From one former military brat to any of you who are currently in the thick of it. This post is for you. Luckily, we get to reach out through the web, these days. Know there is a special home in my heart for you…always. I carry you there, along with my own children.
Military kids get to do a lot of really cool things just by being around…Flying in cockpits, going on board various ships, traveling, having our own culture/ language. Plus, we experience some privilege that most people never experience, in life. It’s why we are called brats- not a mean term within the military culture.
Then, there are the other things…
Like always being the new kid. Or, never knowing anyone for long, even though all of your classmates have known each other since they were all still peeing on themselves.
Or, always missing a parent, that pain can be deep…I can still remember how that feels decades later…
Or, learning how to balance all of the mini dramas at school only to go home later and, deal with stuff you aren’t ready to deal with…
You don’t need to watch the news to know when people are being deployed. You see the planes taking off. You know the people. You see the grown ups when/ if they come back. You see that some of them come back the same and some don’t come back the same. You know you are strong but, you didn’t ask for it. You just want to be a kid dealing with kid stuff.
Being a kid and a part of an active military family is…challenging…Is that even a fair word? No. It sucks, sometimes. It’s hard. It’s lonely. It’s being misunderstood. It’s being dragged around while your parents get transferred to places you don’t always want to go. Sometimes, it is exciting though.
Can I share some of the things I’ve come to know? Maybe it will help.
- Some of you already know that your perspective is different than, some your teachers’ and neighbors’ perspectives. You never had the luxury of becoming like everyone else you temporarily lived around. It is hard to be a teen who is never fully a part of the group but, it’s not that you don’t belong. It’s that most of you can never truly be caged, in that group-ish way. You are a free bird. Your wings may not be able to fully spread, yet. But, that will come. Embrace you. Did you know that a lot of nonmilitary teens deal with similar feelings? It’s true.
- Do you always feel a little detached? It’s hard to identify with things and people (unless it’s about the military, maybe)…not being attached or identifying with the things around you is actually kind of cool. In some ways, you are like your own truth. Some adults can’t even be that for themselves. I mean, they don’t know who they are without identifying with other people and stuff.
- Practice seeing how you are like other people. In truth, all of us are all one people. If you struggle with only seeing the differences between you and everyone else, remember that you can practice seeing similarities. This practice can even be difficult for people twice your age. So, give yourself some credit.
- Drugs and alcohol are cages. Watch out and pass it up. It won’t help, not really. Contrary to the typical military culture, not everyone drinks. Being drunk isn’t a good look. It may also turn into a hard habit to break, especially if everyone around you drinks to have fun. It’s too easy of a default and, it steals your years faster than you may realize. As you grow, I encourage you to find a different default for fun…something that doesn’t harm you and doesn’t have the potential to harm anyone else. This may seem obvious but, things have a weird way of happening…even when we know better.
- Sometimes you may feel like you have figured out how to be in your military family life. Other times, you suddenly feel like you haven’t found your place, at all. Trust that life is like that for a lot of people. Sometimes, we have it all figured out and sometimes we don’t…that’s ok. It’s normal to bounce between knowing and learning…
- Do you have an outlet, like a hobby? What do you like to do? Find and embrace a way to enjoy your own personal time. It is a way to be yourself while also relaxing or destressing. For some people, their hobby is meditative because, it clears their minds from overthinking. They become totally tapped into the current moment. This is healthy while also practicing an activity- Healthy stuff.
- Ignore perfectionism. What is perfection anyway? It’s someone else’s idea of what you should do (I wouldn’t say that out loud to all military parents but, don’t forget it). “Perfection” limits creativity and it’s not even real. Proof: Have you ever gone to a museum and saw all of the art and said, “Oh, I could easily do something at least as awesome as this stuff?” Did that stuff look like conventional beauty or perfection? Probably not. It was the artist’s view of a tree or a bird, that had value. There is something beautiful in being creative and it has nothing to do with perfection. Draw, write, run, volunteer, join a club, whatever…and don’t worry about doing it “the best” or perfectly. Forget that mentality. It could keep you stagnant. Besides, we learn by doing not by dwelling on perfection. This website isn’t perfect and my writing isn’t always perfect. We’re human and that’s enough. Practice doing what you love. That is a more organic way to being at the top of your game, in life.
- Do you ever feel down or worried/or feel nervousness, like anxiety? This is common, actually for a lot of people. Find someone you trust and talk to that person. I know the military culture is rough, at times. If you need to, find someone who is not a part of the military culture to talk to… Talking about stuff is good for you. I know talking about things can feel weird but, this is healthy and it feels good. Human beings have feelings. So, what.
