Addiction. What is it? How has our culture responded to addiction? I hesitated to write on addiction and habits. People really protect one of the popular kids, alcohol. Why? He’s so rude.
Further below, I’ve linked two videos. Dr. Gabor Mate is a Canadian medical doctor. In these videos, he speaks about addiction and treatment.
Why do we numb ourselves, anyway? I mean, really?
Let me get something out of the way. No, I’m not trying to lecture anyone. No. I don’t want to take away your drinks and pot. I’m just fed up that the whole planet seems to be telling my boys to “Drink up, light up. Everyone’s doing it! You deserve it and it’s so cool!” It’s everywhere. The advertisements, the establishments, the “it’s fun and the way to chill”, or “party”, or “it’s how to be an adult” or… “it’s how to be a certain type of an adult.”
Lies.
It’s like the courtesy some of us give, isn’t given back to us. I don’t want other people’s choices in my face. And, I do think this pushiness, is in part, why this planet has a problem with addictions and being stuck in patterns, in general…
And no, not everyone drinks or does drug or smokes but, I almost look like a liar if people aren’t paying attention.
What if people no longer had a substance to “relax” with…what if they were brought to their brink. What if people were forced to make changes because they no longer had a night time cop out and, could no longer tolerate the remainder of their life because they were totally sober in an unfair, somewhat miserable set of circumstances (that they actually could do something about). I’m not angry.
I know everyone is happy… outwardly.
Can you even imagine what that would be like? If each individual considered her/his own real inner happiness and truth.
That’s why I think this planet needs to sober up and to begin to do the work.
Stuff I’ve heard in past sessions and in group sessions, and in my life:
“I know my limits and, I need a damn break. I’m not doing anything wrong. I don’t get mean.”
“You know it’s what we do at these events. It’s a part of the game.”
“I just need to relax.”
“One person was an alcoholic, in my family. I didn’t get the gene.”
This is NOT about “limits”. Or lack of character. It’s not even about genetics and yes, I know there are certain expectations in certain circles. This is all I ever hear people, even professionals, ramble on about, with regards to drugs (including alcohol).
This is truly about how we process pain, trauma, and how accessible norms for “relaxation” or “help” actually contribute to a growing problem on our globe.
Addiction and even habits are an allowance for delusion and pain to manifest over and over. It’s the pattern some of us know.
The insanity is that we act like these habits are ok, sometimes, for some people. Years ago now, when I was pregnant and at a dinner, a woman I knew well pulled me aside. She asked me how I avoided drinking when we all had to get together. She had avoided getting pregnant because she didn’t believe she could maintain her life, without drinking through certain events, dinners, gatherings- the networking things that were expected in our circle. I understood completely because I did hate attending certain functions too but, I had years of practicing how to tiresomely …um…stick my finger up at small talk. It was at this time that I began to think, “why am I doing what I hate?” Soon afterwards, I would become the consistent no-show. After a certain point, networking becomes, b.s. Networking or building bridges is super important for the younger group and for people who are just starting out but, once your personal stock goes up it is best to get out of habits. I think this is also good for health, in general. I know it may seem like I went off topic but, I didn’t. Did you get my point?
Before I get into the topic of Addiction, I want to talk a little more about why people drink, at all.
For the moment, I’m narrowing things down to alcohol. It is so invasive. People keep their heroin to themselves but the alcohol…
Is there anything else that we know is absolutely terrible for us to partake in, and that we accept as ok, sometimes? Probably too many things, right? It’s actually a habit, too. Accepting things, activities, jobs people, that we don’t like. Some of us believe or act as though nothing can ever change. We choose instead, to numb.
Guess what, there is new research out there. It will disappoint some of you. The is no healthy amount of ALCOHOL, for the body, ever. The healthy aspects of an alcoholic drink, isn’t the ALCOHOL. Also, the amount you have to drink to get healthy benefits is totally countered by the fact that a person drank high levels of a toxic substance, ALCOHOL. I mention this because there are people who believe there is a healthy amount of an alcoholic beverage, particularly wine. This is simply untrue. I wonder who started that rumor. Have you ever really looked at a person, who drinks regularly. Often, people look much older. There is a sluggish way about their body. The way they move is different. Their face is different- some get a kind of puffiness in the skin or a hollow ish facial skin. I can’t really explain… Alcohol is not good for us and it does show.
Why am I attacking, alcohol? Because, it seems that literally everyone else protects it even at the cost of their own precious, awesome bodies. And the messages, those messages, those ads…even in songs and music videos with the sloppy, sexy female or the unbalanced man waving a gun or the so very heartbroken person who can no longer function. It’s not sexy to be unable to be sexy without being under the influence. It’s not sexy to not be in control of yourself. It’s not sexy to make ignorant choices regarding sex and life. In fact, it makes people look like they are ashamed, deeply depressed and ill equipped in life. I want to add that if a person needs to be altered to be less inhibited or, if a person needs to be under the influence to have “good” sex than there is something to be addressed.
