Recently someone read that, “we are not our actions.” She asked me, “If we don’t identify with our actions than, who are we? And, don’t our emotions reflect us?”
Identification.
If you read ancient philosophies, mental health therapies or, even just read biographies of successful people you may begin to see that identifying less with actions and emotions frees up people.
Yes, there are mental health therapies that help people to identify less with their actions and choices…
There is a program for eating disorders in Houston, Texas. I was fortunate enough to be invited to observe the way they help young people. At the time, I was considering a position at this facility. One of the counseling sessions involves group therapy. The facilitator asked, “Are we our feelings?” The people in this group jumped on this. All of them adamantly agreed that people are their actions and thoughts and emotions. They said things like, “ I AM a sad person.” “I am an anorexic.” “I am how I feel and that changes sometimes.” Then, the group facilitator challenged all of those beliefs by simply asking “How?” “Why?” “Please explain this.” The young people in the group said things like, “I don’t know. I can’t be someone else.” “It’s what I do.” “I Don’t have a choice.” “Anything else is a lie.”
I am writing this to further illustrate that in my field and in general, I have seen that identifying with actions, emotions, thoughts, has only ever held a person back. It has even affected health.
What if you identify as a happy billionaire?
Can identity be used as a tool for good or money?
Maybe. Still, I think it could limit a person.
One of the things I hope to impart on my sons is that money isn’t the determining factor as to whether or not you are the master of your life. Some millionaires may still act like glorified slaves…what it takes to have so much in one area of your life often leads to a severe lack in other areas these days, for many of us.
So, Erica you didn’t answer the person’s question. Who are we if not our actions, etc?
I am getting to that answer…maybe it requires examples and vocabulary. Let’s start by talking about the word, “ego.”
Ego
Ego has a place. It protects us, helps us feel like we fit somewhere, sometimes. It helps us to fit into society or groups or even into mindsets, much like Alice discovers that cake and potions help her to fit when she first enters Wonderland. Ego has even had a place with romance and relationships- like when we change to accommodate someone or, we put up a wall. When we are brave we take off the mask and, we show who we truly are to someone we love. Of course, that poses a risk. I know.
I hear people talk about ego like it is all about being boastful. When I write about ego, I am talking about the way we present ourselves to the world when we are wearing a metaphoric mask. So, ego is fear based, protective. That is how I use the word, “ego.” Ego is very limiting to our life. It can easily limit how we make money, experience love or, even see the world.
If we don’t identify with our actions, choices, emotions than how do we identify, who are we? Why wouldn’t we identify in that way?
An example to begin dissecting this answer
A child who struggles to ride a bike isn’t a failure at life. He is in the process of practicing a task. And, once this child masters bike riding, he doesn’t have to be a committed bike rider or a manager of bike riders. He can still do anything. He is not even a “bike rider,” at his core. He is a person who can ride a bike. Ultimately, he is someone who is so much more that just a bike rider. “Bike rider” or, any one title could never fully encompass anyone. This example can be likened to life in general. Life is a study and a practice and, that study involves many things. Yet, many of us choose a single title or plot in life. We sell ourselves short, as the practice, most often.
Another example
I meet many people, who have kids. So many women are fully identified as, “mom.” I mean to the extent that these moms begin to look like Their moms- clothes and hairstyles changing to fit the role of “mom.” I see women who stop exploring unless, it is to do a cub scout project. I meet other people who homeschool and I hear, “If you homeschool, it is your life.” Can I say something honest but, dark? If I thought like that, I would not be able to finish out my life. Or, I would probably drink or both…
More importantly, I am an individual with dreams, desires, (whisper) sexuality, hope for many things, interests. I am still an individual. This is the example I want the boys to see, for what a healthy female is like…and for how she lives…healthy women aren’t caged- a mom shouldn’t be completely defined by her kids. Yes, I understand children change things but, there is a balance to protect because, that teaches too. Identification sneaks into so many areas of our lives, if we forget to balance the various roles we play.
Who are you? You are an individual with the right to practice and to feel whatever. As a person you have the right to mess up, to experience lucky consequences and challenging consequences. You have the right to experience joy and sadness. You have the right to enjoy and, to take care of your body. Your life is an experience but, none of it is YOU. Experiences are literally separate from you. Yet, people identify with actions because, labels start from so early. “You are a girl.” “Are you straight or gay or bi or questioning or trans?” “What do you want to be?” “Are you a good witch or a bad witch?” (Sorry. I love that movie.) We are given names and taught to go by that name- functional, obviously but, names can be taken so seriously and, for what exactly?
