctant to give his cousins the rifles. L teared up and I knew that whatever he truly believed, that there was genuine sadness. The tears were real, thick and didn’t easily stop flowing. I remember how uncomfortable this man looked. We had similar conversations, previously. I knew that this man wasn’t ill in any clinical way.
I said, “You must have many special memories with your uncle. Did he tell you he wanted you to take his rifles?” I saw an immediate response in this man’s eyes. It was such a simple question and yet he had not been prepared for that question. I don’t think he was prepared for his thought process, concerning these guns. I asked him this simple question to help this man establish proof for his version of the past. Because, his version of the past had created friction and was creating anger and sadness. This man’s childhood had been rough and he had learned to take what he wanted, in life. Rather than to heal, or to create a better life from what he had been given, he had learned to “take matters into his own hands.”
He said, “You have to find a way to get the upper hand and to be many steps ahead. I have always had to find a way to control the situation.”
I don’t actually think this man was trying to hurt people. I do think this man needed his version of the past. We all want to feel special to someone. The trouble is that sometimes, it leads to delusions. This man didn’t have a strong relationship with his uncle. He wanted a father figure and he created one.
Believe it or not, control, is at the root of so many common dynamics between people.
What do I mean?
I mean when I help someone breakdown the reason for their actions and feelings, it goes something like this:
“We should be married by now! Doesn’t he love me! I am going to tell him we are done if he doesn’t marry me! I need to know he’ s never leaving me. But if he does, I still have something to fight for. He’ll know it too.” (can we finally admit that this isn’t love? Marriage isn’t inherently love and threatening someone with a nasty divorce isn’t more evolved than adultery. It’s all old and part of an outdated way.)
“I love my wife. I spend a lot of time with her family. It’s easier if I call my mom on the way to my wife’s family. I’ve learned to see her perspective. Besides, I don’t want another divorce. I hate telling my family I won’t be around for the holidays but, I hate fighting with my wife. I don’t even see my friends. I cancel a lot.” (can you imagine if a man kept his wife at home or only around his family? Wouldn’t that be obvious abuse? Yet, I’ve seen so many women get away with the exact same behavior displayed toward their partners. Is that the way to raise up the female gender? It’s like saying, “Ok ladies, now it’s your turn to be power hungry, abusive, self righteous people. You earned it!) Cycles. Cycles don’t end when we simply decide we will take turns being the monsters. I could write so much just on patterns and cycles which is also related to a more accurate concept of “time” which is also something I could write about. Don’t believe the b.s. stuff on clock-time. And yes, the past, present and future are happening at once , and not, but it is so much more simple than some physicists would want you to think. Sorry, I veered off topic…
“As long as my kids go to my alma mater, I’ll pay for everything. I’ll be so happy when I see them in my old footsteps.” We should be protecting our kids and teaching our kids to know who THEY are. It has never been our children’s job to replay our lives! Between you and I, I don’t even want to replay my own life.
“I just want my son to make me happy. He knows I love him.” Countless times, a kid has said something like, “I know my parents love me even though they don’t even know anything about me. I wish I could do what I like.” The whole time I can see a questioning expression on these kids faces…like they are processing how someone can love you if they don’t know you. The feeling of uncertainty is pulpable even if the words have not been spoken.
” I have to do a lot at home. He works so, I take care of the home.” Have any of you ever stayed at home? It’s a LOT of work. When a person works outside of the house, he has designated work hours and allowance for rest, vacation. He is around other people. If you work at home, what are your hours like? Who cooks for you? Who do the kids go to for help? I could go on with this but, my point is a person who stays at home is still entitled to a life with fair contributions made by everyone in the house. Everyone should be expected to contribute to the household duties. Everyone needs rest. Everyone should be respected. Even today, many people speak as though stay at home parents/ partners do nothing. That is not inherently true. In fact, that can be so untrue that a stay at mom loses who she is to meet everyone else’s needs. A stay at home dad may lose who he is or, even be emasculated. Don’t let money control fairness.
I am not a religious person but, I very much enjoy clips of religion. One clip is a quote from Reinhold Niebuhr. It was turned into the Serenity Prayer. People rarely credit him. His words were wise. I remember his words when I have to tell myself to let go of something that is not working. “Don’t try to control this Erica, no. Not your fight.”
“Father, give us courage to change what must be altered, serenity to accept what cannot be helped, and the insight to know the one from the other.” – Niebuhr
Remember that having hope and being delusional are not the same thing. I know you know that but sometimes, we forget the proof.
