Some people communicate well with words. Some people communicate with actions, better. Or through art, body language ( even a mere glance)…or through touch or even through the use of technology and codes. So many ways to speak. I would say that even the way someone or something is presented, communicates messages- so, for me, presentation, also speaks.
This post is about the various ways we all communicate, some of the hangs ups with so many of us communicating differently, the unique ways we communicate within a given culture, triggers involved in communicating, and some last tidbits on other things and something I just saw in the ‘news’ was so interesting to me. There are many levels to the way we communicate. They are levels to the ways that we connect because, Communication transcends official languages.
I will write about a few levels of communications. This isn’t really about communication style. Rather, more about languages.
For the purpose of this post, the word, language, is not being used solely as a dialect, mother tongue, vernacular used by a particular nation. In this post, language, can be anything conveying a message- spoken or not.
(Bear with me on this…I will try to keep this post outwardly organized. My mind is always internally organized, for me.)
Since we communicate in different ways, communication can be a challenge. Our antennas don’t always pick up frequencies or waves. We may even struggle to accept information, if we only see words as a way to properly communicate. We easily second guess a lasting impression or vibe if words weren’t used or, if something wasn’t overt… even if something was, felt or even seen.
We are amazing for so many reasons. One amazing thing is that so many of you, Feel. Maybe you are not fluent in the chosen communication tool, like body language or whatever…but, you can still feel the transmission of shared communication.
Can you think of ways people may communicate without conversation?
Is there anything that is a barrier to the various ways people communicate?
Below are levels of communication (and why any of this stuff matters).
Let’s get into a very base level of communication
Most of us need to feel connection. We want to be heard by our loved ones. When there is a struggle in a relationship or other dynamics we say things like, “Our communication has broken down to nothing.”
It is possible that the struggle with communication was never the symptom. It may have been the actual challenge.
How do you prefer to communicate?
Can you observe the way other people prefer to communicate?
If you can observe a person’s chosen “language,” can you reach that person easier? With practice?
I know, it isn’t a guarantee that a person will hear you or your intentions…still, love is in the effort and in the doing even if it is a practice of communication…
“Erica, I have no freaking idea what her “language” is!”
Let’s keep it basic…for now.
Remember communication can be done through, Action. Some people want to be shown how you feel by you doing house chores, helping with the kids. -The language of doing
Still, some want words, they want to hear, “Thank you.” “I love you.”—the language of words
Are you artists? What do you convey through your art form? You’re a deep thinker or feeler so, what could she be picking up on? —language through art
Is affection an issue? I have heard people say, “After we argue, I feel like she doesn’t love me, anymore.” After these feeling were explored a man explained that his wife refused to hug him during tough times. Ultimately, he discovered that he feels love through touch, not necessarily sex. Just touch, in general. So, for him an argument was heightened when he felt or perceived rejected by his wife. She wouldn’t go near him and he didn’t have the words to explain his feelings, before. So, she hadn’t previously understood that his need for touch wasn’t him trying to “avoid” confronting issues…until he broke down in front of her over feeling rejected. At the moment that they finally understood each other, she immediately softened up hugged him and apologized for her part. She explained that it was never her intention to make him feel rejected. She explained that she felt the need to use words to talk through things and that she thought he was shutting down as well as, trying “to pretend like nothing was happening.” –a man’s language through touch vs. the woman’s language for straight talk.
Consider the triggers in a given language
Why do triggers matter?
Because things get lost in translation as shown in the example above. Then, triggers heighten the miscommunication.
Unrealized and unacknowledged triggers or, the things that frustrate you can easily be the way some people would “bond” with you in order to control your movement. Commercials (even the subtle advertisements in entertainment), particular speakers, politicians, personalities in the news, clever everyday people with agendas, etc. appeal to your emotions and triggers everyday. The questions is, how many of us notice as its happening?