We are people having an experience of physical life. This simple statement is applicable and the most basic, observation anyone can make. We need to be careful with how we complicate the only thing some of us can see-that we are people having an experience of physical life.
My little girl meditation from decades ago
When I was a little girl, I used to imagine what it was like to be in outer space. No shuttle. Just floating and watching Earth. Back then, I wouldn’t have used the word, “meditation,” but that was what I was doing in the dark before I slept. I enjoyed this because I could emotionally pull away from the heaviness of life. I imagined a beautiful Earth- glowing blue and white but, separate with some distance. I imagined knowing that some people were eating or, sleeping or concerned or busy. In these moments, people on my imagined Earth reminded me of ants with tiny ant issues. Much later in my life, I heard that astronauts go through a similar experience observing Earth- they have a realization that humans have something to protect and, that we need to get away from being divided or making our issues bigger than they are…
These moments gave me pockets of time in which I felt empowered and like my life was a playground- not a list of things grown ups told me I had to do. Though I knew I had to go along with certain things until I became an adult. Eventually, I stopped doing this meditation because it caused intense vertigo and that scared me. That fear was one of the ways I was able to let go of my weird side, for awhile. In the 80’s and 90’s I didn’t know anyone else who…I don’t know…had a spiritual side without believing in religion…I didn’t vibe with my mom’s faith. Back then, I considered my spirituality, my quark. The strange part of me I learned not to speak about…looking back, I think that quarky side was a good thing. It gave me a kind of resilience. (No. I don’t actually mean, “quirk”.)
What was/is your quarky side? Was it protective? I’ve learned that a lot of people have another side to them. It can be a helpful tool. For some people, it is humor. I know a few people with “alter egos.” Not in a clinical sense. Rather, for joking and having fun, making people laugh. Comedians often do this when making fun of the way people behave.
My point is, it helps to find a way or meditation to help practice unidentifying with life’s B.S. and, all of the feelings that have been a part of it all.
So why aren’t we our emotions?
First let me clear up some things- I am not talking about intuition nor, instincts. Those are two separate topics. Intuition is our inner voice. Instincts is a gut reaction that we have because we are animals with ego and ego is all about surviving. Many of us have evolved into people who can do better than to just have a mindset of survival. Though I know this planet is still being run by a small group who is still very much about ego and survival. I know. I live here too and I know proof of evolution seems scarce. It’s not though…I think what we lack is the “practice” mindset.
Emotions are the expressions of our feelings.
Feelings are a little more complicated.
A person first has to be able to discern between feelings from our scared ego vs. a tool from which we can navigate our lives.
Does this make more sense?
An example: I know this eleven year old girl who can easily solve most puzzles- stuff I know most adults don’t solve in 5-10 min. I watch her and I think she is amazing. I saw that she was proud of this particular ability. In general, she likes solving problems and building things. To me, these are super powers the world needs. Last year, she got a B in a subject that is supposedly considered an easy A for anyone else. Some of the adults starting calling her lazy. They also said that they were disappointed in her because, “she is clearly only interested in dumb girly things, now.” “She changed but, she is almost a teen. Teens are what they are.” Lazy, dumb girly things, teen…words used in a low way don’t encourage people in a healthy way. This girl told me that she feels bad because now she feels dumb. She told me that she didn’t do well on one single test- she got a low B. This one test was given so much weight over her grade that it brought down her final grade- which would have been an A. And this same test changed the view everyone had of her and the way she felt about herself.
Do you see how flip floppy feelings can be? Feelings can be simple byproducts. This leads to how we emote these feelings out into the world which further leads to so many other things. It is a cycle we generate among each other- either raising up or raising down each other.
This girl still has her super powers but, her confidence was shaken and so was her perception based on the input of others and a grading system. I think most of us who have gone through higher ed and the circus that is “work,” know that a single test from elementary school amounts to very little in the adult world. Yet, the pressure on these kids can be overwhelming and completely unnecessary.
That little girl is still who she was before the test but, will she remember that? Will she eventually discern between the feelings she developed due to her surroundings verses the way She Actually Feels from the knowledge she has of the situation. Sometimes, it seems like we have a way of soaking up the feelings of the people around us. These soaked up feelings aren’t actually the way we feel, personally. Being around a sad person can bring us down. Being around a happy person can lighten us up.
We don’t have to be the feelings generated from life’s challenges.
