For many people, talking about the in-laws can be very triggering.  It can feel like no matter what, there is an inability to speak the same language.  Or, we may feel a need to protect our kids from a family member’s mindset.

In your current situation, what would you change?

Some people have been dealing with challenges for so long, that they  can no longer imagine a happier situation for themselves.  They don’t see a way to make changes.  However, some of these same people will be able to describe the happy, care free life they want for their adult children.  So, lets imagine what you would say to your kids, if they were in your situation?  Picture what you would want for your kids and hear the wisdom you would pass on to them. Then, realize that applies to you now.  In so many ways we are the example for our kids.  We all deserve happiness now and examples we show, go far…

To keep it simple, I have listed bullet points on how to create a more peaceful place with the in-laws (or family, in general) below.

• Typically, the neutral person or the person who is “caught in the middle” can help communicate healthy boundaries. Often, it will be this person who can speak with his family/spouse on setting (and keeping) healthy boundaries. Often, we expect the people in conflict to resolve things among each other.  Normally, this doesn’t work until a neutral person helps to mediate, because the neutral person is able to hear without the noise of the past or pain.  This neutral person doesn’t need validation or approval or the desire to win an argument.
• Children shouldn’t be the individuals caught in the middle- talking on behalf of the adults. Adults should be the individuals modeling healthy adult behavior.
• See a bigger picture.  Many people treat each other, the way they were treated.  People are at different levels of understanding.
• Forgive the person’s level of understanding and be humble enough to realize your level of understanding may still be growing too.
• Allow for space. Sometimes, it is especially challenging to live close to family or to visit often, especially if you are establishing boundaries.
• If you live with your in-laws look for ways to create space- spend time at parks, indoor or outdoor public spaces, volunteer, visit libraries or find other ways to have time for yourself.
• Notice if family traditions are actually working against relationships. Note that holidays can be some of the most challenging times to visit, because stress is up and drinking is up. I have even seen traditions used as a way to control the season, within the family dynamic. Tread carefully.
• Normally, a person who feels threatened has her guard up.  So, if your mom feels like she is being replaced or forgotten, she may involve herself and want to be received.  Only you can know if you are enabling certain behaviors or addressing these behaviors in a healthy way.
• If your spouse feels unable to create her/ his ideal home life, she/he may become frustrated by added input or unexpected visits by family members. Everyone deserves to feel safe, especially at home.  However, enabling family members who do not respect boundaries, is in conflict with a sense of safety.  This may be why your spouse becomes frustrated, because on some level, your decisions (on dealing with your family) may no longer make you seem like a safe space for her.
• Couples can decide together on acceptable boundaries and follow through with setting boundaries. This is done best with consistency.   Not being consistent will nearly always cause other people to test boundaries on a regular basis, because there is an incentive- it might be the day they get away with doing whatever they want.
• Being included and acknowledged, during family gatherings, is important for creating a safe space.
• Remember you always have choices, though some family members may attempt to communicate the opposite message.
• If you can’t find a way to reach out to someone, because they will not communicate with you in a healthy way (or maybe they are simply being silent)- then, respect that they have made a decision. Let things be and move on.  You do not have to set yourself up for more challenges or rejection.
• If someone reaches out to you, consider being open enough to hear them without making them “pay for it.” The past can’t be redone, and it doesn’t have to keep shaping what is happening now.
• Another person’s perception of things is just as real to them, as your perception is real to you.
• Communication without agenda helps mutual understanding.
• Sometimes you have to be the example. By being the example, you can show that “having your guard down” isn’t necessarily making you vulnerable.  Sometimes, it’s just showing another way to do things.
• Did I mention, you have other choices…
• You don’t owe anyone your time, especially someone who uses your time to abuse or bully you.
• Gossip isn’t very helpful.

Ultimately, something to realize is that no one can or should control anyone else.  Realize all of your choices and act on what helps you to stay happy. Sometimes, letting space exist between people is best.  This can allow people to lighten up and to better receive each other, later.

A relationship that is forced, using control, or involves unkindness will typically be met with resistance in one form or another.  Let it go, for now. It really can be that simple.

Be happy. It’s your life.