If something needed to end then, I hope it did. I hope that the ending of something unfair or controlling leads to your true happiness. I hope that an old thread of false hope snapped and that it set you free into infinite golden light. I hope all threats lost power over you.
Forced shutdowns can lead to a reboot.
Why do some people choose the delusion?
It’s not because they are confused about the family dynamics. In my time working with people, I’ve seen that most people do know what the truth of the situation is. However, some people lend the…courtesy… of letting other people behave a certain way. Enabling. Enabling a person to behave a certain way is like saying, ” I know you aren’t capable of more.” Does this help or hurt a person? Are individuals “owed” enabling? I ask this because, this is what I see occurring. “You know she had a horrible childhood so, I just want her to know I love her. I do what she feels she needs from me because, I should have been around more.”
On the contrary, I know of a man who didn’t see his mother on her deathbed because she continued to rewrite the past. Lies. “I didn’t go see her. She had resolved everything in her head but, none of it was true. What she told herself and everyone. I couldn’t do it.”
Some people can sit with delusion. Some of us can’t. Lies are unfair, painful, and cheat the process of healing and personal growth. This man was unable to enable lies. Some of us are put into a situation where the only thing left is to let people be in delusion, as we leave the dynamic and cycle. It may seem cruel to not let a dying woman have her delusion in peace and alongside her children. In actuality, it takes an incredible amount of strength to walk away from someone who is loved AND the source for so much pain.
PROOF ISN’T JUST ABOUT FAMILIES AND RELATIONSHIPS
Seeing and watching for proof is a whole practice and a small part of discernment.
So, let me apply it in another way and off the topic of our families.
How much do you know about who is in the office? No, not the show! You know the…office…the position that old white men get (with a single exception), in the U.S. The one we have now, has a reputation for…um…look him up. I mean get curious. This hushed thing has been on the grapevine since before I was born. Look, just get curious. The ritual we have of blindly “casting” every four years is…an interesting one.
Why did I say blindly? Oh, so you do know a bit about these people, based on YOUR OWN EXTENSIVE research? Good then! I don’t think that’s true for most of the population. Some of these men would never have had a chance, if people were more curious about the individuals to whom we assign power.
Hope is a beautiful thing. Unless, it completely ignores the established momentum and/or falsely rewrites a person’s demonstrated character. Is that being a part of change or a part of the problem?
I diverted a little but, not really. It’s a part of the bigger picture and still a part of the unrecognized , unhealed details…because it is all connected. Healing the details in our private lives eventually bleeds out the bigger social challenges. It’s all connected.
False story lines and delusions are not the same as having hope.
REMEMBER THESE BITS...
If a person has an addiction before and during a hardship, this person will probably have an addiction after a hardship. Keep in mind, people with addictions can be delusional. After a certain point, a person with an addiction isn’t working from the same reality as you. Addiction biologically changes a person’s natural chemicals. Chemicals in our bodies impact perspectives. This sounds obvious and yet…we forget, some of us. And yes, people with addictions and/ or mental challenges and disorders do know that they have a problem or challenges to work on. Accountability is still a thing for them, too.
Another tidbit…
If a person has “never been a loving supportive grandparent” to all grandkids equally, this person isn’t going to be baking cookies equally to all grandkids after a pandemic, either. I wouldn’t suggest shoving “the least favorite” grandkids out there to grandma, letting them experience rejection then, asking how she could be so cruel to innocent kids? Protect your kids from the b.s., instead of pushing them in front of closed, ice cold, steel doors. If a relationship only causes pain, you don’t need it and the kids don’t need it either. It’s completely delusional to expect a different outcome! By the way, I’m not bashing grandma (or the parents). I have absolutely no understanding of the way this grandparent makes decisions. From what I know, there is simply nothing more to be done. I don’t know all sides of the story. I do have one more thing to add. If a grandparent has unresolved issues with an in-law, she may not be eager to be around the young children who are close to that in- law. Why? Wait, do you really want to know? It’s not an easy answer. How well can you expect the relationship between grandma and the in-law’s kids to be? Strong emotions, sensitivities, triggers, the potential for miscommunication, faulty perceptions, saddness, whispers, gossip….Sometimes, adults mess up the dynamics for the children. Because BOUNDARIES, ACCOUNTABILITY, RECIPROCITY, can be completely forgotten by the adults. Unresolved anger and pain do more to destroy than to heal…it would be easy to say that the in-law’s kids are not received while everyone else is the “favorite.” Yet, it’s not that simple. It’s just not. Nope.