Another little girl thought from decades before
I told you I was a little weird…I used to wonder who I was, as a soul. I used to wonder what I did in Heaven before my life started. When I prayed I used to pray to family and friends and my guardians and I used to talk about what kind of work I wanted to do “next time.” I knew I didn’t want another human life. I remember praying that I wanted to be a guardian like the ones I prayed to.
My point is, as a little girl, I knew that you and I were more than people living these lives. I love when I see that knowledge in other people. It feels so good to be in the company of your true tribe.
Still unsure about how you feel or think about Identification?
If you are still wondering who you are, know that many ancient philosophers have asked the same question…higher level stuff to which other philosophers have answered, “You are nothing.” ( as in, you are nothing to be understood here, on Earth. Not some negative idea of “nothing”). And, whatever your truer essense is, can’t be lost or altered, not by a name, a title or anything.
Even Shakespeare’s Juliet was trying to dissect how she could love an enemy of her family. Romeo was made into an enemy based on his family name. Romeo and Juliet were characters known mainly as lovers but they could easily be examples of how identification with the insignificant things have really messed with our human experience.
Speaking of love
I watch people feel proud of their “acceptance” of alternative lifestyles. “Oh, he is my friend. Did you know he is gay?” It’s a tone, sometimes. It’s great that we are becoming more accepting but, the fact that we still have labels for love is…outdated and it still puts people into categories of identification. Besides, who really cares one way or another.
Moving on to another topic that is often brought up , in any mental health discussion- faith.
What if you are an Atheist?
At the heart of this topic, I don’t think religion matters. I am adding this section because religion seeps into mental health topics, frequently but, that makes sense here in the U.S. Identifying with religion or identifying with Atheism is common, here. There are people in the world who don’t necessarily think about religion, in the same way. Do you know that many people throughout the world celebrate religious holidays simply to celebrate, have an excuse to be with people and to express love and gratitude? Aren’t some Americans like that, as well?
A person who TRULY feels that nothing exists past physical death may even be closer to Acceptance and Letting Go of the b.s. Maybe this person doesn’t need answers or, forgiveness. Some people may even argue that identifying with religion has been a major hindrance to peace on Earth or, to the human condition, in general. Who we are as people doesn’t have to be defined by beliefs. I have only known a few true Atheist. These individuals have hearts, are centered, very smart and open enough to entertain different ideas. One of these people told me that he identified as an Atheist because, that was his experience of life. He never saw a ghost or a reason to assume there was something more. He added that he did not like many aspects of religion nor, the way people handle having different faiths, on the planet. He questioned history including religious texts. He said that what he knew of religion seemed to mainly involve people and violence and mysterious entities somewhere in the background. I understood. As a little girl, I would have quickly agreed that the violence in the bible was scary and horrible no matter what was happening. Unlike this person, I have seen ghosts and I can feel them. Though, I don’t know what that actually proves, a part from seeing that some part of us seems to survive death.
I know some of you lovable people out there in the dark abyss of the web would/have ask(ed), “How do you know that what you saw was a ghost?” “Maybe the way you identify as an individual, shaped your experience of “seeing” an entity.” “Maybe ghosts are other worldly beings or, maybe they are projections!”
That is why I love you. It’s a perfect response to what this post is all about. How do any of us know anything based on our limited understanding of the universe. Everything from stress, fatigue, medications, identification, etc., can alter the way we see and understand our experience of life.
…And so to bring this topic back from the paranormal…
What is self-esteem?
I think we need to be mindful of how we teach our children about “self-esteem.” Self-esteem has a lot to do with how we identify in the world. Once we begin to stop identifying with everything, the idea of self- esteem begins to naturally fall away. We become people who either feel confident that we can successfully do something or, people who benefit from practicing more.
Ideas on Free Will can also be a slippery slope into limitations
I accept that I don’t know what life is…what if life is actually a video game or a movie, entertaining other people? What if we remembered that we don’t have to be players or actors and went completely rogue for the sake of happiness.
No, I am not someone who thinks 100% free will exists. Human beings run interference on each other all of the time, in ways we don’t even realize unless, we are living more aware.
Awareness is noticing the subtle details as they happen, in your life.
Notice you and if needed become reacquainted with yourself. Observe what gets you excited, makes you feel lighthearted. How do you experience love and how do you give it back?
Look at what you eat and notice your body’s reaction to the foods you eat.
Numb less.
We are much more than anything we could ever identify with, on Earth but, you can have fun and enjoy your time here. Explore life and this beautiful planet!
Happy Lunar New Year!
