Codependency isn’t just about chemical dependency. For a lot of people, codependency is an unhealthy reliance to someone in our lives. Often, we have a difficult time seeing patterns of dependency.
Here is a starting off point for anyone wondering about codependency…
What makes codependency unhealthy? Well, it usually has to do with how a person sustains different types of relationships. AND, why he/she feels the need to live in this way, as codependent….there can be an underlying feeling of shame. Maybe a person began to feel devalued, somehow. Another reason why this is unhealthy is because codependent behavior usually attracts people with their own unhealthy or, even harmful behavior….
So, what exactly can codependent behavior look like, in a relationship?
- People with codependent behaviors may be unable to make their own decisions. This person may feel very uncomfortable buying a totally different item of clothing. She may feel it necessary to always have a person around her, when she wants to do something. This person may feel it’s necessary to have a second opinion from someone before she decides to like or do something. Very simple decisions and activities nearly always require a separate person’s input, approval, acceptance, and/or involvement. In other words, this person doesn’t feel like she is able to do a lot of basic stuff on her own. I’m not talking about making big decisions, independently. I’m talking about the type of foods she eats, the clothes she wears, the activities she “enjoys”, the way she does her hair… When you think about it, this can start in childhood. Some of us were taught to be told how to look, how to “act,” and really how to exist in general. Our parents may not have intended to teach dependency however, that is exactly what some kids may have been unintentionally learning…how to be told or to be dependent on the opinions of other people. Some therapist will attribute this to having very controlling parents. Maybe. What do you think? Parenting is super tricky because of the underlying and unintended messages but, it may not only be about the parenting. I’ll talk more about this after the bullet points.
- Codependency can involve family members. Usually another clinical word is used- “enmeshment.” This means that parents/guardians and children have unclear roles and boundaries. An example of this may be that a mom is confiding in her 5 yr old daughter about her father’s 3rd party relationship. The child may begin enabling her mom’s rage, among other things. The idea of who is the protective adult, and how this should look, becomes confused.
- People with codependent behavior often attract people who may be controlling or may even have narcissistic tendencies. These two people may control each other with passive aggressive behavior. One person may come across as more controlling or brutal but often, both will make painful jabs at each other. Passive aggression and controlling behavior can involve mind games, trying to make each other feel jealous, trying to make someone feel shame, intending to make someone feel guilty for genuinely feeling happy while attempting to do something independently, withholding sex to gain control…the individuals aren’t very free to be who they are. Maintaining an agenda is a huge part of this dynamic. One person’s agenda may be to control the way the relationship functions. The other person’s agenda may be to keep someone “happy” and to maintain the relationship. While one person may look more dependent, I would say that both function from codependency. It takes both individuals willing to participate in this relationship, for this dynamic to work. Once one person totally cuts off the other individual, then, this dynamic ends. Some professionals insist that people don’t really change, especially people in these types of relationships. On the contrary, I have seen people permanently walk away from these unhealthy relationships and begin to change their own behavior. Even more, I have seen these same people teach others how to change their lives. Everything IS possible. Volunteering with people can give some beautiful examples of what a human being is capable of…
- Healthy boundaries don’t really exist in a dynamic with codependency.
- Healthy communication skills don’t really exist. Using manipulation may be the primary way this person chooses to engage with her/his spouse. Manipulation can also involve people pleasing behavior and enabling the unhealthy behavior.
- Typically, there isn’t a high level of self- awareness with the person who has codependent tendencies. “I don’t know why I put up with this.” In truth, I think many of us aren’t always very self-aware. It’s easy to look at other people and to see their challenges. It takes a lot to look at ourselves and to see issues and challenges within our own lives. It can be scary to look at ourselves. What would happen if we actually saw something we didn’t like in our lives? What would it mean to have to make changes? This bullet point isn’t a critique- It is scary to notice our own tendencies…it just is, at times…and the things is, we all have things we could improve on. I truly think this is true for everyone alive (another reason why I am done admiring celebrities, so called spiritual teachers, and so many other people seen as “role models.”). I wish I could scream out to the whole world, “WE ALL HAVE STUFF TO DEAL WITH! SO WHAT! So what if you could gain by going to a therapist. Therapists also talk to therapists. And yes, I have also spoken with therapists. So WHAT! It’s healthy. It feels good. What is with the stigma? We aren’t defects for working out our challenges…in fact, I think that’s a part of human evolution! We are strong for being able to do this tough stuff!
- Obviously, a form of abuse can be a part of this codependent relationship…Verbal, sexual, physical and, psychological abuse…when you think about it, anything can be abused or used against you- even money can be used to control a person. I’ve seen some people use religious texts as a way to control a person. Heck, I’ve even seen non-religious people make jabs based on spiritual texts. When we don’t realize how awesome we are, we are vulnerable to these types of jabs or to comparisons, in general. No one is better than you, or me, or anyone. We just have very different starting points and understandings.
- Someone with codependent tendencies may make statements like, “I can’t do ____without him/her.” “I need him/her.” “I’ll die if he leaves me.” Break ups are hard for most of us. However, people end relationships because it is sometimes healthy to do so. Codependency ignores health in part, because the fear, depression, sadness, having a lack mentality, etc. outweighs everything else.
- There is so much more than I could even write in a single post. If any of this resonates with you, look up more information. Consider talking with someone you trust or even seeing a professional. I wrote about it because it is everywhere, though it is unhealthy. In music, in stories, in movies… I would never want my children to be manipulated or controlled or to control the people in their lives.
Why I don’t just think it’s just the parents teaching codependency (or even Narcissism).
You know, I think a part of why we struggle to see codependency, is because it has been romanticized, in the past. Everything from fairy tales to Shakespeare. Cinderella needed a royal prince (what does royal imply? Just asking…why couldn’t he be “common” like her?) to Romeo and Juliet killing themselves. Maybe at some point in our history, this behavior served a purpose- like survival. It’s time to realize that we can let go of those painful survival tactics. It’s not sexy, loving behavior. It’s a cage. It’s harmful. It’s painful and it is most certainly not an expression of love.
Sometimes, we willingly stay with someone in a dysfunctional relationship because, we see how things could be. We see a dream not yet realized. At times, I hear people speak in a way that reminds me of Harry Potter’s Mirror. The mirror that reflected his desires, not the reality…
If we take this to another level, we can look at the relationships between countries. Politics. What does war usually involve? Manifest Destiny- what was that about? What did this involve?
Could the way we are governed further influence the behavior of this nation’s citizens? Is it a stretch, really? From what I have seen, literally anything can be used as an example, for how to treat each other…there are too many inconsistencies in what we are taught vs. the way we live….
We all deserve to be free and, loved for who we are. We are good enough.