Time out for children is actually about making space and allowing feelings.

Sometimes we feel angry, disappointed, or frustrated, and that is okay.  Until, we begin to see ourselves in other people we may feel angry or sad a lot. There are a lot of reasons to feel these feelings.  Sometimes, we aren’t even sure why we feel a certain way.  Feelings can be complicated (until they’re not) for adults.  Now, lets consider children…they have limited vocabulary, limited experiences, limited understanding of the world. Sometimes this does not work in their favor- especially when relating to adults.

First, I will dive right into how I approach time out.  Further down, I will write about why it’s important to avoid labeling our children and why empathy is important to demonstrate to our children.

I always try to appeal to them, first.  I actually want them to want to make certain choices.  As the boys have grown, this has worked. They have become more able to act with empathy.  However, it is a process and sometimes they benefit from having space- timeout. Children don’t always display the same amounts of empathy, and rule setting becomes important while teaching about empathy.

Things to consider with regards to time out:

1. Time out has an age limit and a parent is best at feeling when the time out age has passed. However, letting a person have space is always age appropriate.
2. Sometimes a parent has to be creative.
3. Be consistent
4. Children may have to learn that you are serious with time out. They might test you…a lot…but eventually they will get it.

Basic steps:

1. Pick a spot that is made safe but away from other people. If a young child can still see other people, it can be instigating.  The goal isn’t to constantly test them or to torture them.  The goal, for me, is to have the child cool down, learn consequences, and to get everyone to a point where communication can happen again.
2. In the long run, an extremely uncomfortable area may work against you and the message is lost. My point- I think a decent chair is okay.  I have heard some parents go out of their way to make time out horrible.  This does seem to always loop around back to giving the parent a horrible time out experience as well.  Which might be why time out doesn’t work for some people, in part.
3. Time out time- one minute for each year in a child’s age. A 4yr old would typically get 4 minutes. This might not seem like enough time, but remember attention spans are limited, and the minutes seems to move slower for children.  Also, it is also about sustaining the use in time out, until they become too mature for it.
4. Be consistent. Try not to use time out as a threat.  Instead, carry through with the consequence.  However, I only give time out, when I saw what happened.  I have seen some parents always take the word of one child.  This can harbor resentment.  If I am unsure who did what, but I can plainly see a disastrous outcome (in whatever form), they both go to time out together. There were times when both my sons could have done things different and they chose not to.  In life, being divided also has consequences that affect the whole group.  I put them in time out together, because I noticed that they get over being angry faster, maybe because they are experiencing the consequence together. It’s like a bonding experience.  I like that, because the heavy feelings go away faster and we can move on.
5. When the boys are still visually upset, by the end of time out, I walk in and try to feel what is wrong…most of the time they wanted to be hugged or held. I go to them and hug them. Sometimes, it’s best to sit next to them, and let them come to me. Then, they would calm down and we could talk.  I told them I loved them and reexplained why they went to time out.
6. Change happens as a process. If a child isn’t used to time out, it may be fair to expect them to stay upset. Help them to time out, in the beginning.  Watch your tone and actions, the best you can.  When the boys were about 2yrs old, they began testing me.  So, I began giving them options.  If they didn’t go to time out on their own I’d ask, “Do you want me to carry you or do you want to walk on your own.”  They hated to be carried to time out, so this worked, for me.  I used a room for time out, so that I could close the door and hold it closed, until they learned I really meant they had to stay in the room.  A child may test you in every way possible, but it is up to us to safely teach that consequences are real.  Be creative, but safe …for you and your child. I tried to be as hands off as possible- meaning I wanted them to cooperate with out being carried, without a door having to be held closed…This is healthy, but also safer.  I am petite, and my sons are big and sturdy for their ages.  Trying to use power as a means to control them, was never much of an option, for me.  I try to treat them as equals, but I stay sensitive to the fact that there is an inherent difference in power, for now.