Another level of communication in cultural differences
When someone speaks our “language,” whether it is the language of music or the language of struggle or whatever, it draws us in. We can HEAR them and may even feel a connection to the person who speaks the same language. We may even give value to that persons, without actually knowing them.
I will use myself as an example. I vibe with art and cleanliness and straight talk and people who appreciate beauty in their surroundings, like buildings and food and well, everything. Have you been to Paris, France? If you have been then, you can imagine the effect Paris had on me. From the moment I saw this city to the first time I stepped into one of it’s museums, looked up, my breathing literally slowed and tears formed in my eyes. Time stopped, for me. I wasn’t expecting my physical reaction to the Parisian environment, and museums because I had already seen so much in pictures. But somehow, the language had not translated in these pictures. While I was there, having an experience of the actual place, I felt like I had found my tribe…one of the reasons why I may love to travel…meeting people and seeing places I somehow feel an immediate connection too…
I was once told by a French man, that a lover is seen as an extension of a man. He cared about the way his girlfriend presented herself, not to control her rather they represented each other. After visiting France, I might also believe that buildings, food and well, most things were done in a way to express, the mindset of, “this is an extension of myself.” There is a pride that is visible. This is only my tourist observation so, I could be wrong.
As I travel(ed) I see that nations also seem to have their own nonverbal language. As an American, I would say that many Americans speak a language through work. Many of us express ourselves by the way we work, the number of hours and by how much we give to our employers- sometimes as a way to express love for our families (even to our own detriment, skipping meals or finding fast food so that we can fit everything into our day) I would say it is a language and I don’t mean any of it as a criticism. I know that many of you give everything you have to your work so, that your family can have more. I get it. I truly do. Can you see that the mindset of, food is an expression of one’s self…may not fit exactly, here. Neither an inherently good nor bad thing, just different.
My point?
Culture is another way to communicate. It is a general language of a group of people.
My experiences of these countries communicated a language, though they are different ways to communicate. Neither inherently good or bad if there is awareness and balance and acceptance for each other (why do we all have to be the same anyway!).
I compared these two countries because I have seen French and Americans trigger each other. “Why are they so sloppy and fat? It is so rude to not even try to speak the language of the country you visit. Typical American tourist expecting the world to bend for them.” Vs. “Why are they so lazy and stuck up. I work hard for my family and have no time to sit around learning some language.” I actually really heard these criticisms.
In my experience, neither statement is entirely true for either country. What I see is that there are two different ways to live- different cultures, different levels of exposure to the world, different ways of seeing the way to live and different ways to express oneself.
Both very special countries…to me. But then, what country isn’t special with it’s unique style and then…there are all of us individuals. All of us offer something special to this world, especially with our diversity.
For me, a trigger could easily be when someone is judging a place without the actual experience of the place. So many of us Americans don’t leave the country and I get it. It’s expensive to book a flight half way across the world plus passports…but the judgement I have heard…Another trigger may be when someone is minimizing art because, for me, art is special to human beings. Programmed robots and apps aren’t a true substitute for human expression. Art created by our hands, hearts and minds may as well be channeled beauty of life and love and existence. For me, being human is enough because of all that we are capable of…and to me, are own capability sans apps is huge and amazing. I truly feel this way…so my triggers could be the devaluing of the human condition, minimizing art, insulting the Parisian way of life, certain people and entities abusing the American way of life. I stay aware of these triggers so that I am aware of my reactions…to stay clear, level headed and not played or used as a tool or as a subservient worker bee. To remember that People are awesome and that maybe we are actually frustrated with something else, not truly frustrated with each other (like when political languages enter the mix. Most of us have no clue what happens abroad, under our flags…I’m not limiting myself to just what happens under the U.S. flag. We don’t have the only politicians and corporations misbehaving.)
Moving on to communicating through WORDS
We use words so often. It would seem natural to think we were all eloquent speakers. Are we? Sometimes, we aren’t even sure about what the other person is trying to express. Then, we respond with assumptions.
