This post was inspired by a conversation I had with a teen girl (let me say this, our kids notice everything). Without getting into details about this conversation, I will be talking about styles of communicating and how some adults are held back by previously learned ways of interacting. The way we engage in our kids (especially when we are frustrated or feel defeated) may be getting in between us and our teenagers.
Our style of communication teaches as much as our words do. I do think there is a connection between what we do, what we say, and how we communicate. I think the way we communicate is powerful, because it is an actual and true example for the way we feel. If we are communicating one way, but are saying something different, our kids can easily see the inconsistency. A rift in the relationship is created. Scroll down to read on the four styles of communication.
Many times, I hear, “how could this have happened?” Well, some tragedies happen because of deep sadness and frustrations due to all of the inconsistencies, double talk, and hypocrisy in our world (and yes, there are other factors). You may feel that only bad or deranged people do bad things. I have seen good people do very hurtful inconceivable things, from deep sadness, feelings of powerlessness and frustration. Learning to communicate is one of the first lessons in life. For some kids, this means learning about hypocrisy, or powerlessness very early in their life.
Kids may not always have the words to express their feelings, but they notice everything or at least, they will notice the way things FEEL. To add, it’s hard to go against the grain or group think, alone. Our kids want our healthy examples, to support them and what they know is right.
The way we communicate is as important as anything else, because it is living proof of our hidden inner thoughts and feelings.
Styles of communication:
I. Assertive– An assertive person is truthful and calls it as he sees it. Typically, this person is watchful of the way he says the truth but won’t hold back or be deceptive for the sake of someone’s feelings. This person knows he isn’t responsible for the way another person chooses to perceive or interpret a situation. For some assertive people, being honest is about being respectful and genuine. For this style, it is never about hurting or controlling another person. He actually listens to other people’s words. This is considered the healthy way to communicate, though it can be challenging to be honest with people who may not truly want honesty.
II. Passive– A passive person will often choose to say nothing to the crowd. This is often the person considered the “nice” one in the group. He may have a lot of great ideas or many opinions but, will opt to stay quiet for one reason or another (possibly, from a lack of confidence or this individual may feel it is better to always maintain “peace”). This person may allow other people to control him, speak for him, take from him (take ideas, or even materials). Since he feels powerless, he may even act as a bystander. He witnesses something but will choose to stay silent. This silence may only add to his insecurities or guilt or sense of powerlessness. It is possible that this person was intentionally made to feel useless or inferior, by a trusted family member who felt threatened or fearful. I have actually seen parents discourage their kids from dreams. The parents were so fearful that their children would travel too far, stop loving them, or the parents had just managed to think of every possible thing that could go wrong for the child. This child learns that nothing he says is right or possible, or worthy. He may apologize a lot for no reason. Often, a passive person keeps his feelings hidden inside, until he lashes out. Is this style abusive to other people? Well, yeah it can be when this person finally lashes out…
III. Passive-Aggressive– This is a person who pretends to be nice or chooses to be passive but has motives or hidden agendas. There is a good chance this person acts different to different people. So, this person acts nice as a way to manipulate. Then, after she has control or affection from another parent, or adult, or whoever, she continues with the original agenda. She works to gain high esteem from a person or group, to carry out a plan usually against someone or some group. The stereotypical images of passive aggression are the “mean girls” in high school. They look like role models, but they are “stabbing their friends in the back” …Often, these girls grow into women or moms who teach the same style. I have heard some people say, this is how some women learn to fight, by being passive -aggressive. In my experience, teens know it is wrong, but haven’t learned another way to be less powerless. An example of this may be when a teen sees a passive-aggressive mom winning favor from other trusted family members for some agenda and to gain control. Another example, may be at work. In the past, I have seen it happen with an employee winning affection from a person in charge, gain his trust and admiration to the extent that he protects her, while she is getting even with random people she was angry with in the past. This may involve gossip. I have actually seen this example as common place. A passive-aggressive person may not have very high self- esteem, and is not acting in the best interest of anyone, not even in her own best interest. This is only different from last type, aggressive, because it is hidden. I have seen just as many men be passive aggressive as I have seen women. I have even had a man tell me that he believes everyone is passive aggressive in varying amounts. I have Not experienced his opinion as a generally true statement. Is this style of communication abusive? Yes, because it involves controlling other people. Boundaries are being violated.
IV. Aggressive– Aggression is characterized by overtly overstepping boundaries and the rights of other people. Legally, our rights end where the rights of someone else begins. This person also seeks dominance and control, by violating other people. This can be done by humiliating other people, demeaning others, alienating someone, being impulsive, criticizing or blaming other people, or using intimidation as a tact. Typically, this person has a short fuse, and people feel like they have to “walk on eggshells” around this person. A person with an aggressive style of communication doesn’t typically hide an agenda. They are more overt. An aggressive person typically has low self esteem and may have learned aggressive tendencies from other adults. In my experience, people who act aggressively had to deal with a lot in childhood. So, being diplomatic didn’t feel like a choice, especially if a parent was abusive and didn’t teach empathy, acceptance, or compassion, etc. We hear about men being aggressive, women can also be aggressive. Obviously, this is also an abusive style of communicating.
Some people think they are a mix of these styles. Your style of communicating tends to be what you default on during challenges or the style you have on a regular basis.
Teaching our children how to effectively communicate can be a game changer for them. Maybe it can be a game changer for the world, in time…