An underdeveloped element within some parent/child relationships may be a lack of rapport. It can be easy to assume that you know your child. From what I have seen, the opposite is true. Even I know, that I only partly know my boys. Without making any regular effort, most of us only truly know the very obvious things shown to us, nothing much deeper.
How much did your parents know about you, truly? I’m talking about the deeper level stuff…
Many times I hear parents say something like, “My son never tells me anything.” Or, “I have no idea what she likes anymore.” As the moments pass, a disconnect can occur between parents and kids. The bond that seemed automatic changes into a bond we may need to work towards sustaining. That’s the thing about family…we can easily forget that solid relationships involve give and take between the people involved. Further down the page, are tips on building rapport.
Why does rapport matter?
Rapport is a part of a healthy relationship. It’s not just for creating business deals or successful therapy sessions. Plus, most of us want to know our children. We want to be a part of their lives, as they grow. This is not because we have to be involved. It’s because we love them. There is a reciprocity to love. Rapport is a practice in reciprocity.
Does anyone automatically owe a relationship or a close bond, to someone?
“I don’t want my son to replace me with some woman.” “Her friends are more important.” “I’m never included.” “I feel like I don’t know her, anymore.” “He never talks to me.” Some of the things we experience with our children are par for the course, age appropriate and, healthy.
Before moving on, let’s talk about that first statement then, I’ll get back on track further below.
“I don’t want to be replaced by some woman.” This is something a little different from the other statements.
I hear this ALL OF THE TIME. As a mom of two boys, I know that one day other people will stand with the boys to make adult decisions. I will no longer be a part of their decision making process. Though my role will change, I know that I can’t be replaced. I think that for most children, parents are never really the intended keepers of decision making. It is something that happens by default, temporarily. For many kids, parents are where the highest love resides. They see the parents as the safety nets. That metaphoric place to run and hide when the tides are too high. For most children, no one can come close to replacing a beloved and safe mom or dad…not lovers, friends, hobbies, whatever. A healthy parent/child dynamic is fundamentally different from any other dynamic and inherently untouchable. For a child, a parent is more equated to a sense of ability or a sense of worth than, simply another person that comes and goes… I hope this makes sense…I find this hard to put into words. If you think about it, this is why an unhealthy family dynamic may cause adult children to be stuck or to feel unworthy or simply unable to “rise to the occasion”. Parent/child relationships are different from other relationships. If you are a mom or dad and you think you can be replaced, get that out of your mind. If you compare your role with the role of your son’s lover, sure, you will see how the moments have passed. However, that grown up little boy always held you in a separate space. You were his keeper and you were given the privilege of roaming in and out of duties, on his behalf. What an honor! No one else can or will ever be able to fulfill that role. It is a role that is protected by the passing of moments and the natural process of growing into an adult. No one else will ever have the sacred moments the two of you shared as you fed him or, held his tiny body and, watched him transition into manhood. He knows this. Sure, I feel emotional as I see how fast it all passes by but, I am so grateful. My tears come from a place of honor. My spiritual side feels honored that these little boys picked me as their mom. Celebrate life and love. You cannot be replaced. You hold a sacred place.
As for the statements like, “Her friends are more important.” “I’m never included.” “I don’t know what she likes anymore.” “He never talks to me.” This can be very age appropriate behavior. Our kids have to practice figuring things out, separate from us, at times. It’s how they learn what they want, and don’t like to experience. I have even seen that some children learn that their parents’ words and opinions are actually valid, while exploring life on their own. Maybe you stated your opinion about your daughter’s friend. She didn’t like what you said and shut you out. Then, a month later something happens with the friend and your daughter thinks back to what you said. In the process, she saw that you had her back and that you had the ability/experience to see what she could not see. Avoid saying, “I told you so.” That takes away from the relationship building process and a feeling of safety. My main point is that you aren’t losing your child or teen. They are gaining a sense of independence.