Ok, not you but, I have definitely made my fair share of (terribly wrong) assumptions. Looking back, why didn’t I just ask for some clarity? I don’t know. At the time, I think I was trying to avoid a potential argument or maybe I was already bothered by something else and I never cleared that first issue so, it was all just mounting until the final assumption was made…another wrong assumption, again.
Words! Why Do They Always Get In The Way?
So
So, when someone spoke well and even pulled on my heart strings, I would be drawn to that person, easier. Then, I started to really notice and observe words. As I grew older I began to see how words affected people. I not only felt like I had allowed myself to be played but, I also saw other people being played like puppets, through words. I don’t just mean in personal life but, in so many areas. It got so that I could easily predict situations by seeing who was more aware and eloquent vs. who was being played. I know that many of you can do this too. Even Trigger words are used as tools, to appeal to all of us or, to rally us into division. Let’s not get so caught up in the fight that we forget about the reason for why we cared, in first place.
Can you think of words that conjure up strong emotions?
Are there words that are used to minimize a person’s opinion or, to be divisive?
See if you can observe these words or even vibes , in your life.
Why do triggers matter? Because we all speak different languages and we don’t always see when something is being used unfairly or we don’t see unfairness…but, we don’t have the “language” proficiency to stop it…unless we are more aware.
Are there other trigger words that are politically correct to use but, may actually be hurtful or damaging, in some way?
What about in other “languages?” Are their triggers in the language of art? Are there triggers in language of presentation, etc.? What does a suit and tie suggest? A ponytail vs a polished haircut- why do looks matter so much? Are we only skin deep, ultimately.
Personally, I think men and woman should be comfortable. Loosen the noose that is a tie and, wear your hair however. You can pull off anything. Just keep your head up high. Be comfortable in your own skin- that looks really good on you! Yeah, I like that! You know…you really are a natural beauty.
Ok, getting back to it.
“What can I do if I don’t SPEAK the same “language” as my daughter or, my partner? We argue easily.”
Things to consider-
Sometimes people use the same word, in different ways. Figure out what that person means to say by asking questions. Try not to make assumptions. Remember, that we all communicate in multiple, and in different ways.
Sometimes, a person is defensive because they are scared- appeal to the fear, not to the aggressiveness.
At times, kids let their feeling out through hobbies. What does your daughter like to do and is she possibly expressing herself through her hobby? Notice how she communicates in the nonverbal ways but, let me give you another example…
Years ago, during a therapy session, a mom explained that she was having problems with her son. She explained that everything was great except when the boy’s dad came to the house. Mom and dad were divorced but, they were thinking about getting back together. The “problem” was that the son would become very angry and “out of control” whenever the mother spoke about dad coming to the house.
The mother told me things like, “My son always throws it in my face the problems my ex and I had, in the past, and that my ex still does some of the things he used to do. My son threatens to runaway if dad stays here.”
Things her ex did involved: him physically abusing her, gambling, drinking and randomly leaving for a week at a time.
Kids and parents don’t always communicate well because, words can be tricky. We don’t all use words to truly communicate. Plus, words mean different things to different people.
“Safe” can mean no gunshots for one person.
“Safe” can mean not mentally draining or, not a stressor for someone else.
The son would probably never say, “I don’t feel safe with dad, around….” Instead the boy would say things like, “It’s him or me. I won’t be around him, anymore.”
The woman cried when she finally understood the reason for the boy’s behavior- her son didn’t want to leave. He wanted to feel safe. The woman had not immediately understood her son’s behavior because, the dad had never hurt the boy. Plus, she believed that the boy had not known about money issues.
She had assumed that the adult issues had not translated into issues for the boy.
To understand a person’s nonverbal communication (like an emotion or expression) consider the ROOT issue not, the surface issues.
I hope I explained that ok.
In my experience, most people are so similar but, our language or preferred way to communicate is what is the main difference. Not much else.