We are not our actions or our feelings.  I might say, “hitting animals is unkind” I don’t say, “You are unkind.”  I don’t normally look to psychology to fill in all of the blanks. I don’t believe it is unlike many other fields, and I won’t say much else on that…However, there are some things I will mention. Carl Rogers said that in order to become self-actualized there are three main components- relationships with people that are genuine, relationships with people that are accepting, and relationships with people that are empathic.  This means that people foster growth by being true, by being understanding of the choices we make, and by trying to “walk in our shoes” to understand us.  I try to be a safe place for my boys. In a world filled with all kinds of challenges and judgment, I want them to have a place to run to, or at least a healthier example of what a healthy person is like.  Learning to run to a person who labels and judges you, is like running to a mallet smashing you into the ground, rather than to encourage you to spread your wings and fly.  And, it’s not that we need someone to encourage us, but often times we learn to be like the people around us.  What people say to their children, their children will remember. Often, we remember how many times we were told that we were bad, that we were stupid, that we can’t do this or that, that we were lazy, or hot tempered. 

 Reasons why we are labeled “bad kids” (take it back to a time someone judged you)

1. The person judging you, didn’t have the full story.
2. The person judging you had a different view of the world.
3. The person judging you already didn’t like you, making it impossible to reach out to them anyway.
4. The action itself wasn’t “bad”, but it embarrassed the person judging you.

I’m sure you can think of other examples.  My point is that labels don’t fully explain the person or child.  People aren’t their actions or their feeling, and this is why I separate the three (people, actions, and feelings). Here are some examples on how to not label a child–

“I didn’t agree with that response,”

“You’re my son and I will always love you, but I don’t understand your choice.”

“That action was unkind. Hitting hurts.”

Empathizing can be taken to another level (but we can also apply it to our kids) …We often assume that we would make better choices, than other people, in a given situation.  Here’s why that can be a faulty assumption—everything you know about the world is from your life that you are experiencing right now.  It’s a different perspective.

The more we know about someone the more opportunities we have to relate to them.  For some of us, this first happens with our parents.  As children, we think they are mean or dumb.  Then, we grow up and have adult experiences and understand our parents as people.

Empathy can happen in many other ways. To better understand or empathize with someone, try to remove your experiences from the equation.  Now replace it with what you know about the person.  That isn’t easy and how much do you really know about that other person. One example-  If you have grown up in a first world country, with grocery stores and in a place where the government actually gives welfare (though it isn’t much), can you imagine living in a country experiencing war?  It’s happening, almost continually. If this were our situation, would our priorities or anything be different?–just an example…(because I’m also about people unifying, not dividing and fighting…)- Yet, we continually judge each other. We forget to stop and to consider our actions and the consequences (no habit for space or “time out”) .  Even the most basic lessons we teach as parents, can be applied on a grander level. Does this make sense, or have I lost you?

I write this because this is how we open up to each other, how we forgive, and understand that we are all people…sometimes I think it is all about timing.  We have all hurt someone, been hurt, been kind, been needy or manipulative…maybe?  We have been all of these things.  Our labels of good and bad can only be named in relation to one another.  This is a dance that changes, according to the players involved and the timing in which we interact.  It is also how we become teachers, and sometimes teachers do it best with time out and allowing space.

Summary:

Embrace time out as a way to allow space for cool downs and reflection, no one is their actions or feelings, so I try to be careful with my words- no labeling of people. I try to see a bigger picture, even with the simple everyday things.  I try to show empathy, so that my boys will feel safe to open up to me.  My hope is that they will also demonstrate healthy behaviors and expect the same from others in their circle.  Forgiveness can be a challenge, but when we begin to see a bigger picture, it becomes harder to hold a debt over someone who may be acting in a way we can suddenly empathize with.  Because, the more we know about someone the more opportunities we have to relate to them.

My sons sound happy (AKA loud).  I want to go to time out.

Be the light in your circle, and remember everything is a process- even time out.