Tearing down rapport with your children
As with any relationship, building trust and learning about each other strengthens the bond between parents and children. Challenges can occur in any dynamic when:
- someone assumes to know the other person or, assumptions make up for a lack of communication
- there is a lack of communication
- someone is taken for granted
- there is pressure or expectations placed on someone
- there isn’t a balanced give and take within the dynamic
- someone doesn’t feel safe or there is a lack of trust
- someone doesn’t feel respected or worthy enough to count
- someone doesn’t feel heard
- there is a lack of empathy, compassion or, understanding
So many times I hear parents proudly announce that, “children are not equals.” While society will certainly prove those parents correct, I strongly think that it is time we started practicing (and allowing our children the space to practice) a different frame of mind. Of course, parents have the veto in most situations and this inherently implies inequality. It’s usually a matter of safety or matter of necessity. However, children who are used to being overpowered or denied their hearts’ desires often times get used to that feeling. Expectations are lowered. Dreams change into something more accommodating to what the inner circle feels is best. “Be a doctor. Being a ballerina is unrealistic.” “Work for your father. It’s a sure thing.” “School is too expensive but, Ed needs an extra person.” And so on… practicing inequality almost always overflows into other aspects of life…. just stay aware of the give and take…
Building Rapport with your children
What can a person do to build a relationship with you? Usually it’s the little and CONSISTENT things we do with a child, that builds rapport. It’s:
- Knowing why you are proud of your kid. Parents easily feel certain things about their children. We don’t have to actually have reasons for the way we feel. In heated moments or, when a kid is going through challenges, he may need to be reminded of his awesomeness. I have actually heard very young kids challenge their parents. “Why am I special?” “Why are you proud of me?” Kids want sincere answers that they can use or that helps to build them up, as an individual. For example, I could say to my sons, “I’m proud of you because, you are my sons.” Or, I could dig a little deeper. “I’m so proud of you for so many reasons. For being so young, you are passionate about things. You are heart led. When you are challenged, you act with courage.” Be honest and thoughtful. Most of us, including kids, don’t need to hear about our faults. Occasionally, we benefit from being reminded of who we are truly. In my opinion, school grades, extracurricular activities, IQ, or being well liked, don’t make the child. What’s behind all of that? Is it dedication to his interests, his ability to have laser like focus? Is she compassionate? Is she curious and undeterred? What is it about your child that helps him to perform a certain way? What is it about your daughter that makes her well liked? Those answers are deeper and will be felt by your child.
- Keeping promises. If you know it’s going to be hard to take time off during your work week, don’t say you’ll find more time during the week, to see your kid. Maybe, the best you can do is to leave a small note on a napkin with a favorite candy or flower or whatever. Just something to show that you think about your son or daughter. It will count. Before leaving for work, my mom used to leave a simple chocolate shake in the freezer, for me. That used to make me so happy and it was a good feeling to start the day.
- Noticing a child’s effort. If my oldest lion cub wants attention, he may try to help me somehow. I’ve learned that he wants me to acknowledge him and what he is doing. Unlike my youngest son who will regularly say what’s on his mind, my oldest defaults to action. His actions speak for him. I go to him and hug him, thank him and, spend time with him. Most of the time, I can make him a part of what I am doing.
- Have empathy. Kids have very little life experience from which to navigate. Plus, they tend to have very little control over anything. Do you ever wonder why your daughter or son react in particular ways? Try to put yourself “in her/his shoes.” Try to see things from her/his perspective.
- Noticing a child’s expressions and gestures. How does she carry herself? These expressions can say a lot about your child’s inner world. Gently acknowledge it and talk about it. Listen more than you speak. Avoid assumptions and remember that a child is still learning how to express herself. Also, children use the words they hear but, they haven’t actually grasped the correct definition. For example, I have heard the word “anxious” used to convey a happy excitement. A lot of us know that “anxious” is a form of the word, anxiety. Anxious doesn’t mean a happy excitement. It’s nervousness, sometimes based in fear. Realize that sometimes children are trying out vocab. Don’t hold them rigidly to the words they use. Look at their body language to help figure things out.
