There are so many different kinds of extracurricular activities that can demonstrate leadership.  Leadership can be demonstrated by parents, and I think it is an important example. My intention is that the children in my life, will learn to lead their own lives and to value other people as leaders too.  Leadership is as much about balance as it is about community and developing the ability to see a bigger picture.

On being the example…

There is a generalization that dads are the strong parents.  When I see children treating a mom different from how they treat the dad, I wonder if some of us could do something different.  Some of us get caught up in nurturing, to the extent that we ruminate and feel bad about giving our children consequences or we feel bad about being frustrated with them. I have seen some parents apologize for giving time out.

• When I use the word, ‘consequence’ I don’t really mean the word, ‘punishment’. I really mean cause and effect.  I want to clarify, because the two words get confused.  Punishment has been more about control and breaking.  Punishments and consequences are not inherently the same thing.  I don’t mean to teach my children about punishment, because they didn’t do something I preferred.  However, I do hope that they will have an understanding that what they do yields results. I think it has everything to do with the spirit in which a child is taught about timeout.  I also think communicating is important.  “If you choose to hit people, people have a right to react in the way they choose.” Sometimes,  we need space to breathe and to practice not reacting immediately- Timeout can be about learning to make a space for yourself.  I think most people know that teaching a child to not run onto a street also requires an intervention, like holding his hand and communicating what can happen if a car is coming.  So in that way, a consequence may simply be helping a child to understand that drivers may not see us, or that they can’t always stop instantly while also physically preventing them from running onto a street (my children usually hate holding hands, and have reacted as if I was doing something horrific, so this may also be an example of how perceptions can play a part in things…).

I think sometimes we have to learn that emotions have a place but unchecked feelings and emotions, on the part of the parent, can get in the way of self-respect or understanding.

We deserve to be treated fairly and not as doormats.  Women (parents in general, actually) are strong, and capable of leading our kids so that they may learn the same habits.

To be transparent, my own kids go through periods of insanity (ok, me too) and we have to relearn how to treat each other.  They are learning and retesting boundaries every so often. That’s what kids do- learn, test boundaries, relearn.

I love my sons and I know my love for them can’t die.  I won’t do a disservice to them by being only a flower of a mom.  I want them to experience a strong, basic female who knows what she wants and what she deserves.  I also want them to see that I have a heart, but I am a human and I can get frustrated. It doesn’t mean I have stopped loving them.  No one, including me, is my sons’ servant.  As they get older, they will also learn that they are responsible for their own basic needs.  Though they may not understand this now, this is how I can express love to them AND to their future partners.

Below, are my general experiences and thoughts on raising people capable of being their own leaders:

1. Learn to ask questions, no assumptions. While supervising graduate students (most from different countries), I had to realize when I needed to ask questions. I mean, we all spoke English, but we used the same words different.  I tried to avoid miscommunication, mainly by noticing body language.  Body language isn’t always universal, but the look of frustration or concern seems to be similar. This is applicable to children.  They are not from a different country, but they may use words slightly different.
2. Take criticism and address it.
3. Don’t apologize for a just consequence. Don’t lose control of yourself.
4. Feelings and emotions have a place, but not as a tool to control.
5. Sometimes, being matter of fact is all that is needed.
6. Teach your children how to be kind, by expecting them to be kind to you. Moms/parents are some of the strongest people I know. Who better to learn this from, than you? We are so much more than the stereotype of nurturer. That is only one layer.
7. Follow through with consequences.
8. Sometimes, we have to take a backseat and learn something. Sometimes, we take a backseat to raise our children up.
9. There is no room for belittling or making fun of the things children may do.
10. Don’t expect that a child needs everything done for her/ him. Sometimes, they only need practice.  Some children are unsure of their abilities.  Meet them halfway, then guide them through learning more.
11. Kids don’t need us to be perfect. That isn’t even a fair expectation for them to develop as they interact in the world.  If they go looking, they will never meet a “perfect” person. Even perfectly programmed robots need to be charged/ or more energy…
12. Allow yourself to have space and moments to do what you like, if you can muster any alone time. Make room and space for just you and your enjoyment.  This is an important example.
13. Make time to communicate. This can mean a lot and it shows that he/she is important enough for you to pencil in time.
14. Ask for his/her input on appropriate matters, like activities for the day, on meals, etc. “Do you want to go _______ this weekend?”
15. Simply involve children. “What is your take on ________?” Our children are valid participants in the world, and their opinions and actions already count.
16. Ask them how they feel? “You feel ok today?” “Are you getting enough sleep?” Our feelings help to guide us, but we have to learn to pay attention to our bodies and heart.
17. Let them see you interact with people. This world is our community and we have things to teach each other.
18. Be truthful.
19. Have confidence and act with intention.
20. Lose the indecisiveness.
21. Be fearless. Raising children in a healthy way, today, often looks different from the norm. People are entitled to have an opinion, but we are not obliged to those opinions.