In the past, I’ve had people ask me if the birth order of our children impacts them.  “The first kid is always the successful one, right?”  “Why are my younger kids less intelligent?”

These were real questions, by concerned parents.

The thing we often forget, is how the situation in the home has changed.  We also forget how our own experiences affect our children.

I will admit this…my own younger sibling understands concepts faster (not much faster) in a quieter way, and is maybe more free spirited than I am.  We also appear to be opposites.  We are actually very similar.  Sometimes, I think our differences came from how we were treated. How we were treated may have altered our chosen paths, maybe…or maybe not…who’s to say?

What was your experience like, with your siblings? Were you treated the same as your brothers and sisters? Has your childhood impacted the way you parent?  I think balance is something to remember and practice. Below are the simple things that we forget (but I think we know).  In the rush of life our actions can be less intentional.  Being intentional is a practice to embrace.

Here is a simple list of things to keep in mind, in case you’re are curious.

Observations on how we may have been treated different or how we treat our children different:

1. The first-born children tend to be taught lessons by the parents or guardians. This is usually a little more discreet, than having a child sibling teach something to a younger child. This can be one way we begin to perceive our children as different- when one is teaching the other. This can be when labels start, “the smart one” “the lazy one” “the sweet one”.  We begin to see the label given to our children, even if we weren’t the one to label the child. Children often learn how to become a label.
2. I have heard a lot of parents mention that it was easier with more kids, because the older kids can help with the other children. Kids are awesome teachers and this isn’t an inherent challenge. It can become a challenge, if a child begins to think she should take care of everyone else or that she doesn’t have an opportunity to develop her own sense of self.  Who is she/he without other people to care for?
3. The “black sheep” in the family can be the sensitive person in the family. The sensitive kid can be the one letting you know if something in the house is “off”. Not with words necessarily, but with their actions.  For example, sometimes kids are missing their parents…Or, they wish they knew how to make us happy (but they know they can’t do that, and yes, kids do feel like this) …
4. Older kids have age on their side. They have had more time to practice everything.  The world isn’t as illogical to them.
5. Kids can distract each other, and this is especially true for the younger children. BTW, this doesn’t necessarily have to do with intelligence. Siblings distract while learning to tie shoes, while getting through the teens, and while choosing a path.
6. Children will use the words they know how to use, or the words they have heard. Sometimes, we have to observe body language or actions.  Properly communicating is hard, even for adults.  Waiting for a child to tell us if something is wrong, may lead nowhere.  A lot of us struggle to speak up first.
7. Some younger kids don’t have a chance to shine without someone else sharing the spotlight. Or, some older kids aren’t allowed to shine without their babysister, twin, etc.
8. Parents are tired. In a way, all parents are finding their own path and yes, it requires a lot from us. This can impact what we are doing, and usually it does…
9. Parents may compare their childhood to their kids’ childhoods and make decisions in this way. We forget that our past situations can be very different from our children’s childhoods.  For example, maybe you were growing up in the 1980’s- the material world decade.  Maybe you wanted prestige and money.  Maybe you didn’t want to be like your parents, who didn’t have money.  Maybe your children are now growing up with money and they don’t care about prestige or titles.  If we have given our children what we didn’t have, then their starting point is different.  How awesome that they may have desires that are better that survival.  Honestly, a lot of kids want to be free in their life.  They expect happiness, not necessarily a job title.  This isn’t being ungrateful. This is a knowing. They know what is true to them.  Maybe they don’t have the words to communicate that…Does this make sense?
10. Boys and girls aren’t always treated as equals in the family. Calling one child smart, and the other child cute is a common example of this.
11. Siblings aren’t always treated as equals in the family.
12. Expectations can be very unfair, especially where age and interests are concerned.
13. I’ve mentioned labels earlier. Sometimes, labels are considered cute or identifying –The Princess, The Boy. Labels can be blocks to growth. For example, encouraging ungratefulness or aggression can be a disservice to a child. Eventually, we outgrow the “cute”.
14. Step children are often treated different. Sometimes, they are seen as an extension of an ex- spouse.  They are just kids, trying to navigate a tricky situation.  They want to feel safe and loved. If they feel angry, well their feelings are valid too.  We are a safe place for our kids to be angry.
15. Mixed families often have family members that look different from each other. My sibling and I were treated different in society.  Like I said earlier, we aren’t that different.  Things were a bit easier for me, but for no reason I could see (aside from skin color). If you have had this experience, did anyone ever seem caught up in the physical differences between everyone- skin color, eye color, hair type or color?  It’s hard to hear other messages, when our  bodies are being compared.
16. Sometimes parents relate to one child, and start making assumptions. Kids like to “dance”.  They want to make us happy, even when it seems like the opposite is true.  They will easily morph into a little you- at their own cost (not free to be themselves).
17. Sometimes rebelling is one of two things- A) NOTICE ME or B) A free spirit—both are something to see. A NOTICE ME often wants you to prove they are worth you making the first move to recover a relationship, because this child may miss you. This is an opportunity to demonstrate what is more important. It is key to note that relationships that are mending, can take a while to mend.  It isn’t one thing we do with our kids, it’s several things we do over time. Our actions speak louder, because kids can smell the B.S. in words (just like some of us could, as kids). Free spirits seem to understand, from birth, that they can make their own happiness (and don’t tend to feel debt or obligation). That’s very cool to know at a young age!  We can encourage that while also encouraging kindness and compassion. And yes, there are some exceptions to why kids seem to be rebelling, like certain personality traits or various developmental challenges.

I think we can also let our kids practice communicating.  If it is safe, they will try to say little things or comment on how they feel.  That’s our door into their world.  Maybe it’s okay that they don’t have much of a filter. In time, they can learn how to fine tune their honesty without losing their ability to be true. Growing hearts is key, not taking away truth.  From there, we can help foster happy healthy kids, without repeating cycles.

Your kids are awesome.  We are pretty awesome too.