Gender wars, wars on nationality, ethnicity, social class, political parties have all been waged.  Who is stronger? Who deserves more privilege? Who should raise who up?  When I look out and see how people slave away at jobs they didn’t dream of, I wonder if we could all use a boost.

Can we really be empowered, if it is at the cost of someone else?  As I raise my boys, I never want them to feel second to anyone.  If they feel less than someone else, they will teach others to feel the same.  As I raise my sons, I see that they gain from empowered men AND empowered women with different looks and stories.  

Further down the page I list things I do with my boys, to express equality.

While watching a man eat his dinner, in my peripheral view, I knew something I felt was true…

He was hunched over his meal, looking tired.  Some people are books and you can read them.  Their story is in their posture, the clothes, the type of footwear, the hair, the words they choose, the tone, the hands.  Some people become their story. He was a businessman wearing an expensive suit.  He looked like he had had a rough day, and it looked like it had been his first meal at 7pm.  There was just something very telling about him.  He wasn’t my image of a well- dressed business man.  It was as if his whole life had been rough.  Sometimes, clothes don’t hide that…

Did I empathize with this young, well clothed man, with no children at his table.  Yes, I did.  I saw his eyes.  I can empathize with a lot of people.  I actually see that a lot of people can relate to each other, when ears and hearts are open.

Consider this, both genders and all races have been enslaved in human history.  On some level, I wonder if that is where some fears originated… is this why we see difference before we see how we are all on the same team.

Often, parents pass down to their children, the behaviors they were taught by the previous generations.  Is it really a stretch to consider that we may be teaching empowerment in a divisive and less inclusive manner?  Our human history demonstrates that we understand dominant and submissive.  So, can that even begin to imply equality?  Yet, we attempt to give different groups an upper hand by always keeping another group down.  It’s not always the same look or group, but the idea of one before the other is the same tact.  To go a step deeper, this divisive tendency is often done unconsciously and intended to be for the good.   We want to be fair, but end up fighting and divided.  For examples, look at the history of our political system, look at how we treat each other.  I don’t feel that people start out angry, they end up angry or frustrated.  I feel we are stuck in a cycle that continues to solve problems by exclusion and division.  Labeling rather than community.

Though no war was ever won, there are times when it does feel like a battle…. how to teach equality when inequality and division are everywhere….

I will share with you the tiny things I do, but let me be totally honest, it has triggered some people…

Things I do for my kids, to instill less division and to show equality is ok:

1. I try to teach the boys about different cultures. Food is a great bridge for that, in my home.  One thing leads to another.  I can take them out to different restaurants and they see people who look a little different, but all of us eating together.  We enjoy middle eastern food, Caribbean food, Ethiopian, Indian food.  It’s a way to introduce young children, even if they are unable to travel far.  It’s a beginning.

2. Without pause, I let the boys play with “girl” things. Why is this even an issue? This is something some people have been angry to see.  The boys don’t care what they play with, but some adults are triggered when they see it.  What if one day they need to relate to a daughter or take care of a child, on their own?  Dolls aren’t harmful or toxic (most) (though they can be a little odd sometimes).  If we really believe everyone is equal, labeling activities or toys under a gender should stop. For example, when we teach that only one gender plays with dolls, it is divisive.  Division implies difference.  Difference leads to inflexibility and the slippery slope to who does what activity or action. That is when things become convoluted, manipulated and unequal.  Now, go to a toy department and see how unhelpful the packaging remains.

If you are worried that your child’s sexual orientation will be influenced by pink or dolls, consider this-  There is no scientific evidence to suggest people become gay or straight from these items.  In fact, science doesn’t really know what exactly is responsible for sexual preference.  It is a part of the person, like his/her arms or eye color.  There are lots of interpretations and theories, that’s it.  Let me ask this? Does it matter?  In my opinion, there is nothing broken, nothing in need of solving.

I am grateful my children are alive and healthy, sharing this experience with me.  I am so grateful.

3.  I try to expose the boys to people with different challenges. My aim is to normalize the different ways a challenge can look, and to normalize wheelchairs or behaviors.  It is a start to do this with videos, plus it is a safe way to openly start a little dialogue.

4. The boys like fluffy socks. Sometimes I can find them in red or green.  I can always find them in pastel colors.  So, yes, they have pastel fluffy socks.

If they like something, different from the stereotypical boy stuff, I honor it.  Something pink is still good enough and as good as something blue.

5. I speak up when someone says something against my boys or says something demeaning about girls or the stereotypical girl things. For example, when someone uses the word, “girly” in an offensive way, it says more about how they must treat their women and daughters.  Girly doesn’t imply weak. I speak up because I feel strongly inclined to give my sons an equally powerful voice opposing talk against a group of people. I watch my words and try to be balanced.  I don’t want anger or aggression.  That serves nothing.  If we want change….be it.
6. So what if men or boys have long hair (just throwing that in). Hair doesn’t make the whole person.  I experienced this as another trigger for people.

These examples are small but my goal is to take away division, in a doable/livable way, for a child.

Yes, society will also impact the way a child perceives his world, but that is why I use my voice and watch my own actions.  In my own tiny world, I am intending balance and unity.  Ultimately, it is the unification of all of our tiny worlds that make the big change.  It isn’t up to one person or one big thing.  Equality and even peace involves everyone.