Rebelling- To resist authority or convention. Is it always just that simple? What is behind the action of rebelling? Is it always just a simple action to go against the norm or rules or, to upset parents? Most kids want their parents’ love and approval. So, how can being rebellious win affection?
In my opinion, “rebelling” may not always be the right word for how our kids choose to act… The word, “rebelling” can suggest a warrantless act of defiance. Like as if everything was peachy keen until little Joey became rebellious.
Let me start with a simple example. Further below, I will give my thoughts on topics like drugs, alcohol, sex and finding a therapist.
Last weekend, I heard a teenage girl trying to convince her mom to buy her a book on demonology. I smiled as the mom stayed hidden in between the stacks of books. Based on this conversation, I knew they were there to buy a book about Christianity. The girl was starting bible study. As this conversation continued, I couldn’t help but to laugh out loud (then quietly leave, soon after). As I was walking away, the teen girl seemed to be trying to compromise. “Fine mom. How about, The Mysteries of Love and Relationships? Why won’t you help me to find something we both want to read!”
I love teenagers. I love how they refuse to hold back.
Was this an act of rebellion, independence? Was this girl trying to push her mom off an emotional cliff?
From what I have seen, Carl Jung’s words are valid- “whatever we resist, persists.” He meant something different but, that idea works here too. Teens are natural truth seekers. They don’t always want a rosy picture. They want to learn about the niddy griddy stuff too. Sometimes, the niddy griddy stuff is the most fun. When we allow our kids to safely explore, it also shows by example, how to approach certain topics or experiences.
Getting back to a teen’s interest in demons-
(Please, hear me out if this is pushing your limits.)
The demon talk is easy (or whatever the possibly uncomfortable topic is). Personally, I would have bought the book on demons or researched online with her. I would have read it with her. Then, asked her what she thought. I would have pulled my Diagnostic Manual off the shelf and asked her to “diagnose” a demon. For fun and to make light of it. We would have even looked up the origin of a particular demon. We could have looked at the time frame people began attributing problems with demons, looked to see what major events may have been occurring….get background information, etc. Who first coined the word- “demon?” We would have examined the writer(s) of the stuff we were reading. I would have taught her to consider her sources of information.
You are indirectly teaching how to choose a direction to take – You are also passing on a navigation tool…turning our backs to the darker side of life isn’t always realistic or always healthy. What if our fears and beliefs are giving too much power away to something else? A Romanian friend of mine, told me that stories of vampires were originally told to people in Romania. This was meant to keep people from leaving their houses at night. It was an attempt to lower crime rates. To this day, I still see shows asking, “Do vampires exist?” This is especially true around Halloween. Do demons exist? I don’t know.
What I do know, is that our kids can open doors for us, while they are pushing limits. I would have asked her what she thought. Had she ever felt held back by a demon? I do know that no demon ever held me back, from something I truly wanted. If she had wanted to know more about demons, I would have suggested volunteering at a counseling center- the demons are possibly within our own minds or, so I have seen. The way we constrain ourselves, punish, hurt ourselves…the things we don’t even realize we are repressing and the more conscious process of suppression, could be the mental demons these days.
I would have spent time with her doing what she wanted to do, while trying to help maintain some kind of BALANCE or being level headed about the topic.
Sometimes, kids just want time with their parents. Why wouldn’t they? We are pretty cool, in a parental leader kind of way, and we have learned a lot, too.
My point is that it can be healthy to embrace the seemingly crazy interest of our kids. It may be that they crave the information we turn our backs too. It may be that they want to practice forming their own opinions. Kids are explorers. Enjoy it! Give yourself permission to explore with them. If something makes you uncomfortable- discuss that uneasy feeling, one on one. Meet each other half way. Allow them to trust coming to you. Life is challenging . Consider your kid’s age. Pushing boundaries is a part of growing up, for many kids.
With regards to topics like drugs, alcohol, sex, educate them.
Maintain neutrality. These topics don’t need to be glorified, turned into “adult” things, or made light of… reminiscing on your experiences can give the impression that these things aren’t that serious. In truth, these particular things can totally derail a person. Remember that kids often see their parents as the example setters. They won’t necessarily say that or even be aware of how they do things similar to us. The things is, we don’t all handle drugs, alcohol and sex in the same way. Plus, our kids are growing up in a different world. We can teach about CONSEQUENCES. How? Once again, volunteering is one way to show them a broader picture. They can volunteer with you at a shelter, or volunteer helping babies, in a hospital. Be honest and, include possible consequences and ramifications.
