In 2005, I decided to do a cat a favor. I helped her out of a shelter. I knew no one else would have adopted Tootsie. She had all the wrong looks and the way she carried herself- it wasn’t a sight that screamed “I’m right for the family life!” No. So, in my mind, I was saving her.
She was supposed to get onto her own four feet, but she never did.
Did I ever mention that I have cat allergies?
In time, she set up residence in the backyard.
Cats don’t rate well on the empathy scale. You have a bad day, they will make sure you are still petting them, instead of the other way around. I have even heard that cats are the psychopaths in the animal kingdom.
I really didn’t want a cat. The greater mystery was in how I had even ended up in that animal shelter to begin with.
I thought to myself, “It will be okay. Cats don’t live forever. Animals die naturally everyday. It’s a part of life.”
The summer of 2006, I found her in a limp state. I don’t know what came over me. She wasn’t moving, and I felt completely helpless. Her eyes weren’t looking at me but, not rolled back. I rushed her to an animal hospital. I held her tight until it was time for the vet to take her.
Cats have their own version of HIV and she had tested positive.
Her vet gave me options.
Tootsie’s overnight hospitalization cost the same as my books for one semester. Her vet explained that hospitalizing her wasn’t a cure and that she probably would not live through the night. My heart cracked.
All of this over a crazy street cat!
Before I left her, I told her to hold on. I knew she could understand my words, because she had always done the exact opposite of what I asked, at home.
I knew that she knew, that I wanted her to actually do what I asked, this time. I promised her that I would be back to visit her, in the morning. I would take her home, no matter what.
Fourteen years later that cat would still be a horrible roommate and, somehow manage to contract the most random diseases, on a regular basis. She needed to be cared for but, one by one, all of her diseases would fade away. Her vets never again saw signs of any of her past illnesses. Even her HIV went away. I was told that her diseases shouldn’t have just gone away and that she should have been dead, already. That’s what I was told by multiple vets. Her tests were all negative, now.
Looking back, I think… maybe…you were on your own schedule, Tootsie.
It is almost the end of 2019. A month ago, I saw you walk through the back gate. You never came back, not even for food.
No, no one else would have taken you in. We both know that…
I had a dream that you were with Cheeto, your long- time companion who passed away a few years back.
That was my cue to stop looking out for you.
I wanted this separation for so long and now, I’m crying over you. I think my sadness would make you smirk, just like in the old days. You horrible, cheeky cat.
I know this is where I am supposed to say, “You were a good friend.”
You were a horrible friend.
During a time in my life when my depression was on the brink of taking my life, you would make me get out of bed to feed you or, you would knock over a cup. I’d automatically react and go clean up yet another mess you had made.
You just sat with me, day in and day out. Acting as though I was your own personal Cinderella. “Ericarella get me food, now. Open this door now. Brush my hair, even the bald spots, NOW!! It’s cold, get me fresh bedding! Take me to the vet!”
I knew what your eyes were saying.
You would stare at me as your body basked in sunlight, unashamed. I watched your mouth turn upward and you purred as your skin warmed.
You were a happy cat.
How could such a sickly cat be so happy and so capable of healing herself? I never saw you do anything of any great importance. Such untapped intelligence! You kept me so occupied while I was at home. No one ever had such a needy cat!
Fast forward to the present.
It’s hard to articulate some things…All I can say is, life has a way of making you show what you have learned. I think I did well on a recent decision. You walked away directly afterwards…
How beautiful, the timing of us.
Thank you, Toostsie.
I don’t say this a lot but, I learned something from you. Or rather, you made me take the time to learn (through your neediness).
I wasn’t sure about adding the bit about my depression, to this post. Though it didn’t seem fair to omit it. Animals can have such a profound impact on us. I wish we could remember them more as we made decisions, on this planet.
A few words on Depression
I don’t think the vast majority of people can live on this planet without ever feeling depressed. Yet, Depression is made into something so… “clinical” and like a defect. I think it can be natural and a part of our experience and even, a healthy, ongoing process.
I never vibed with the “battling depression” talk. I felt like I was battling more with a messed up planet. At the time, I would have been one of those people who said that a person would have to be insane to not feel depressed, sometimes. I might still feel like that, at times. I would have said that nothing is genuine, including people. I don’t feel like that now. Most people are just acting like… people. Most people aren’t trying to hurt each other, intentionally. I want to add that I have seen such beauty from people ( I added this to the post after it was published. I have truly seen people do amazing and beautiful things.)
I wasn’t battling depression. Depression was a symptom of having to learn how to navigate this place, better. And, to not take things personal.
I don’t think Depression just goes away forever. Depression will always come around as a red flag. It is like a radar that will tell you when something is wrong for you or, that something is lacking. If you let it hang around for awhile, eventually you may find that you are back to the basics- like how you are eating, drinking, exercising, your functioning, the baggage in your mind.
Some people feel depression because of a chemical imbalance. That wasn’t me. Still, I tried every antidepressant pill that was ever invented and, those pills made it all worse. For me, it was about me, ruminating on the past, unhealthy coping and, society.
I didn’t really mean for this to be about Depression. That can be a complex topic in and of itself. And, by no means am I suggesting that all a person needs is a needy, very self-centered animal roommate.
Can a silent cat be an Ascended Master? In my world, yes!
Thank you, Tootsie.
One of the beautiful things about your life, was that you were just there.
I will keep the memories of us sitting in the sun, in the quiet.
I have learned in part, from a cat’s practice of happiness.
Your former student,
Erica(rella)