Teaching a child to do the right thing can be tricky. The right thing is a feeling, because it’s navigating the line between what is right by others, and ourselves…the “right” choice makes some of us feel light, not heavy or obligated. It isn’t a sacrifice. Helping a child to realize how his feelings are involved in his choices is a practice. It involves dialogue and real-life examples.

This is a little talk on going against our conditioning. I know that’s a weird word for some people- “conditioning” …I still think it’s the most truthful word for describing why we do some things (especially when those things feel wrong or cause more conflict and harm…)

Below are examples of some rules we can break.

Telling on someone can be right— More than once, I have seen the grown-ups choosing to call their child a tattle tale, when their child seemed to actually be trying to do the right thing- to protect someone. For example, I have seen parents call teens disloyal or tattle tales, for talking to the parents about the secret drug habits of other siblings. This parental approach doesn’t usually work well. In time, kids learn that their parents can’t protect them and this is one reason some kids stop respecting their parents. I know people have tried to differentiate between “tattle taling” and “telling on” but the two phrases are often confused by people.

Sometimes, we just get stuck in ideas about loyalty… Maybe people will not agree with this but I do think most of us have an unassuming nature. We want to do right by people. We have a hard time seeing the few who would exploit this quality in us.
This is why we must begin to learn how to see between the lines, even in areas of our lives where we have automatically given our trust and followed the rules…instead of discerning and saying “no more of this. It doesn’t work!”

In the corporate world and in Academia, a different word from tattle taling is used- “Whistleblower”. People are encouraged and supposed to be protected if they choose to speak out about illicit activity. Strange things happen though…People can become angry that someone would speak out against an organization or person. Words like “disloyal” or “liar” “criminal” etc. are thrown out at people who expose the wrong person. It’s strange because the exposed actions can be truly heinous or possibly only breaking the surface of something bigger and against humanity. Two known examples I am thinking about involved a well- known university (2011), and another case involving leaked information (2013) causing the informant to seek asylum.

We are taught “loyalty”, “patriotism”, “devotion”, to have ties that bind…but why? Who do these words serve the most?

Knowing when to say “no” and choosing not to help. In my home, we have a saying- “Bros Bros help Bro Bros.” When I noticed that my sons were becoming too dependent on me, I realized I hadn’t helped them to problem solve. I began facilitating opportunities for them to learn through learning how to work together (Community 101). They actually have fun most of the time- I think this is because I am less involved and they feel pride. The catch is, I have to thoroughly explain how to work together. I DON’T do their work. I direct, when necessary. For example, one child is told to hold a door open, while the other child is told to carry an object to be put away.

Another example of learning when not to help is, allowing one son to say no to helping the other brother. If one becomes dependent on the other brother, then, I intercept and take the lead. For this to work, a parent or guardian has to always be aware of new patterns emerging. Sometimes, children need to be encouraged, given directions again or sometimes, children are simply demonstrating a difference in preferences. Other times, children can be given a choice involving consequences. It depends on the child, parent and circumstance.

Once we realize the  patterns of behavior in our relationships and begin to see a more true picture, we are confronted with a choice. You’ll know when this is happening. It can feel freeing and exhilarating to break an unhealthy pattern. It feels like cuffs around your wrists have been cut.  I hope I’m making sense…patterns of behavior are everywhere, some are unhealthy, some are just a little too robotic.

If we are taught to recognize unhealthy patterns with people who do not truly have our best interest, my hope is that it will be easier to break free ( in whatever form it takes) because, it can be a real challenge- breaking ourselves free.

Knowing when to say “no” to the popular group– A lot of us get our first taste of this choice in school. Really, the popular group never goes away. In my life, I have seen that the “popular” group only changes individuals. In school, it’s usually the kids with privilege. In higher education, it’s the profs who have helped to market a university (usually through notoriety).

For a lot of adults, the popular groups are employers, family members, other parents, politicians, athletes, church members, celebrities…

The question we have to ask ourselves is, “Are we serving each other in an equal way or is someone getting more out of this deal? True answers have no excuses, masks, illusion, deceit or avoidance of answers (like answering with questions meant to redirect the conversation or to simply bombard a person with too much information) …

Sometimes we are unable to play nice. We will always know people who would use bullying as a way to take what they want. There are times when our children will have to stand up to others- with measure. Not for the sake of harming someone, but as an act for keeping safe. We don’t start fights, we look to avoid harm and suffering. If conflict arises, we look to diffuse or to stop conflict. Sometimes, a person cannot be met with tact but we still keep our heart and do only what is necessary. Harm to each other and our community, is not a win.

Breaking this rule is also personal to me. Even my own boys have spent five seconds underestimating me. Being a small framed female, who naturally wants to speak low, well… tact was useless for most of my life. I like to be quiet, on my own, let people do what they want…that has been misinterpreted for ignorance and passiveness. Now, I do occasionally raise my voice, show expression, and more freely give my opinion. It has helped people to hear me. I don’t worry about tact or being nice for the sake of it. As a person, I have allowed myself to be shaped in this way, and why I would never teach a child to just be nice.

Kindness is truthful and expects truth back. A kind person knows they should be heard along with the other members of the group. A kind person never assumes to know a person based on appearance. A kind person doesn’t use “sensitivities” to control or manipulate the actions of other.

The American Dream isn’t for everyone. Sometimes, expectations are imposed on our children (some of us had expectations imposed on us). Some people expect adult children to settle down with a family. Raising kids consciously and with awareness can be challenging. A big house with a picket fence is a big expense and a pain to clean. Taxes blast out into their own orbit every year, things need repair, the yard has to be maintained, furniture is expensive and not usually built to stand up to free spirited children and this list could go on. I want more freedom than this dream could ever give. Plus, owning property isn’t what it seems. There are plenty of ways people lose their property (or never actually owned it like they thought…) even if they pay/paid for it.

Our lives are more valuable than this “dream”. Where did this even come from… marketers, banks? Another fabricated idea imposed on us? I don’t know… but I didn’t dream this dream.

There are other rules to break.

The bottom line is that I want my boys to create their own dreams and along with love and kindness, be brave enough to make their own rules.