I know that some parents worry about inadvertently encouraging a child down a particular path. “I don’t want to talk to her about birth control or condoms. I don’t want her to feel like I am giving her permission to have sex.” I have found that, by giving a well- rounded picture of life’s situations kids can navigate life, easier. That is what the sex talk/ways to protect yourself talk, is actually preparing them for….You can add, “I never want you to have sex, ever.” You’ve said what you wanted to say but, you have also informed them..
If your child is already experimenting with drugs/alcohol or if things are generally out of control, talking with the right person can help. Keep in mind, that a therapist who has 40 years of experience may not automatically be the best choice for a teen boy or teen girl. Is this therapist current on his information? Does he know about current issues kids and families are facing , today?
Thoughts on choosing the right therapist/therapy:
- I have never seen a “my way or the high way, get out of my office if you can’t be respectful,” approach to teens, be a successful approach. I have seen this and heard about other experiences. For some reason, some parents will keep bringing their kids to these people.
- Many therapists offer a sliding pay scale- A lot of them will alter their rates to what you can pay. I honestly don’t know of many therapists who can even get away with charging very high hourly rates. Most people would rather spend money on other things. Call whatever therapist you may like, and ask if he has a sliding pay scale. Don’t assume you can’t afford his services.
- Personally, I’ve almost never seen a young kid heal when parents/ caregivers were not directly involved in the therapeutic process, if issues are family related. Something among family members may have been misunderstood, a connection was compromised, something was heard, something happened, etc. This is not about blaming anyone. It’s about finding out how things became unraveled, provide clarity, and reestablishing a loving connection. I have also seen that siblings may be a major part of this whole experience. It is probably beneficial for them to be involved in therapy, as well. Family members interact with each other so, it is can be helpful for everyone to get onto the same page with each other.
- Does your chosen therapist have the right kind of experience for your family? Does this therapist actually have experience working with teens? Does this therapist have experience working with alcohol/ drug related problems? Not all therapists are the same and not all of them can actually help with just any issue.
- In my opinion, a decent therapist is aware of societal issues that your family may face- like race, gender, sexuality issues. Challenges in society are often glazed over and, I don’t agree with that being ok. For me, mental health involves making changes on any level. Some of us can heal when we become a part of the changes in our world. Some of our kids begin to heal when social issues are acknowledged by the adults. Teens may be having challenges outside of the family unit and need help navigating injustices. I have seen the deepest healing occur when a person made a part of his life about being in service to others. So beautiful. Beauty and healing rising from the pain.
- In my opinion, a therapist should be comfortable with your family, avoid taking sides, and be mindful of his expressions. He should treat all of your family members like people. This doesn’t always happen, like it should.
- Singling out a child as “the problem” keeps defenses up and ears closed. Families are a single unit. Sometimes, we overlook our part in a situation. This can be easy to do when you are tired or frustrated or just not feeling very empathic. Parenting is hard work and we aren’t perfect. Try to keep your heart open for the benefit of your teen.
- Very awesome therapists may also have a lot of knowledge on other kinds of resources that may benefit you or your family. They may be able to point you into another direction, as needed.
- Things don’t normally change fast. First, people have to gain some trust in this process, then they need to figure out how to solve the difficulties. Actively working to heal the family is a process that can take some time. Every family is different.
- If there are problems at school, have you ruled out bullying, online bullying or, learning difficulties? You know, sometimes our kids are telling the truth when they say a teacher or administrator is targeting them- another thing I have seen. Obviously, this would be a time to involve other people, and setting up a time to talk about how to change things/ situations.
- The last thing I want to write is a little difficult. I feel that if you expect your child to make changes in his life then, he greatly benefits from seeing you as being the example for how to make changes. So many of our kids feel a need to be with us, more. They want to know that you think that they are that awesome. They crave love as a way of life, not just words. It can be a process to make more time, for our kids. It’s worth it. Only you know how to do this, best.
Boot camps for children are considered harmful and unsuccessful by many professionals within the mental health field.
They still exist and tout themselves in the best light. Their websites often look serene or like everyone is happy and healthy. No. There have been deaths and reports of all kinds of abuse. Kids have also reported drug use, at these places. Of the schools I have heard about, therapists aren’t as involved as the guards (they have all kinds of other titles) with the kids.
Teenagers are amazing! Do you remember being a teenager? What were you like?