However, favoritism between parents, grandparents, kids and grandkids is so unbelievably common. So unfortunate when it doesn’t heal because it is really painful and does a lot of damage. I put this in for “T.” It’s not just something you experience. From what I have seen, its more common than not, in families. Try to trust me on this. I know it doesn’t make it better. The only thing we can do is to cut ties and make sure that we don’t keep that cycle alive. Let the idea, that some kids are better, finally die. Let it go with the previous generations.
Change can happen but not because we forget about history or because we chose the delusion game or because of a pandemic. People and situations change because everyone involve did the work.
QUESTIONS TO CONSIDER
Do you have a tendency to react from ideals or, from what has previously been demonstrated?
If you react from your ideals and/or assumptions, what is your basis for doing so?
What does reciprocity look like in you family dynamics and friendships? What do you give in these dynamics? What do you take or expect? It is important to remember that we don’t all have the same support system or resources?
Is what you want, good enough for you? What if it were your kids coming to you about a similar situation? What would you tell them? I’ve asked this before, in another post. What we ask for ourselves is often very different from what we hope our kids will experience. Everyone deserves happiness.
How much do your emotions determine your decisions? In marketing, emotions are a huge part of “being relatable.” It’s a whole thing, too much for now. Don’t be played. It’s not a good look because, I know that many of you can call b.s. like no one else.
Sometimes, we make decisions based on who we think a person can become. “I believe she will change. I believe she will love me one day. So, I do things to remind her, of me.” Here’s the question, how often was someone able to convince you, to truly love them? I’m not talking about matters of convenience. I’m talking only about real love. Maybe, it isn’t actually love we are chasing…
Is there a new challenge happening in your life? Often, new challenges are similar to old challenges and old events. What were the takeaways from the past events? How can you apply what you already learned and/or experienced, to what is happening now?
What are your triggers, trigger words, trigger EMOTIONS? I bet I could tell you a few of your own. (Assuming to know you, is that a trigger?) There’s research on it…Triggers are still like kryptonite, the achilles heel, for the masses. Don’t let anyone turn you into a tool. So much out there is just b.s. There are days I can smell it. Recognize when someone is trying to toy with your sensitivities and feelings(Toying with someone can very easily be done with the sense of touch. If someone is trying to charm you or to convince you of something, don’t let them touch you. You’d be surprised by what that can do). I had someone respond to this question with, “You are like a trigger to me. I don’t care for everything you go on about. I don’t like how you talk about not voting. You trigger the hell out of me. Who are you anyway, I think you have an agenda? You purposefully make your comment part broken.” That’s completely fair. To answer you, no one and yes, yes.
AN EMAIL I WANT TO SHARE
Some of you saw that this was posted earlier. I took it down because I needed to work on it a little longer. I had rushed to write this in a tiny amount of available time. I didn’t major in English or anything similar and sometimes it shows a little too much.
“Hi Ms. Erica Bogan. There is no difference between hope and delusion. Hope is when things work out. Delusion is when things didn’t work out.” Claire M.
Claire, when I saw what you wrote it made me giddy. I love it actually. There’s a part of me that thinks this single thought could be turned into something more. However, I don’t agree with your statement. There are tiny details to hope that are often overlooked. I’ve touched on this in previous posts.
Delusion has no basis or connected momentum from which to work. Bear with me. Do you mind if I start with an experience I had with someone? Great, thanks! I heard a man with schizophrenia speak once. This was the first time I had ever seen anyone with this particular type of schizophrenia. I was much younger and I had not really been prepared for the experience. Let me try to put the experience into words. (Working in mental health is more of an experience. Words do so little.)
I was observing a man who was speaking passionately to someone on a phone.
The man : “I need to call mom. The princess . Yeah she sits high on the from. No shampoo bottles yes exit. We walk on the other rain over bees. He will be marrying soon, by right goes. Soon.”
He became very upset. His eyes had teared. He meant what he said and by no means did it look like he was speaking in metaphors. I actually considered that… The energy in his words did a lot but not what he had wanted. I’m not going into his story. There was a lot.
For many of us, delusion often looks to power and control over a situation. Certain details with this man reflected that, as well. Delusion is almost dependent on taking control, even if only in a person’s mind. Most of us don’t have Schizophrenia but, many of us have our own sentences that don’t mesh with aspects of our world. We might as well be speaking in the same way as this man.