- Get interested in your kid’s interests. Show her that it’s okay to have an interest she discovered on her own. Remember, that isn’t always about what the parent likes or prefers. It’s about the child. As we grow, it’s already so easy to care more about what the group thinks- that can be very controlling. We build up our individual children by finding ways to validate them, individually. This can start by seeing what their true nature is or true interests and, acknowledging it.
- Hearing your kid say “I already know I can be myself.” Then, giving them the opportunities to make good on that knowledge. Teens may know everything but, what parents know is that actions are harder than words. Notice if your child is being pressured. Have her back. Gently challenge her, if needed. Give her something to think about and then, back off. Don’t always let her get away with being like her friends, if you know she wanted something different. When the two of you are alone, check in with her, sometimes. Make sure she is ok with her decisions. Some groups of girls start to look the same, even if they don’t all feel the same. Sometimes, our kids need to know we will have their backs as they change friends. Or they benefit from realizing that they always have options or, the ability to carefully change friendships or, the ability to be different.
- Understand that kids “go away” from us, for a time. I simply mean that some kids want to explore a little on their own. They find a group and learn about social dynamics. Interacting with other people requires skill- that’s what our teens are usually working on. This can be fun for some of our kids, or not. There are things they need to know, experience and, work on as they approach adulthood. Allow them to practice life. Have you talked to your kids about sex, drugs or other important topics? Your information on these topics will help them to navigate easier.
- Being the “bad” guy. If your kid trusts you, he may confide that he really doesn’t want to go on that trip with Billy. He may not say why but, he is saying a lot already…That’s when you could say, “I don’t want you to go. I don’t have a good feeling about it. Do you want me to let his parents know your aren’t going or, do you want to tell Billy I’m not letting you go?” Countless times, I have seen that kids really needed their parents to take the hit and to do the uncool thing, by saying no. Kids do not want cool parents. By a certain age, we outgrow “cool,” anyway. They want safe, protective, gonna be there to save the day, gonna be there when needed the most, awesome, loving, empathic parents. As a teenager, both my parents told me that I could blame them to get out of situations that felt bigger than I could handle. “Erica, I don’t care what you all were doing. Don’t let a friend drive you home if she was drinking. Blame me, say whatever. Just call me so, I can come get you. Think about a plan before you go.” As a teen, I never called because, I never put myself in the situation where I would need to call. I learned to take care of myself, in the process. We can’t always keep our kids from making certain decisions but, sometimes we accidently give them something to reevaluate and to consider a safer alternative. Sometimes, that is enough.
- Avoid telling people about a child’s embarrassing moments. This may seem obvious but, it happens a lot and sometimes by accident. Maybe you were trying to get advice. Maybe you were attempting to speak confidentially to another adult. These are normal things. Parenting is hard and we look to each other. Just stay aware of how you speak about certain things and, how it may feel if you were in your kid’s shoes. For example, all of the women in the family don’t really need to know when Anna started her period. Besides, the guys are almost always nearby…Our kids’ embarrassing moments aren’t usually big deals to the adults. We may even smile or laugh about things because we went through similar stuff. To our teens, it is a big deal and it’s about building rapport.
Was there something your parents or guardians could have done to help build the bond you had with them?
Building rapport is action based. Rapport and trust aren’t had or maintained because, you are family or the parent. I’m not so sure most kids fully trust their parents. It has nothing to do with being perfect. It’s about the little things that show you genuinely care. It’s about seeing who your child is and what he is trying to do or, express or, accomplish.
Build a bond that can raise both you and your child up. Ultimately, I think that’s the beauty in parenting. It can raise people up and bring them together, for love.
Love is a Force for change.