Technology
This post wouldn’t be complete without writing about the language of technology
“Erica, you pick on technology, a lot.”
Yes, I do. And yes, I speak about it in broad terms because, it is a vast field. It is also a field with a fast momentum and seeming to evolve faster than anything else. It is a field that is easy to support because, it easily demonstrates that it can create ease in our hectic lives.
We can easily connect and communicate with technology.
This field is growing so fast that it could be easy to forget ethics, privacy issues, and it could leave people vulnerable- This is really a topic of it’s own and, too much for this post. However, these are the reasons why I “pick on” technology. While I am grateful for technology, I am first for people and Our growth.
If I am watching this field and telecommunications, it is because I see people falling into lustful love with technological capabilities. People have their own superpowers. We can’t turn our backs on our own evolution. People capability is separate from android and apple capability. Yet, the two are merging quickly
How does technology affect the way people discern each other and gather information, in their environment? Are other ways to communicate being impacted? Is this ok?
How do you feel about the ethics involved ? Any privacy concerns?
Ever consider the cameras and microphones to be a concern- not everyone in every techy position runs on ethics yet, we seldom wonder who has remote access. We take our devices everywhere…then, there are the apps and how these apps need access to various aspects of our phones. Sometimes, I get why these apps need access. Sometimes things don’t make sense…
That’s what I have to say for now. The boys need to get outside. Their bike rides are 15, 20 miles long so, this writing needs to stop, for today. This motherhood thing is going to kill me. Or, a new me will rip out of this body. How did I give birth to them? Plus they are already more than half my size. They are still so young.
I really hope my thoughts translated. Take care.
P.S.
Are you following a routine? Following a routine can be helpful if you are feeling down or just lower. Brushing teeth, bathing, getting dressed, staying hydrated, watching your diet, are simple ways to stay a little more motivated while we get through all of this.
Oh and one more thing…In my circle there are bankers saying,” We are about to be state run.” The states are about to control banks. Yeah, I know…with the mystery behind who may be really controlling the Federal Reserve, the state may already be controlling banks.
BUT, lets never forget that the states are supposed to be PEOPLE run.
Lets remember that we are a PEOPLE run country. Lets never let this slip through our hands or forget who we are… What we say, comes first- remember this. As life continues stand your ground together. Lets not fall for more of the same, no matter how appealing some new “leader” may be. Let’s promise to put each other and our kids first, above boosting someone else up to supposedly lead.
You are a leader too. Actually we all have that potential.
I say this because I see a momentum building. I have seen it happening for sometime and long before this virus.
Okay okay, I just saw some headlines. I have to say, that only on this planet would you see a millionaire calling the coronavirus “the great equalizer.” I’m sure people on the street feel different. I’m sure the people who are no longer sure how to pay their bills feel different (as a child, I idolized you. I felt like I could relate to you. I thought you could SEE clear). This same person also donated a large sum of money to a foundation run by billionaires. All kinds of crazy… Oh and in case you all don’t know, foundations have long been a way (for the wealthy) to avoid paying taxes. I mean, if you have billions of dollars, why not just do the charity work sans creating an official foundation.
So, be careful with assuming a billionaire is a saint because, he has a foundation or because, other people are encouraged to write about how “concerned” he is for…anyone or anything. Or, because they put up schools in improvised areas of the world and other people do the everyday work ….
Then these “foundation directors” do an interview for a magazine for how much they care….these people know that image and presentation speaks for the less aware population. While the “foundations”, schools or, whatever, may help some people there is still such a severe lack of balance when one side reaps much more benefit multiplied by every billionaire with a so called cause. I am so tired of hearing about these modern day (bought) saints. Just do the work, if you care so much and stop leaking out, all that you do.
Cut through the b.s.
Watch triggers and watch the different ways a message is conveyed.
We are together in whatever comes- you and me.
You and Me.