The bulk of my mental health experience came from working in Anger Management but, I have always been interested and curious about the human condition. By nature, I watch. So, my example in this post comes from these combined experiences.
Throughout my life I have heard people make judgements like, “That person will never change. Some people can’t change.”
I don’t know…I won’t know most people for the entirety of their lives. I won’t see their process. In my experience, change is inevitable.
I have also seen that people mirror life and one another. If a person’s life (not just parents or whoever) is unstable, brutal, violent, harsh, hypocritical, or inconsistent- that is what is reflected by some people. I have even seen that these same individuals can be more aware of themselves than, other “kinder” people…some people actually choose to reflect… and to get out of their feelings… and I wonder if there is something more to an “unchangeable” person.
What I saw in some of these individuals mandated into Anger Management:
They reacted fast.
They were actually like many other people but, they had been “caught” or they didn’t hold back. Keep in mind, not everyone in mandated programs are cold violent killers…actually Anger Management isn’t really suited for those personality types- the “sociopaths” or “psychopaths.”
A lot of them could not be in their feelings at home or, as children. This is true for many people, not just people in Anger Management. This can have a strong impact on a person’s choices and reactions. At the end of this post, I will write a little about being in our feelings.
Some of them were very honest people- sharp as swords.
Some of them were seeing things very clearly.
There were other things…but, it’s the last two things above, that shine out for someone like me.
Why does this matter?
These were people who were being brought to their knees, metaphorically. Their options had become limited. Doors were closing. Who seems to be the greatest candidate for seeking and making changes in life? From what I see, it’s the individuals who have been through hellfire. Sure, we all make choices but, we don’t all have the same tools.
It’s easy to write off each other.
I want my sons to know that whatever challenges they face, they can always come back. I want my sons to know this is true for other people, as well.
We can be our own example. We can reflect something from within ourselves rather than, what has been reflected at us.
It’s about taming the inner beast and having the right outlet. If a person is angry, what are they really angry about? What is the true root at the challenge being faced? Is there a baby step to take (this sometimes means stepping towards our own healing, first.) ?
We don’t all want to be involved in social changes but, I have seen that some of you would be a powerhouse for it. This includes people who have never been been to Anger Management.
That may very well be your true path….look at what you have been through…it wasn’t so that you could be a victim or a mere survivor or to be another case.
There have been no accidents in my life and, there are no accidents for you.
What would it look like to be a part of something bigger or, to be inspired? You never know what may come of those first inspired and doable steps.
-You could write using any outlet. Even a journal can lead to you realizing that you have something to share .
-You could volunteer with people or animals or at a Botanical Garden or, wherever.
-You could paint.
-You could read about an interest you have had.
-You could take a walk- sometimes it’s about getting out and allowing the opportunity of being in the right place at the right time…
-You could simply tell your kid, “I love you,” more. Break cycles, you were made for it.
Trust your inspiration or, practice trusting in yourself. I know it’s not easy especially when people have expectations of you. Or, they have no expectations of you.
Because I know some of you have been told this….
Never listen to someone who suggests you aren’t good enough to have a different (happier) life. Never listen to someone who says you don’t have the right background for your heart’s desire. They may have a limited mindset. Sometimes people laugh at another person’s dreams. That reflects limitation, not truth.
To the mental health/psych world
We could do a better job at helping to raise people up. It’s not just about inner demons or troubled childhoods, stuck cycles or, behaviors….true healing can come from having an outlet for service to others or, for ourselves. We can plant seeds and work to sow those seeds. Sometimes we benefit by helping others to remember their worth. A person’s worth may not come from relearning how to quietly function in life. Sometimes, it is about seeing something in someone and, helping him to rediscover his power and path. We all get derailed at times and at times that derailment has been allowed to define a person. Not everyone in mandated programs, is unhelpable. This isn’t a dream or a delusion. It is about finding direction. Sometimes, that’s what a person needs- to find a direction while remembering why she is also awesome and capable. I’m writing this because, I’ve seen and heard things, from the professionals. Things I didn’t like…things that were wrong, unhelpful, unprofessional, unkind and, hypocritical- a small list. Sometimes, it seems like the general public hates therapy. I hate to write this but, maybe there is a good reason for that sentiment…and, it has nothing to do with exploring inner demons…
Being in your feelings (because this is a powerful tool, if channeled properly).
As a society, we don’t talk much about feelings. It’s unfortunate that the thing that can ignite us is allowed to burn out. For me, it’s about feeling our reason for being here. Your feelings can be your inspiration and a navigation tool.
I have heard two separate ways to talk about feelings. For example:
- “I think I love her.”
- “I love her.”
With those of us who have not been in our feelings, we think and feel from our head. We call it logical. So, we approach love from a logical place. It makes logical sense to stay or, to love this woman. There are fewer risks involved. It comes down to logically acting. Logic has a place and can help us to use our “tools” but, it is not a feeling.
For people who are in their feelings, something like love is heartfelt. Feelings don’t originate in the head. We feel magnetized toward something (and would have to fight that feeling to move away). People can feel things like warmth, curiosity, kindness, concern, desire, respect, empathy, etc. when they are not stuck in their heads. Feelings can inspire a person into action. Like logical “love,” love has an action component to it. Personally, this what I think the true feeling of the most high love is all about– Inspired action.
We need to get away from the generalizations to see each other’s strengths. Remember who we are…
Do you ever generalize? Is there another way to see someone? Is there another perspective? For the curious, Yes, I have had my own generalizations to work on…but not too many 😊. It’s a part of being a human being.
I write for my boys but, I hope that something on this site reaches out to the right people. I hope that you also leave notes for someone you love however you are inspired to do so. We are all teachers and students.