And because we are on the topic of sex…Let me also say, if you don’t want to have sex sober, that is okay too. And, maybe you aren’t with the right person and you are missing out on the right person. Or, maybe sex just isn’t your thing. I’ve heard some of you make comments about sex not feeling good because people are…depressing or lowish, in general. Some of you need to respect your desires or lack of desires and make some changes. Respect your feeling about things. Don’t force you. Maybe you would bring people up, if you didn’t lower yourself.
What do I think is sexy? I’m not going to tell you what I think is sexy.
Still, isn’t it appealing to see people who own their preferences? Isn’t appealing to see people who are comfortable in their skin, who are unapologetically strong and BALANCED, who are accountable, people who are not ashamed of their humanness and who don’t shame. Don’t be embarrassed of your sexuality and don’t make anyone make you feel bad, over being a sexual being.
Enough sex ed. Actually, we never talked about drugs in sex ed. Wonder why?
Moving on to Addiction and giving the floor or post, to Dr. Gabor Mate.
I didn’t know who Dr. Gabor Mate was until recently. I don’t know him but, I completely agree with his words. Recently, I went looking for someone who had formally dived into the area of treating addiction. Someone who appeared to share some of my core beliefs on…things. Plus, I wanted something to show my sons because we are discussing this topic more. My boys need to see that their mom isn’t the only person saying certain things. A parent needs the right back up and sometimes I have to go looking for it. I want the boys to have good information. In case you don’t know, AA has been researched. The research statistics put it into the “fail” pile…not that you couldn’t guess. Yet, it and jail remain the standard for treatment. Any guesses as to why we use a failed form of treatment, to treat people with addiction?
After watching Mate, I saw that someone left a comment, “So what’s the treatment?” Well, it is simple (and not) 1) Figure out the source of your pain or trauma. This is not an answer found on the surface. Most of us have to dive deep below our everyday thoughts. Want a starting point? We benefit from asking broad questions like:
When did your habit or addiction start? The very first drink,etc.
What was happening in your life, back then?
Who was around or, who was in your life? Sometimes, more importantly, who wasn’t around?
How did you feel about the people in your life?
What did you learn from the people who were around you, as you were growing up?
How did you feel about your circumstances? Sometimes, a better question is, “How much do you actually know about that timeframe and the people involved?
Were you physically, emotionally, verbally, sexally abused? Were you shamed? How did the adults handle it? What was your take away message from such an event? How did it shape you?
Did your family play with your emotions or try to control you, emotionally? Yes, that can absolutely be abusive. I’ve seen this play out in some extremely passive but aggressive and painful situations. Toying with a child or a kid or a grownup’s emotions in a “gentle” way is not ok. But for some reason some people allow it to be ok.
Did you feel protected by anyone? (This might seem random. Children and young people need to feel protected and included. Love…well, I have seen that love is subjective. Feeling protected and feeling included is a part of the love mix.
What do you feel about yourself? Why do you feel that way?
Are there any similarities between your childhood and adulthood? Are these helpful or unhelpful similarities?
What did/do you do for joy? Was/is your joy a consideration? Why or why not?
How did/do you take care of yourself?
Did anyone ever educate you on what drugs or alcohol do to the body, including the brain and it’s chemistry?
How does society glamorize alcohol and other drugs? Are some substances sophisticated, or considered healthier or holistic? Are some more trendy? Are any substances thought of as, for the lower income or higher income, in society.
Does your mood change under the influence?
Does your perception change under the influence?
Does being under the influence ever get in the way?
Is being tipsy, drunk, high or hungover being happy or, truly treating some problem? Are you getting to your ideal life with your ideal happiness?
Who is in control of the tiny details in your life? How many tiny details make your life?
Who is in charge of the big details in your life? How many big details make your life?
Do any of the details need to change, for your best interest?
What can you do about any of the details? If so, what is one baby step? Yes, I do respect the baby steps (small but, so major).
Okay so I’m going to stop there. If you are interested in truly healing, you could benefit from talking with someone you feel comfortable with and, this person needs to be open and a listener. Talking with your drinking partner, probably isn’t the best idea. I know, I know, he’s the only one who listens.
But, on a serious note.
In the past, I tried not to work with people who were treating addictions. It was something I tried to avoid. I’m human and I also have limitations. I had even pushed away someone in my personal life, someone I met in my childhood. When we were 29, he passed away. If I could go back, say something different… Why do we say or do stupid things at some of the most pivotal times, in our lives? I promise, my life hasn’t been fluffier or without heaviness. I just don’t want anyone else to be overtaken by these addictions and habits. It’s been a very long time since my friend died but, ugh, my eyes still react. I think it didn’t have to happen and that’s in part, what makes it so difficult. I remember what he was like when we were 12. Contrary to some of the things I heard, the Colby I knew was creative, deep, honest, strong. He always wanted a family. He was so smart. Though he wasn’t the type to make things easy, I never saw him be unkind. I’ve dreamed of him many times. Always messages of love and to remember us, as kids.
