One of the obvious observations I have made, while parenting, is that our parental experiences can look different. However, it isn’t obvious to know how well we are engaging our children, while they are traveling through their own path. Are we communicating well?

Further below, I have listed ways I communicate with the boys.

The boys engage with people different.  On most days, they are eager to make friends when we are out in a public setting.  On other days, well…it is the total opposite.  It would be easy for someone to judge us / me.  On those days it’s easy to criticize myself.  I shut that voice down, and just try to fine tune as needed.

I am writing this as an encouragement.  We want it sometimes.

Anytime, we are making an effort to do ANYTHING different, the existing guidelines or rules just don’t work, there is nothing to compare too.  AND, since all kids are different ( and further, different at different times, the puzzle pieces are always moving- along with life.

If you are on a path you are forging yourself, I respect that- its takes a lot to make your own rules while your kids are giving you their unchecked behavior with nothing but brutal honesty (while everyone around is watching quietly. ).  I am stern when needed. So, I do make it clear, how I will be spoken to.  I don’t allow my children to treat me in a way that I wouldn’t tolerate from anyone else. However, we are at different stages in our lives and nothing is a perfect science.  My point is that I feel like the messiness in the experience of parenting, is parenting.  It’s giving our kids real experiences in a safe way. The trick is to not beat ourselves up, when the days aren’t perfect and to keep hearing our own voices/ heart.

Having an open line of communication has been essential for me.

Things I do to communicate with my boys:

–I make time to speak with them individually and privately.  In my home, this is often just before naptime and bedtime.

–I notice their interest, and appeal to them through those interest.  For example, I may say something like, “How is monkey monster truck, today? I get into their world by having an interest in their world.

–I always acknowledge their affection and return their hugs and “I love you’s”.

–I am clear with my words and actions, especially when I don’t agree with something. So, if we are playing and they don’t let me have a toy, I walk away. I don’t pretend that everything is okay and fun.  I mimic real life. They have actually responded to that by asking me to play again. Most times they will share afterwards.  I have noticed that they interact with random people at a park easier, than with family. I think this is true for most people- interacting with family is harder a lot of times.

–I don’t wait to clarify something once I notice confusion, or if I feel something is off, somehow.

–I ask simple questions about their day. I talk about my day.

–I make communication a regular practice.

–I continue to teach them about emotions and feelings.  I remind them that everything is ok (I think we have a tendency, as a species, to blow things out of proportion).

– I remind them to use their words, so that I can understand why they are crying or upset.

–In general, I encourage SPEAKING. And, I try to find ways to practice speaking with them.  This is so basic, yet it has been my observation that we don’t speak enough to children/ babies/teens.  I see parents speaking to each other, but not so much to their own kids. I understand how this happens, as a mom who spends a lot of time around her young children.  It is easy to miss conversation among adults, sometimes. I think it would be helpful to make children more a part of the dialogue and to encourage their input, earlier.  Communication has been everything, for me.

If you are like me, you have nothing for reassurance, no team, or book that speaks to you completely.

I think that’s ok, maybe even, a good thing.

There will always be people who think you should do what they would do.  They will even keep score with your kids- let them because you can’t control what they do or think. Trek forward anyway.