Listening is hugely underrated- I mean, truly listening and tuning out of our heads is a skill we learn. Most of us were not born with this skill and it takes practice.  To better communicate (which is how we can get through a lot of difficulties), we have to learn how to truly listen…

I know it sounds simple and obvious…but are you always understood or even heard, when you speak?

Skip down the page for ways to help teach listening skills. It is common knowledge but seeing something  written can help you to remember it, later..

A lot of times, we get so used to hearing the same old words that we think we already know what a person means to say- then we stop listening to plan our response.

We may neglect to see the WAY the words are said, the expression, the feel…the meaning between the lines…

Because, for most people communicating isn’t always easy- finding the RIGHT words can be a challenge.  SO, we use the words we commonly hear to try to communicate new meanings…then we might throw into the conversation things like, personal baggage, sensitivities, emotions, etc.

We can teach to converse and listen together as an activity we do with our body language, choice of words, and actively opening our heads to hear more than the key words (Key words that are personal to our own life experiences. For some people, these key words can work more like triggers).

Teaching Active Listening Skills (a process learned over time):

Consider the timing-If emotions are taking over, this is not the time to start a conversation.  Leave the room.  Sometimes, we need space to calm down.  Unchecked emotions can make it hard for us to say what we truly mean.  At times, we may need to say, “If you want an honest conversation, I need space, to calm down first.”       

1. Tuning in– With my boys, I began to say things like, “Listen with your ears.” It works to grab their attention.  When I first said this, it was because I saw my son distracted with something else. He was thinking while he was filtering my words. My hope is that they will understand the difference between hearing and listening, as they become men.  To listen, a child/person has to practice quieting the mind. Stop thinking or planning a response. It’s how we open up. (BTW, we actually hear with our brains. We catch the sound waves with our ears…maybe I was the last person to realize this, but it was cool to read about..)
2. Sometimes, we can turn off a tv or a radio, go to a quieter room, or ask a distracting sibling to leave the room. Kids need practice tuning in and at times, we can help them.
3. Make eye contact. Making eye contact is one way we know someone is listening.  However, I have seen how eye contact can be distracting for some children.  They get lost in confusing expressions or can simply begin laughing at something that is funny to them. Other children may be intimidated by adults.  Practicing eye contact helps communication, but it can also let us know how someone feels, especially if he/ she can’t look at us…it can also give a sense of equality.
4. Summarize what you think you heard– In time, we can teach our children to (by example) paraphrase what they heard. “So, If I heard you right, you want…” or “You feel…about…”
5. Explain what you mean– This is how we help each other to understand, correctly and without assumptions, what we intended to say. In my experience, this is the step that can make or break a conversation.  However, by this point people have already settled with their assumptions and emotions- even though assumptions and emotions can be off.
6. I speak to my children as young people- not babies. I lovingly respect them. I consider their age, and try to meet them where they are cognitively, but I still maintain a slightly higher vocabulary.  I have seen that children grow into expectations.  Sometimes, the bar is too low. Children have been underestimated for their abilities, for too long.

A child’s ability to meet us where we are, is often what we don’t realize. I know some of us have childhood memories of thinking that the adults were intellectually challenged (to put it nicely).  I remember tuning out teachers because they spoke to us like we were beneath them.  I remember losing respect for them, instantly. For some reason grown- ups forget that kids really aren’t less intelligent, just less experienced (usually). My boys, and the other children in my life, have all demonstrated that they pick up on even the subtlest cues- As adults, we may forget that kids are still developing their vocabulary.  I try to speak to them as soon to be adult people, to help their vocabulary as much as to show my respect for them- this is also meant to be an example for how to treat people.

Other tips for communicating:

1.  Avoid criticizing you or the other person (a practice over time)
2. Recognizing feeling like guilt and letting go of it (a practice over time, for most of us). Feelings of guilt are sticky and won’t serve most of us. It keeps most people stuck.
3. Being intentional and confident in what you express.
4. Say what you mean. No word games.

Below are challenges we may face while trying to communicate.  This is only meant to be a heads up….

1. Feelings of superiority
2. Leaping to conclusions
3. Over apologizing
4. Not empathizing with the other person. Few situations (maybe even…none…) are truly black or white. Situations arise from other, formed over time, situations.
5. Playing a game called “I will win this argument.”
6. Interrupting and not allowing a person to finish his/her thought
7. Evaluating the other person
8. Summarizing a person’s words with negativity
9. Answering questions with questions, or other types of avoidance
10. Telling someone else how he/she feels

Learning to listen and to communicate takes time, for most of us.  Children can be given healthy examples of communication early in their life, even if they are too young to communicate effectively, on their own.

I am not sure that we ever stop learning how to communicate, because every time we communicate, we are practicing other skill sets (mainly, how to stop thinking obsessively). So, for that reason I think communication IS A PRACTICE, like so many other things in life.