So, I thought I couldn’t stomach the life stories, involving addiction. However, it couldn’t be completely avoided. Addiction, addictive behaviors…habits, it’s EVERYYWHERE and in EVERY family. I know someone is going to absolutely insist everyone in their family is 100% sober or be offended, somehow. Ok, you win. But, I will still insist that rarely do we know everyone as well as we think. Some of us struggle to know ourselves. We need to communicate, more.
I think if we were successfully treating addiction then, society would begin to see the flaw in other certain habits. Particularly, celebratory habits. I think we may begin to see the flaw in happily ingesting something toxic. No, alcohol, and other drugs are not the only forms of addiction. We don’t even talk about the debt people drive themselves into to satiate a need to continually feel different, or numb, or to just want more.
And because the topic of medications has come up, for why substances are ok….“Erica, there are medications for people. Meds for relaxing.” “Medications are legal and they help people to use chemicals for getting through whatever kind of life.”
So, there are antidepressants and anxiolytics and muscle relaxers, antipsychotics. None of them are for relaxing. One type is for depression, one is for anxiety- both are for “imbalanced” brain chemistry. I don’t know anyone who would say, “wow, these pills make me feel AMMMAAAzzzing. These meds may also be used in conjunction with therapy or counseling. Muscle relaxers are not meant to take the edge off but, they are commonly abused by patients and doctors. Antipsychotics, well have you ever seen someone on these? Have you ever taken any of these types of meds. I can honestly say that, apart from abused muscle relaxers, I have heard more people who wanted to be off of these meds vs. on them. Do I think everyone should take these medications? No! However, not everyone naturally has helpful levels of serotonin or norepinephrine in their bodies and, a little help is needed. These meds don’t tend to be addictive (again, I’m not talking about the muscle relaxers). I would say they never are addictive but, I’m sure someone knows a dog or cousin who got high on Zoloft, every week. These meds don’t work like that but, “ok”, in advance.
Healthy “classy” people can have unhealthy habits too
This sounds obvious but, I have heard some interesting things…and words and knowledge don’t always reflect actions.
In my world, I always hear people obsess over “organic” food, supporting B corporations. They avoid sulfates and put all kinds of effort into what their kids are learning, at school. They have been very fearful over what they hear about the virus and insist on masks because, “it’s how we keep safer.” Some of these same people are hungover multiple times a week and every holiday. Many of them also smoke while they drink, and some of them with a taste for…other things too…
Expensive crystal glasses, expensive cigars, big houses, designer clothes and top shelf brands don’t make life healthier. We talk about health, safety, having concerns but, what some of us really mean is, “do it my way.”
Hypocrisy enables addiction.
We are all on the healing journey. Some of us are in the 1st grade of healing, some preschool, some working on a doctorate. Don’t compare your journey. We are on this journey together and You are your best teacher! Listen to you, love on you. Remember the child you were. That child deserves all the best, now. Hey, what did you like to do when you were a kid? What did you like to wear? When I was little I loved wearing a knitted puppy sweater. It was pink and green with a big dog on the front. It’s tongue stuck out and it had a pink bow. I often forgot about my wild long hair but, I did like hair clips. I would stick one in some random spot, on my head. I liked shiny dressy shoes and jellies. I remember eating honey suckle flowers. I remember feeling really smart and, at times, really dumb. I was confused about a lot of things. I loved dancing. I saw the first spirit when I was 2, in Puerto Rico. I first started writing when I was eight, secretly. It was about my reflection in a window. Then, the notebook was found and dissected to bits. I stopped writing for a long time. I was afraid of my neighbor’s angry German Shepard. The dog growled and barked and had been trying to tear through my backyard fence. My neighbor, a boy, hated me. He thought I took his German Shepard. Of course, there is much more…
Your turn.
Oh, and there is a book. I glanced over and saw it my night stand drawer. I meant to read this, Clean, by David Sheff. You may like it. I can’t vouch for it yet but, I picked it up because something Sheff said vibed with me. He had said something like, he had wished he hadn’t spoken about all the “good” times he had experimenting with substances, to his son. I appreciated that because, so many parents do unintentionally promote the use of substances.
P.S. Musicians, writers, entertainers in the music world, why aren’t you working together more to cut out the rot bits in your industry. You have what you need. Some of you would benefit from actually writing or practicing to write more because, some of the stuff you are getting is also rotten. As you know, your income is not what is seems…change it, then. Give us something better, if music is truly what you love. Cut out the rot.
Speaking of (amazing) lyrics…