I think our society needs to be more honest about parenthood.I don’t like seeing parents suffering from guilt or because of untruths spread about parenthood.

Recently, a mom said, “Oh, I am so happy to see that you are having the same experiences I am having.”  This was said while I was having  difficulties with the boys. I replied, “Yeah, we’re human.” I smiled, and was interrupted by my kid, again.

So, this post is for anyone who is struggling at times, as a parent.  Let’s talk about it, to reset “the truth”. 

Motherhood has not been an easy, picturesque experience for me and I know many people have similar feelings.  Why don’t we all know that we are all struggling at times, as parents?  I thought I was the last to know, that WE ARE NOT ALONE in our struggles.

What can we do about it?

As parents, I think we need to watch what triggers us as we get through the challenges.

I think there are two underlying things that trigger our emotions, as parents getting through challenges with kids (and sure there are many other triggers as well):

1. We remember the B.S. statements made about the beauty in being parents. We remember the B.S. images of “awesome” moms and dads.  Truly awesome parents find their own paths and we all look different.  Most days my hair is simply brushed, t-shirt and jeans or yoga pants.  I have to be able to run after my kids and heels are dangerous. Let’s forget those Renaissance paintings of serene naked mothers and children lounging around in clean white cloths. Crazy untruths…
2. We feel alone. Sometimes this is an isolating role and we don’t always want to highlight the struggles we have.  So, we don’t talk about the bad days.  We are just glad it has passed.

I understand that some people may actually have dream lives with their young kids.  But, I don’t know those people. Not. One. Parent.

Have you experienced people with opinions (and a tone) about your situation?

To add to the struggles, are the people in public who have an opinion about what we could do different or they have opinions about our children.  Some people see a snapshot and feel they can honestly contribute something new. In my area, there are still people who say their parental experience is perfect…Until, they are having their own public show of adolescent crazy happening for everyone to see.  Do I empathize with them?  Hell yes, I do.

Here’s what I do, with regards to opinionated (and unhelpful) people:

1. I think of them as children who don’t know any better (I learned this from an old friend. She has passed away, but her words stay with me.) Then, I breathe and I either keep walking or smile and thank them for trying to help.  Very rarely, is there much more to say.  Be assertive, if necessary.  I can say from experience, this quiets the situation.  I also try to stay open and flexible to rare pearls of wisdom.  Once, I had a man tell me about his experience and it actually was incredibly helpful.
2. Notice if you are sensitive. Sometimes we read too much into things.  That can get in the way of your emotional wellbeing. Practice letting things go for your own sake.

Parenthood is experiential.

If you are overwhelmed and tired, that’s normal, not bad parenting. Here are words to put it into perspective.

It is a 24/7 experience of:

fatigue,

our kids treating us like less than servants,

tantrums,

high financial costs,

the physical aches that can also come from emotions,

society and all of it’s many contradictions,

the relentlessness in intending to bring up young people who were born without much empathy or compassion.

Add co-parenting issues, work, divorce, other family members, the child’s temperament ( in no way do I think babies are blank slates with no personalities or temperament at birth)

Add the fear and caged feeling that some of us feel for the first time, after having children.

Then there are the people who express how much they love to have their nieces and nephews around (this can be said as a comparison to what they perceive). This is one of my biggest pet peeves, because a kid you give back, just isn’t the same experience.  No. Keep your nephew through his teens, accrue some life experiences together and that will be enough to understand why parents break or begin to contemplate the bigger questions- like our human existence (in tears).

But we don’t hear about all of that, until we have our own children.  Our culture even expects us to have a family of our own. Why?

Why is it so hard?

Well, some professionals will still insist that it is the mom, the dad, the family system.  In my opinion, the family system is a function of SOCIETY.  People want to target a person to blame, but it’s never one person.  Our challenges are a symptom of the life we buy into or were born into.  To some degree, I feel kids are keenly aware of the dysfunction in life (the stuff we have adapted too, as adults.)

However, today, I’m talking about something else.  The lie we are told about the “beauty in having children and being a parent”.

It’s not beautiful.  Being a parent is the hardest thing I’ve ever done.  It has been down right ugly, at times.

It has also been a great teacher. It can transform anyone into an even more awesome version of who they are… That is the beauty in it all, and for that I am grateful.

Here’s another beauty:

As people we have different paths in life, yet the common denominator- parenthood, can bring all kinds of people together.  It’s like a trauma that ties us together. I don’t  mean that statement as a joke.

Hopefully, we will begin to remember everyone is someone else’s baby- that’s another beauty in parenthood.

There’s no reason to feel bad.  You are strong and you aren’t alone.