- Adults may describe you as independent or rebellious. It depends on the adult. Personally, I value those qualities but, Always remember to respect yourself. Teens tend to be fearless, as a rule. Always consider the situation you may be walking into…places and people are typically new, in your world. If something feels off about someone or some place then, he/it probably is off somehow…
- Don’t worry about the labels people use to describe you. Labels can never fully describe the true nature of anyone.
- While your parents learned to take orders, you were accidently becoming the opposite of that… A lot of you will never completely learn how to be just like the group you become friends with... Do you know what I mean? For example, if you move around a lot then, you probably see that kids wear different things and brands depending on the location. How easy is it to be just like everyone else, in whatever school you are in? You would have to be like a reprogrammable robot. Forget that unless, you love it. It can get tiring. Plus, you’ve seen and experienced a lot, early in life. This can easily impact how you interact with people. When I was in my 20’s, I still felt different, somehow. So, I tried to be like other people. It’s hard to explain with words. I stopped writing- there were no writers around me. I hardly listened to music, which is something I love. I ate at the same restaurants as the people I saw. I began dressing the same way, etc. I was trying to be like something I saw as normal. I tried but no matter what, people said things like “why do you always swim upstream?” “Why do you always have to say something?” Do you always have to go against the grain?” “Wear a mask, Erica. Go under the radar a little, for now.” Yes, I have been told all of those things- at schools and jobs. Like a lot of you, I don’t have much fear of rejection, from the group. You won’t fully assimilate into groups, jobs, or whatever if it doesn’t vibe with you. Trying will most likely be painful. You weren’t made for it. I know sometimes we crave Closeness. Is that the right word? Sometimes, we want to belong. Every human being I know craves some closeness to other people. Do you know that a lot of adults and kids don’t always feel like they are a part of a set group of people, all of the time? It’s true. I even know some people who wish they could get away from the other people they are always around…
Besides, you don’t have to be in a set group to have value, to have love, to be happy. Practice being happy and finding your place, in life. Use your lack of typical fears as a tool, to serve you. As you grow up, you can choose to be a force for good, for truth, for change. - Don’t abuse it. If you are a free spirit and don’t know where you are “from,” it’s easy to lose balance in your actions and thoughts. Your actions should reflect well- beingness and kindness. I didn’t write “nice”. Kindness reflects truth, thoughtfulness and, intention in what you do. In truth, all people are one. We don’t have to have the exact same life to actually be connected.
- Everyone experiences challenges in life and in relationships. Your childhood may not have protected you from these types of difficulties but, Everyone has challenges in life and in relationships. Remember your worth and to treat people with kindness. Use words like “I forgive you,” ”I forgive myself” “I’m sorry”, “I love you” or, “No” and you will have a good head start.
- If you have moved a lot then, you may have developed the idea that whatever happens in one location is of no consequence. After all, you will be leaving soon anyway. This sentiment is common among kids within the active duty military families. As a friend, let me give you a heads up- in adulthood, people benefit from acknowledging and owning their actions. In adulthood, we benefit from not leaving things “undone” or unspoken. Deeper friendships and relationships happen as we learn to not take advantage and to remember kindness. Besides, unless you continue to travel every year or 2, you will eventually develop roots somewhere. Allow your roots to be centered around healthy-minded people and healthy environments. Contribute in a fair and healthy way. Maybe this sounds boring for now. At some point (faster than you realize) this will matter.
- Is your family super masculine? Do you know what I mean? It’s ok to be a girly girl who isn’t into sports or guns or whatever. It’s ok to be a boy who enjoys helping mom. My main point is to practice finding balance. I know you may not be able to show your softer side. Don’t, if you home isn’t a safe place for it. Just know there is nothing wrong with you. Being balanced is a rare, powerful quality. Not a defect. We don’t have to be like anyone else. This is another lesson for everyone, not just kids in military families.
- Accept that no parent is perfect. Parents are people. Most of them are trying to do what they feel is best but, try to understand that you don’t have the whole story either. Parents are grown up kids trying to balance a lot. Parent’s also deal with a lot of unfair things too. Grown up kids are responsible for getting the bills paid, feeding you, and they also have to remember that you can’t read their minds (which is easy to forget). Plus, grown up kids have their own issues. I hope that’s a fair thing to say…it’s true. Being a parent is harder than it may look. It’s not an excuse. It’s the truth. BTW, remember that parenthood is nothing to take lightly, as you make certain decisions….
- Think about the things you feel grateful for, in life. Reflect on this, before you go to bed. The more you do this, the more you may see your list grow.
Even if life is hard now, trust 1) You are a special. 2) Your life is special. As you grow up, you will probably appreciate the details of your childhood more- it’s teaching you a lot of important stuff in a very concentrated way. My hope is that you come to this realization sooner rather than later. It’s not about being better or worse or, without or anything like that…it’s about seeing yourself more truthfully and being proud of you.
Kids are super awesome, anyway! So are the grown-up kids…