I know you are not a person with schizophrenia. I am using this example to make certain points easier to see. It’s easier to see things when we are not in the same box as someone else. We have a better view. Remember “L”? If L and his uncle had ever truly connected, delusion could have evolved into something else. However, the momentum in L’s life and the momentum in his uncle’s life never really became connected. L created something, internally but, no one worked to make it external. The uncle stayed oblivious or distant or whatever, to L’s wish for a connection.
Lets look at hope.
Hope is the exact opposite.
Like delusion, being hopeful also involves believing in something that doesn’t have a certain level of high probability. Why would we need hope if there was a high probability in something transpiring? However, hope also involves highly focused intention and that intention is highly involved in the aspects of a person’s life or in some situation. “I am intending on making this my last marriage. I notice her feelings. I do my share of housework. I do the things I didn’t think or know to do when I was 20, with my previous wives.” I’ve heard similar things from people, over the years.
Examples of Focused Intention
” I had always dreamed of being a concert pianist. I played everyday, at least eight hours a day. I considered where I worked and when I worked or, I worked to get the right job. I did this so that I could shape my day. I watched where certain people ate and I waited until I could get a job at the right cafe. I needed to find a way to talk with this musician. He was very influential. So anyway, I got a job where he ate and worked to establish a friendship with him. Long story short. I looked for every potentially open door and walked through regardless of how open that door was. Sometimes, I needed to I reshape my strategy. Now, I’m influential and I didn’t get like this doing nothing but dreaming or believing other people’s truths. I didn’t wait for the perfect moment, I made the moments that I needed . And I did that as a poor, stupid kid. But, I was hungry and I knew that I only wanted to play the piano.”
“I want to have a stronger friendship with my neighbors. I consider how I park, the loudness of my kids, where my dogs go. I don’t gossip about them, etc.
Being hopeful has an element of consideration. “I consider you because, I hope for a better relationship and I see that you consider me too.”
Hope involves action that reflects the focused intention and, what you do reflects your intentions. MIXED SIGNALS DON’T WORK. Intentions and actions must reflect each other to connect.
Hope respects freedom because taking control or participating in power struggles secretly demonstrates no hope. It can be a total waste of your energy that could have gone towards something more productive. Please note, that this is not about self defense or protecting your children. Those are different topics. I can almost hear some of you say “But, Erica, sometimes we do have to exert ourselves, for protection.” Yes, and that is something different… The concert musician didn’t try to take out a current professional pianist. He didn’t spread hateful gossip to get someone fired. He worked on himself. He establish friendships or dynamics.
Hope has a basis from which to work. Even crumbs of a basis count, here. Because sparks of hope that were backed by consistent energy ( from everyone involved) can absolutely be enough. This is especially true when it involves a group of people who are genuine and all care.
I keep getting the story of Hanukkah , in my mind. I don’t remember it well, I recall a story about a terrible situation, not having enough oil. I don’t want to get this wrong. So, I will just ask, does the story of Hanukkah give an example of hope? Is there an example of intentions being used, properly for hope?
The one last part of this has to do with the topic my atheist friends don’t usually care to speak about. “Erica I’m on board with you until you start with the spirit thing.” I have friends who have seen my refrigerator door open and gently close, a chair move on it’s own. But you ask any one of them what its about and… crickets. Don’t worry I’m sure there’s a perfectly illogical, I mean, logical explanation, for my friends. I mean at what point does a logical explanation actually become illogical? So, the last bit of hope involves the involvement from a different type of energy. Some of you feel better calling them ET (phone home). I think that might be fine. Spirits and humans are different species, so call them extra terrestrial, even though they seem to be terrestrial, too. Either way, there is definitely someone running interference, for “better” or “worse.” I actually have reasons to believe this…actual examples. (Some of the examples involve some of you.)
What do you think about this? Too much? I would love to go on about this particular topic… the influence of an outside source. Maybe for another day.
Sometimes, I think our deep inner thoughts or fears concerning death, may also influence our behavior.
P.s A known woman from the 6th century B.C., is in my thoughts a lot. An actual person. Very little is known of her life…Her name became known by somewhat of an accident. I didn’t know about her myself, until recently…. I felt so compelled to learn more about her. An actual woman known from a time when human history gave so little value to females. I noticed that even today, people seem to highlight her possible sexuality. She was so much more than her sexuality- as we all are.
“You may forget but let me tell you this: someone in another time will remember us…” -Sappho
Yes, obviously so.